I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions this year.
I didn't have to -- I have several from last year that were never used.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1522
A script owned by Marilyn Monroe was auctioned off.
It was her last script and even had her markings in the margins. The notes had many misspelled words which was surprising because Marilyn was known for her brains.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
Shirley Temple’s tap shoes recently sold at auction.
The shoes sold for $20,000. That’s one dollar for every clickity-click.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
Shirley Temple’s tap shoes recently sold at auction.
If those shoes could talk they would say, “Oh my aching tootsies.”
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
“Instant Replay” in sports
is a way to guaranteeing that every decision will be one that half the people disagree with.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
“Instant Replay” adds so much to watching football.
Usually it adds about an hour and a half.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
For many people the Superbowl
is something to watch in between commercials.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
Countdown to the Superbowl is underway.
I only have a month and a half to plan out my halftime menu.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
I find watching all the bowl games on New Year’s Day is very educational.
I’ve improved my spelling just by watching the marching bands at halftime.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
That dull thud you hear at about noon on New Year’s Day
is the sound of 700 football teams kicking off.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
A shopper at a Wal-Mart in Virginia found a dead deer in a shopping cart
…Thank goodness it wasn’t Costco, otherwise the deer would have been part of a four-pack.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
A shopper at a Wal-Mart in Virginia found a dead deer in a shopping cart
which is unusual because that’s more of a Sam’s Club thing.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
Police in England are looking for a man who stole $160,000 worth of accordions.
…Actually it sounds like an open and shut case…Or more like an open and shut, open and shut, open and shut….
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
Police in England are looking for a man who stole $160,000 worth of accordions.
He shouldn’t be hard to find. Just follow the Polka music.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
Blood is thicker than water…
…that’s why few people mix it with Scotch.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
Blood is thicker than water…
…but bartenders say it makes a lousy chaser.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
Blood is thicker than water…
…unless you live near a corrupt chemical plant.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
Blood is thicker than water…
…but don’t try filling your pool with it.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
I’m killing two birds with one stone this year
– I’m giving up New Year’s Resolutions for Lent.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
I made it easy on myself.
I picked something for my New Year’s resolution that I had no intention of doing in the first place.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
You know you’re getting old
when your “New Year’s Rockin Eve” is an extra glass of prune juice.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
You know you’re getting old
when you see Old Man New Year and think, “If only I looked that good.”
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
I can’t believe it’s mere coincidence
– every time I begin chewing, someone calls on the phone to sell me something.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
My dog always begs for table scraps while we eat.
That’s why we named her “Telemarketer.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
When Pavlov prepared a meal for his dogs, they began to salivate.
When my wife prepares dinner for me, telemarketers begin to salivate.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
An example of cause and effect:
When my wife says, “Dinner is served,” telemarketers immediately begin dialing my house.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
I usually have a glass of wine before dinner, a dessert after,
and 5 or 6 telemarketers calls during.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
Our company is cheap.
Even our software is old. We’re operating on Windows 7 B.C.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
Our company is cheap.
The office is filled with windup computers.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
Considering my career, I didn’t climb the corporate ladder
as much as the corporate step-stool.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
I would have climbed the corporate ladder,
but I’m afraid of heights.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1535
The world’s oldest bird is expecting its 41st chick
and no, the father isn’t Mick Jagger.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
Pot is legal, denim is the state fabric.
In no time, the bear on California’s state flag will be replaced by a peace sign.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
Beginning January 1, denim will be the official state fabric in California.
And their new state motto will be “Where every day is Casual Friday.”
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
The department stores are crowded and violent.
It’s like you took all the bowl games and played them at J.C. Penney’s.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
They now have electronic games that you can’t possibly beat.
I say if the games are so damn smart, let them buy their own batteries.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
I can remember when department store Santas used to be a jolly old man in a red suit.
He’s still an old man in a red suit, but nowadays he’s only jolly if you pay $15 to have your picture taken with him.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1535
The big toy this year is Hatchimals.
People are spending hundreds of dollars on an egg that hatches into a toy. I’d rather spend $2.89 for 12 eggs you hatch into an omelet.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
I took the easy way this New Year’s.
My resolution was to gain 10 pounds. Done!
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1535
I read a great book about Harry Houdini
but the title escapes me.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
I’ve just written a great book for “Do-It-Yourselfers.”
It’s 230 pages…all blank.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
I’m writing a book now. It’s a mystery.
I have no idea what it’s about.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
When I read a mystery novel, I like to read the last chapter first.
That way I always know who did it, but I can’t wait to find out what they did.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Before when I said I can’t make ends meet
I was talking about my budget, now it’s my belt.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
I don’t want to say I have bad eating habits.
But my food pyramid was just condemned.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
You know you’re eating too much
when security at every Las Vegas hotel has your picture on their phone in case you go to the all you can eat buffet.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
If good people go to Heaven and bad people go to Hell,
mediocre people must have to live forever.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
In the next life, there are only two choices – Heaven or Hell.
You’d think God might have come up with something like a “business class.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Hell may not be that bad of a place
…except maybe for the neighbors.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Heaven is a place of eternal ecstasy
…unless you happen to hate harp music.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
A python in the Everglades was found to have three reindeer in its system.
If one of them had a red nose, it’s not going to be a very merry Christmas.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
A chiropractor operating out of a truck stop in Atlanta was charged with falsifying medical exams.
A chiropractor operating out of a truck stop in Atlanta was charged with falsifying medical exams.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
Now that’s a special skill you don’t see listed on a resume every day.
…She must be very popular in her neighborhood on recycle day.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
There’s a viral video of a woman crushing a can of Red Bull with her butt.
Now that’s a special skill you don’t see listed on a resume every day.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
Two heads are better than one…
…unless you’re seated behind that person at the theatre.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Two heads are better than one…
…especially if you’re an aspirin salesman.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Two heads are better than one…
…but it does present a challenge to your barber.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Two heads are better than one…
…except that you have to have all your dress shirts custom made.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1534
Christmas cards are great.
You can keep in touch with family and friends without having to get their opinion on every little thing like on Facebook.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
I love getting Christmas cards.
It’s nice to get something in the mail that isn’t stamped “Past Due.”
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
The first time my granddaughter heard “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
she wanted to know if Santa was texting.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
Nowadays so many people are shopping online.
Santa has replaced his elves with the Geek Squad.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
If Christmas took place today, Mary and Joseph would still stay in a barn
but they’d would have found it on AirBnB.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
Many insurance companies won’t pay for sex enhancing drugs for elderly people.
Apparently, the insurance companies want you to have a long life, they just don’t want you to enjoy it.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
The high cost of sex enhancing drugs is causing many older people to give up sex.
Maybe that’s why so many older folks are at the Early Bird Specials, they can’t afford to do anything else at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
Thomas Edison keys were auctioned off for over $10,000.
Finally after all these years, Thomas Edison can stop asking, “Where are my keys?”
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
The California Bar is considering a new rule banning lawyers from having sex with their clients.
The rule change was in response to numerous complaints but this wasn’t what people were talking about when they said they got screwed by their attorney.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1534
If there wasn’t enough stress during the holidays,
I had to return the Elf on a Shelf I picked up. It was afraid of heights.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1534
I just realized
…there are only 1450 days to the next Presidential Election.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
I was saddened by the election results.
Oh, I didn’t care who won, it just means I now have to go back to watching regular television.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
Have you noticed after the election
that the political pundits are much better at predicting what just happened than they were at predicting what was going to happen.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
Well the election is over.
All the TV pundits who told us virtually nothing are now on the air telling us, “I told you so.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
I don’t want to say I don’t move around a lot
but my Fitbit died of boredom.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1533
You know it’s time to lose weight when
you get on an elevator and the first thing the other people do is check the maximum weight sign.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1533
You know you’re out of shape
when you ask Siri for the nearest gym, and she can’t stop laughing.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1533
You know what a Zombie is?
That’s a person who looks like you do until you’ve had your first cup of coffee in the morning.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
Zombies have it tough.
They spend all eternity walking around like that. I only do it for an hour or two after getting out of bed in the morning.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
I was on the set of a zombie movie the other day and I said to one of the actors,
“Boy, how long were you in make-up to look like that?” He said, “I’m a camera man.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
They have a lot of shows on TV now about dead people.
I don’t enjoy them. I had enough trouble learning to like ‘live’ people.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
They have a show on TV now called The Walking Dead.
Boy, some people will do anything avoid hiring pall bearers.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
A couple waited until their ninth anniversary to open a wedding gift because it had instructions not to be opened until their first disagreement.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if the disagreement was over when to open it?
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1533
A new study has shown that a beer a day reduces your risk of a stroke or heart attack.
Although it does increase your odds of falling off a barstool.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1533
A Baltimore school replaced detention with meditation.
There’s also modified yoga for kids like “Downward Facing Dog Who Ate My Homework.”
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1533
I don’t know why they serve alcohol on airplanes.
My corner bar doesn’t offer to fly me to Milwaukee.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
I think planes fly too fast.
I always seem to arrive at the terminal about 45 minutes before my luggage comes down the ramp.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
If flying is the safest way to travel,
why do they start every flight with the instructions on the fastest way to get out of the plane?
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
When I fly, I don’t like it when the Captain talks on the intercom.
I paid for a pilot, not a conversationalist.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
I have a fear of flying,
but I also have a fear of having to walk to Cleveland.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1533
As we sit down to our Thanksgiving Dinner, I’m reminded of one thing that I’m extremely thankful for
…elastic waist sweatpants.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1533
Some people want to modernize Thanksgiving.
This year instead of Pilgrims and Indians, it’ll be the Democrats and the Republicans.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1533
My wife always makes sure our Thanksgiving table truly captures the uniquely American spirit of the holiday
with decorations made in China.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1533
Why doesn’t television realize that the only way to know what’s going to happen in an election
is to wait until the election is over.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
TV political pundits spend days telling you exactly what’s going to happen.
Then when it doesn’t happen, they spend days telling you why they knew it wouldn’t happen.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
They talk so much about the Presidential campaign on television
that it makes you long for the good old days – before language was invented.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
We’re getting so sick of the election process,
we may skip the inauguration and go right to impeachment.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
Remember the good old days when the customer was always right.
Now it seems we’re always just an annoyance.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I was in one department store.
I wanted to find a tie to wear to my cousin’s wedding. My cousin was divorced before a sales clerk helped me.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I picked out some nice men’s clothing the other day.
It went out of style before I could find someone to ring it up for me.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I have an idea that can save the military a fortune in camouflage clothing
…to make the soldiers invisible, just dress all of them as clerks in a department store.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
My fantasy football team won’t be going to the Superbowl.
In fact, they are so bad they may be banned from watching it on TV.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
I asked the librarian where I could find the “self-help” section.
She said, “If you want to find it, you will.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I bought a book on doing pantomime.
It had no words in it.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I read a book about using mental telepathy.
I thought to myself: why did they have to print this?
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I read a book about how to read people’s minds.
When I met the author, she said to me, “What did you think of it?”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1532
I’m not going to any haunted houses this year.
With the Presidential Election coming up, I’m scared enough.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
And parents coddle their kids more.
My daughter wouldn’t let my granddaughter dress up as Mr. Peanut in case one of her friends had a peanut allergy.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1532
Halloween has changed since I was a kid.
We used to throw eggs. Today parents are so health conscious they only let their kids throw the whites.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1532
I don’t thin a McDonald’s next to the Vatican is going to be too popular.
The toy surprise instead the Happy Meal is going to be a St. Christopher statue.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
The rumor that McDonald’s wants to open a restaurant next to the Vatican is true.
The rumor that Ronald McDonald is going to become a saint, isn’t.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
Scientists don’t know what they’ll find on Mars
but the odds are pretty good there will be a Starbucks close by.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
President Obama thinks we can send a man to Mars.
A planet without campaign commercials? I’ll go.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
Imagine an increase of only .3%.
That means if you are on Social Security, you can rush right out and buy absolutely nothing.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
Good news, Social Security recipients will be getting an increase in their monthly payments.
The bad news, it’s only .3%.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
Snoopy immediately expressed his feelings regarding MetLife Insurnace’s decision to let him go
but the janitor cleaned it up right away.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
Snoopy was unceremoniously let go by MetLife Insurance.
You’d think after 31 years of service the least they could do would be to give him a gold fire hydrant.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1532
A sure sign it’s Halloween
is when you see the Christmas displays go up.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1532
Modern technology may be great
but my manual typewriter never had a virus. …Although it did crash once but that’s because I dropped it on the floor.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
“You never know what you have until you lose it”
applies to money, love and computer files.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
I told my wife I want to be buff by the end of the year.
She took me to a paint store.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
I’m determined to join a gym this year.
I’m looking around for one that will pick up and deliver.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
I bought a stationary bike.
So now that’s two of us at home that are stationary.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
I have a treadmill at home, which is wonderful.
I can walk the dog without leaving my easy chair.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
I went to the gym last week.
What I’m looking for is an exercise I can do while napping.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
I took up jogging for a while
…actually, for about 7 steps.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
I say “I’m not getting older; I’m getting better”
but my doctor keeps offering up a rebuttal.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
You know you’re getting old
when the leftovers from last night’s dinner need to be put in your will.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
You know you’re getting old
when Larry King offers you his seat on the subway.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
A Minnesota man won the lottery twice for a total of $250,000.
First thing he did was buy his wife a new car. Some men would keep the old car and buy a new wife.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
A Minnesota man won the lottery twice for a total of $250,000.
The bad news is he spent $300,000 on tickets.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
She and her friends are going to go crazy celebrating her win. They plan on waiting until 5:30 to go to dinner.
She and her friends are going to go crazy celebrating her win. They plan on waiting until 5:30 to go to dinner.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
A grandmother who won $30,000 in a lottery
is using the money to buy a new Smartphone. Is she’s anything like me, that means $50 for the phone and $29,550 on lessons to learn how to use it.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
During a root canal, a patient ended up with an instrument in his stomach after the dentist accidentally dropped it down his throat.
The dentist was very sorry and guaranteed it wouldn’t happen again. From now on all his patients will have to leave through a metal detector.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
During a root canal, a patient ended up with an instrument in his stomach after the dentist accidentally dropped it down his throat.
This shouldn’t cause patients to be alarmed. Remember, four out of five dentists don’t lose their instruments in patients.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
Farmers must reduce gas emissions from cows by 40%.
California farmers are now going to be spiking the water troughs with Beano.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
Farmers must reduce gas emissions from cows by 40%.
I feel bad for the cows, but also for the poor shlub whose job it is to measure this.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
In order to fight climate change, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill regulating cow flatulence.
So apparently the phrase, “Pull my hoof” has become a thing of the past.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
In Ohio a self-proclaimed psychic was arrested for stealing $1.5 million from her clients.
She didn’t really steal the money. She would just tell her clients, “I see bad things in your future, but $20 bucks could change all that.”
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
In Ohio a self-proclaimed psychic was arrested for stealing $1.5 million from her clients.
The arrest shocked everyone…well, except for the psychic…she knew it was going to happen.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
USC has hired a full-time dog professor.
Some students aren't too thrilled, they said his tests can be really ruff.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
USC has hired a full-time dog professor.
The pup is hoping to get tenure, which for a dog is a really long time.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
These lionesses suddenly decided to act as males
They still travel in prides, but they no longer wait for male lions to hold the door open for them.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
These lionesses suddenly decided to act as males
They’ve taken on many male characteristics. They roar, they hunt, and they gather together to watch Monday Night Football.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
These lionesses suddenly decided to act as males
when they discovered that they could make 30% more in salaries.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
In Botswana, five lionesses have grown a mane and are showing male-like behavior.
These new non-gender specific bathrooms are confusing everybody.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1531
It’s all over the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up and it’s getting nasty. There’s name calling, allegations, and choosing sides.
I’m shocked, I didn’t expect that from two people who aren’t even running for President.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1531
Valentine’s Day proves you can’t put a price tag on love
I think I even saw one that matched Donald Trump’s hair.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
Autumn, the season when the leaves have more colors
than Hillary Clinton has explanations about her emails.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1531
Someone once asked “Can’t we all just get along?”
After two hours on Facebook I found out the answer is “No.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
It used to take courage to stand up to people and give them a piece of your mind.
Now apparently all it takes is a Twitter account.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
People can get mean with social media.
I have several friends who have earned a black belt in ‘texting.’
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
That’s why the football season is so long.
It takes the people who made up those rules that many weeks to figure out who’s going to the SuperBowl
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
The way they decide on the teams for the NFL playoffs
It’s too complicated for me. Every time the sportscasters try to explain it, I turn the sound down on the TV and do something easier -- like read over my insurance policies.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
The way they decide on the teams for the NFL playoffs
is the most confusing set of regulations outside of government.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
The regulations for making the NFL playoffs are so complicated
they make Obamacare look like the rules for playing “Go Fish.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Listening to the sportscasters trying to explain which teams might make the NFL playoffs
is like listening to Porky Pig trying to sing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Elvis Presley would have been XX years old this January.
He’d have to change his act. If he did his “Elvis the Pelvis” moves at XX, body parts could fly off.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Elvis Presley would have been XX years old this January.
He’d still be playing Vegas. But instead of that white jumpsuit, he’d be wearing a supp-hose body stocking.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Elvis Presley would have been XX years old this January.
His hit song would be “A Hunk A Hunk of Burning Indigestion.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Elvis Presley would have been XX years old this January.
If he were alive today, “Love Me Tender” would not only be a hit song; it would be a medical necessity.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Google has developed the first driverless car.
You’ll be able to save a fortune on headlights and brake lights. There’s nobody to see you anyway.
By Gary Yazar | Issue: 1501
Google has developed the first driverless car.
If there is an accident, it’ll be one car’s memory chip against the other.
By Gary Yazar | Issue: 1501
Small cars are better than big cars
because nobody wants you to pick them up from the airport.
By Mike Howard | Issue: 1501
Small cars are better than big cars
because it’s easier to leave the kids at home.
By Mike Howard | Issue: 1501
Money can’t buy happiness,
but you can be miserable in a much nicer neighborhood.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1501
Even the devil was an angel in the beginning.
Then he decided to make some serious money.
By Gary Yazar | Issue: 1501
Don’t believe everything you hear.
Or upgrade your hearing aid.
By Gary Yazar | Issue: 1501
A penny saved is a penny earned.
But how can you live on an income like that?
By Gary Yazar | Issue: 1501
I wouldn’t want to take the chance of getting married at Costco.
They sell everything in bulk. You could say, “I do” and end up on Sister Wives. …Although, they do have a convenient return policy.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
They had a lovely ceremony at Costco, followed by a romantic honeymoon at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
They had a lovely ceremony at Costco, followed by a romantic honeymoon at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
A California couple were married at their local Costco.
What a great idea. You can say “I do,” feed your guests, and return your wedding gifts all at the same time.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
Some people want to make video games an Olympic event.
It is a tough sport. Your dreams of gold could be dashed with just one hangnail.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
Some people want to make video games an Olympic event.
Contestants could train and compete without ever leaving their parents basements.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
Some people want to make video games an Olympic event.
They would be the only Olympians that would have to have their mothers to drive them to their event.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
Some people want to make video games an Olympic event.
The team uniform would be sweat pants and a Captain America t-shirt.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1501
How many scriptwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to pitch the idea, a producer to finance it, and seven years of preproduction.
By Mike Howard | Issue: 1501
I’m determined to become a procrastinator.
I plan on doing it tomorrow.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
Sometimes it seems like there are only two kinds of people in the world
—the bad, and the not that bad.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I’m at that awkward age
—old enough to want to retire, too young to be able to.
By Melanie White | Issue: 1573
Dr. Oz said he is against breakfast and thinks it should be banned.
But he is in favor of brunch and thinks people should brunch every day. Anybody else get the idea that Dr. Oz just wants to sleep in?
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
Archimedes’s most famous saying was about the lever and the fulcrum. His wife’s most famous saying was, “Archie, this is the last time I’m coming down to the jail to bail you out.”
His wife’s most famous saying was, “Archie, this is the last time I’m coming down to the jail to bail you out.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
Archimedes was smart enough to know that if you march around town in your birthday suit proclaiming a new principle
. . . it better be a good one.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
Archimedes is considered the greatest scientist of all time.
Not much of a dresser, but a great scientist.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
Archimedes said, “Give me a long enough lever and a fulcrum to put it on, and I can move the world.”
And right after he moved it, his wife said, “You know, I liked it better where it was before.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
That’s to make up for what I named my last dog.
was a Mexican hairless and I named it “Curly.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I bought a dalmatian
and named it “spot.”
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I bought a dalmatian.
It likes to ride in the car with me, but only if we’re going to a house that’s already on fire.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I’m not a very good shot,
so I had to buy a retriever that comes with its own gun.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I just got a retriever.
Retrievers are bred to rush after whatever you shoot and bring it back to you. I guess now I’ll have to buy a gun.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
Valentine’s Day proves you can’t put a price tag on love
I want them to fight it out over which one is going to be my best friend.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I just bought a hunting dog.
I wanted it to find my shoes in the morning.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I have a dog – a St. Bernard.
It has a little barrel of whisky strapped under its chin. It’s like a remote control for when you want a drink.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
My husband thinks candlelight dinners are romantic.
But I usually just don’t want him to know what he’s eating.
By Melanie White | Issue: 1573
Valentine’s Day proves you can’t put a price tag on love
…but you can on all its accessories.
By Melanie White | Issue: 1573
You’ve heard love is blind.
What else do you expect when they’re letting some kid in diapers shoot the arrows?
By Melanie White | Issue: 1573
Love knows no bounds,
but any woman can tell you what’s off limits.
By Melanie White | Issue: 1573
I invented a diet service that’s guaranteed to take weight off quickly.
They deliver the food to your door, but when you sign up, you’re required to give them the wrong address.
By Gene Perret | Issue: 1573
I don’t work out because all exercise programs start out by saying, “wear loose-fitting clothing.”
I don’t have any loose-fitting clothing.
By Melanie White | Issue: 1573
There’s a new fad called Intermittent Fasting.
It’s basically starving with training wheels.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Experts say people who fast live 10 years longer.
That may sound good but it’s a heck of a long time to sit there listening to your stomach growl.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Experts say that people who fast live longer.
They don’t really live longer, it just feels that way.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Housekeeping workers competed in the Housekeeping Olympics.
Competitions included bed making, vacuum races, and who can knock the loudest on the door with a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1573
Housekeeping workers competed in the Housekeeping Olympics.
It’s like the regular Olympics, expect when you throw in the towel, the competitors keep picking it up.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1573
Researchers discovered a perfectly preserved slime mold specimen. It was found with a perfectly preserved lizard’s leg in it.
So the only thing the researchers know is that the slime is 100-million years old, was found in Myanmar, and the owner had Geico insurance.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Researchers discovered a perfectly preserved slime mold specimen.
I just hope they didn’t find it in the back of my refrigerator.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
He did hit a garbage can, a mailbox, and a brick wall. That still puts him ahead of me when I parallel park.
He did hit a garbage can, a mailbox, and a brick wall. That still puts him ahead of me when I parallel park.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1573
A dog in Florida put his owner’s car in reverse and drove in circles for an hour.
It wasn’t an accident; he was just trying to catch his tail.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1573
A man reeled in a World War I mortar while fishing.
The man was so excited. He didn’t know whether to call Field & Stream or Guns & Ammo.
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1573
A man reeled in a World War I mortar while fishing.
Typical of a fisherman, he said, “You should have seen the mortar that got away.”
By Louis Ferrante | Issue: 1573
One iguana fell from a tree right on to a BBQ grill.
That’s Florida’s version of an Instapot.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
A cold spell has hit the Sunshine State
and it’s wreaking havoc on Disneyworld. Do you know how hard it is to get Dumbo into a pair of earmuffs?
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Tickets to this year’s Superbowl are costing up to $15,000 a seat.
If I paid that much for a ticket to a football game, I’d be rooting for the game to go into overtime…until July.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
A 3-year old boy became the youngest member of Mensa. The mom said her son is a typical 3-year old who likes Legos
…but unlike other 3-years, he knows not to eat them.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
A 3-year old boy became the youngest member of Mensa. His mom said her son is just a normal kid.
I get that her kid is smart but how dumb does she think the rest of us are?
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
A 3-year old boy became the youngest member of Mensa.
His mom said she knew her son was special when hemade the honor roll in his afterschool math and reading program. You know what we call my kid’s afterschool program? Nap time.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
The Queen wasn’t too upset with the Harry and Meghan
but she did have one request before they leave…that they take Andrew with them.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Prince Harry will no longer be going by the title of “His Royal Highness.”
Instead he’ll be using his new title, “Mr. Mom.”
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Harry and Meghan thought about moving in with her family but she’s not talking to any of them, either.
but she’s not talking to any of them, either.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Harry and Meghan will become private citizens
but no one knows of what country yet.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
Social security benefits will increase by 1.6 percent this year.
Don’t get too excited, the cost of everything else is going up by 2%.
By Linda Perret | Issue: 1573
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