Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

4th of July

Happy Birthday. The USA is now 242 years old…although many of the people running it still act like two-year-olds.  

(Linda Perret)

In the news

4th of July

My 4th of July celebration is always loud for two reasons.  First, the fireworks. Second, my in-laws.

(Tom Padovano)

While holding a lit firecracker my cousin yelled, “Count your blessings.” Right after that I yelled to him, “Count your fingers.”

(Tom Padovano)

America is now 242 years old and if our Founding Fathers could see us today they’d say, “What happened?”

…More likely, they’d tweet it.

(Linda Perret)

Roseanne

ABC’s top-rated sitcom, Roseanne will be replaced by a spinoff featuring the remaining cast members. It will be called “Elephant in the Room.”

(Brad Manzo)

The ABC executives are not sure how they’ll get rid of Roseanne. The only thing they’ve decided is that shooting her out of a cannon in the opening episode would be too much of an engineering feat.

(Gene Perret)

ABC just picked up the Roseanne show without Roseanne. Next year they’re planning on televising the SuperBowl with only one team.

(Gene Perret)

Toys R Us

Well, it’s now official. “Toys R Us” has become “Toys Was Us.”

(Gene Perret)

It’s a shame they had to go out of business before they learned to spell.

(Gene Perret)

That backwards ‘R’ caused many problems. A rocking horse we bought there never rocked back and forth. It always rocked forth and back.

(Gene Perret)

They’ve changed their logo from “Toys R Us” to “Big Empty Buildings R Us.”

(Gene Perret)

In other toy news, Hasbro has trademarked the smell of Play-Doh. They say Play-Doh’s scent is a “sweet, slightly musky, vanilla-like fragrance, with overtones of cherry, and the natural smell of a salted, wheat-based dough.” I think someone at Hasbro has been eating too much Elmer’s Glue.

(Louis Ferrante)

Koko the Gorilla

Koko, the gorilla who learned sign language, passed away in June. There are very few gorillas who can converse in sign language. In fact, Koko had to deliver her own eulogy.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

In Michigan, a woman was arrested for stealing cosmetics and jewelry from a Rite-Aid. On the positive side, she looked terrific in her mug shot.

(Bill Mihalic)

…She should have been a little more practical and shoplifted something she could really use…like an orange jumpsuit.

(Linda Perret)

A company is selling jeans that have rips so your butt can hang out. Who knew plumbers were fashion pioneers?

(Louis Ferrante)

In my day, holes in the seat of your pants were done the old fashion way – trying to fit in a pair that’s a size too small and bending over.

(Louis Ferrante)

Scientists released a robot into the California desert and programmed it to avoid all human contact…they gave it a cell phone.

(Doug Johnson)

If they wanted to avoid human contact, the scientists should have released it on Hollywood Boulevard on a Friday night.  There’s nothing human there.

(Linda Perret)

Too Much Coffee…

You know you’re drinking too much coffee…

…When the local Starbucks sends a limousine to pick you up each morning.

…When your hair combs itself in the morning.

…When Starbucks takes out an insurance policy on your life.

…When you arrive at work in the morning and discover you left the car at home.

…When you take your dog for a walk, and you’re the one who starts chasing cars.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Naked Dream...

Last night I dreamt I went grocery shopping naked. It was terrible. I had no place to keep my coupons.

I finally found them, but the store wouldn’t accept them when they saw where I kept them.

It was a very long dream because every time I got to the checkout counter I kept telling people to go ahead of me.

It was traumatic. I woke up suddenly. What happened was I backed into the frozen foods section.

I tried to pay by check, but they demanded photo ID. I said, “You can see it’s me.”

I finally asked the clerk if she had something I could cover up with? She said, “Paper or plastic?”

(Series by Gene Perret)

New Car Lemon...

I just bought a new car but I leave it on the dealer’s lot. I found out that as soon as you drive it off that lot, it depreciates by $15,000.

The new car I just bought is a real lemon. It comes with a roadmap of how to get anywhere in the United States by going downhill.

This car is such a lemon, it comes with a tow truck already attached.

My present car has been under recall for over three years. The airbag is defective and they say they can’t get parts. Has the nation run out of air?

The company says they can’t get parts so they do the next best thing – they advise you not to get into a collision if it’s the last thing you do.

I’ve complained to the company that I’m driving a potential lethal weapon. Their reply was, “Don’t worry about it. If you’re lucky you’ll die of something else first.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics...

President Trump announced that Korean leader Kim Jong-un will only get an invite to the White House if he’s willing to stand for the National Anthem.

(Brad Manzo)

President Trump demanded an investigation to find out if there were irregularities in the 2016 election. He wants to know who to blame for putting him in office.

(Doug Johnson)

A 92-year-old man in Malaysia became the world’s oldest elected leader recently. Voters decide to go with someone who doesn’t understand social media.

(Doug Johnson)

Following his inauguration, he plans on giving a short speech…followed by a long nap.

(Linda Perret)

A reporter asked a politician, “How do you feel about your speechwriter’s sudden resignation?” The politician said, “I don’t know what to say.”

(Coke Ellington)

Entertainment...

The show Westworld is about robots who do the same thing over and over again every day and are powerless to change what happens. That’s not a TV show, that my job description at work.

(Louis Ferrante)

After 27 years, The Jerry Springer Show is being cancelled. The network informed Mr. Springer by calling him in and throwing a chair at him.

(Bill Mihalic)

On The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, John Travolta demonstrated dance moves from the Grease song “You’re the One That I Want.” Only now instead of singing it to Olivia Newton-John, he sings it to his chiropractor.

(Bill Mihalic)

Parting Shots...

Real men don’t eat quiche. Many of them can’t even pronounce it.

(Gene Perret)

I belong to an active Procrastinator’s Club. We exchange Christmas gifts at our 4th of July picnic.

….That is held each year in October.

(Gene Perret)

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