Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Tax Time

It’s tax time again. That’s the time of year when our politicians believe you can get blood from a rock…if you threaten to take away the rock’s home and livelihood.

 

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Tax Time

There are worse things than paying taxes…like being arrested for not paying them.

(Melanie White)

Taxes didn’t bother me nearly as much when I was younger…and someone else was paying them.

(Melanie White)

An accountant is someone who helps you get rich without letting the government know about it.

(Gene Perret)

I trust my accountant implicitly. Unfortunately, I found out that the IRS doesn’t.

(Gene Perret)

My accountant believes that you have to spend money to make money…so he charges me double.

(Gene Perret)

My accountant is very inexpensive. He does business out of the trunk of someone else’s car.

(Gene Perret)

No Smoking at Disneyland

Disneyland has banned smoking. With the prices they charge to get into Disneyland, who can afford cigarettes?

(Gene Perret)

I don’t think the Disney execs thought this thing through. This is definitely going to hurt their sale of souvenir ashtrays.

(Gene Perret)

If they are going to outlaw smoking, they could at least get Donald Duck to put pants on.

(Gene Perret)

Bank of America Implementing $20 Minimum Wage

BofA announced they will be increasing their minimum wage to $20 an hour. They don’t believe this will affect their bottom line as they also announced they are increasing their Overdraft Fee to $8,496.00.

(Linda Perret)

Pens cost 64 cents and they chain those down. I hate to think what they will do with employees making 20 bucks an hour.

(Linda Perret)

Joe Biden Scandal

Candidate Joe Biden is accused of rubbing noses with a woman some years ago. Are we sure this isn’t a political stunt to try to win over the Eskimo vote?

(Gene Perret)

Biden’s accused of kissing one woman on the back of the head and rubbing noses with another. If he had bad intentions, he also had bad aim.

(Gene Perret)

Apparently, the political practice of glad-handing has spread to other parts of the anatomy.

(Gene Perret)

Joe Biden claims he’s just an affectionate type of guy. If he’s elected, his first state of the union address will begin with a group hug.

(Gene Perret)

If he’s elected, women may attend his inauguration dressed in full body armor.

(Gene Perret)

There’s a big difference in world leaders. Joe Biden likes to nuzzle and the Pope doesn’t even like people to touch his hands.

(Gene Perret)

36 Billion Dollar Divorce

MacKenzie Bezos just got a divorce settlement after 25 years of marriage worth $36 billion. That’s almost a billion and a half per year for his ex-wife. What does she think she is? A baseball player?

(Gene Perret)

This may be the biggest divorce settlement since Adam and Eve called it quits. She wound up with half the world.

(Gene Perret)

Eve claimed in the settlement that Adam had cheated on her. He said, “With whom?”

(Gene Perret)

And to think that MacKenzie Bezos was a happy bride just 25 years ago. She had something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that would eventually hand over 36 billion.

(Gene Perret)

She must have really made a killing. She didn’t even leave him enough to buy a toupee.

(Gene Perret)

He really shelled out big bucks. I wonder if he had to leave a tip for the lawyers.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

An Indonesian woman has become a viral video star reviewing how good soap tastes. Too bad the Internet wasn’t around when I was a kid. My mother put so much soap in my mouth there was a ring around my tongue.

(Louis Ferrante)

When she’s dieting, does she just eat travel soap?

(Louis Ferrante)

Things are really taking off for her. She’s branching out into hand sanitizers and baby wipes.

(Linda Perret)

A study showed that pedestrian deaths are the highest they’ve been since 1990. I was so shocked I almost dropped my phone while I was reading the article crossing the street.

(Louis Ferrante)

Things are so bad, chickens are calling Uber to cross the road.

(Louis Ferrante)

Travel...

Hawaiian Airlines announced that it is adding a direct flight from San Francisco to the Islands. So now I can conveniently fly from a place that I can’t afford to live in to a place that I can’t afford to visit.

(Charles Oliver Stanley)

Why is it that my wife’s bare necessities always take twice as many bags as mine?

(Melanie White)

My husband told me not to take a lot of extra baggage on the flight…so I left him home.

(Melanie White)

The average security line at most airports is over three hours. That’s good. Even terrorists aren’t willing to wait that long.

(Gene Perret)

Why do our passport photos make us all look like people no one would admit into their country?

(Gene Perret)

Service on airlines is non-existent today. On my last flight I asked for a pillow and the plane made an emergency landing at a department store.

(Gene Perret)

Politics...

President Trump said that wind turbines cause cancer. I don’t know about that, but I do know that all the hot air coming from politicians tends to make me sick.

(Linda Perret)

There are two sides to every argument. That’s so that when one political party takes one side, the other party knows exactly where it has to go.

(Gene Perret)

In politics today, it seems that no matter what you say, you’re wrong.

(Gene Perret)

Man's Best Friend...

They say that a dog is man’s best friend. I don’t buy it. Have you ever had your German Shepherd pick you up at the airport?

(Gene Perret)

I have a best friend. When he goes to the doctor, he pays for it himself. When I take the dog to the vets it’s on my dime.

(Gene Perret)

When I go for a walk with my best friend, I don’t have to carry a plastic bag with me.

(Gene Perret)

If dog is man’s best friend, how come when we go for a ride, I always have to drive?

(Gene Perret)

Dog is definitely man’s best friend. I have a dog and I like her. I have a best friend and I’m not real sure.

(Gene Perret)

There’s a church in Florida that holds dog friendly services. The pastor said most of the dogs are very well behaved but can be a little stingy with the dog biscuits when the collection plate is passed.

(Louis Ferrante)

It’s a complete service and even includes Communion…of course, the wafers are liver flavored.

(Linda Perret)

Entertainment...

Kim Kardashian has plans to study hard and pass the bar exam. Either that or have Lori Loughlin pay to have her pass the bar by putting her on the Lawyers’ Rowing Team.

(Gene Perret)

Kim Kardashian plans to pass the bar exam easily. She’s paying Felicity Huffman to take the test for her.

(Gene Perret)

…and if she doesn’t pass, she’ll hire Gloria Allred to sue the entire legal profession.

(Gene Perret)

There’s plenty of opportunity for new lawyers nowadays…to replace those that are under indictment.

(Gene Perret)

Nicolas Cage applied for an annulment after 4 days of marriage. It was kind of like getting married in a microwave.

(Gene Perret)

That Nicolas Cage marriage was so short, the Justice of the Peace said, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the divorcee.”

(Gene Perret)

It was an unusual ceremony. The person presiding over the marriage said, “If there is anyone here who knows of any reason why this couple should not be joined together, speak now…but do it quickly.”

(Gene Perret)

They got divorced after 4 days. They didn’t want to ruin the whole week.

(Gene Perret)

The bride went home to mother…who hadn’t realized she was gone yet.

(Gene Perret)

I’m not paying Netflix to watch movies…I’m paying Netflix to watch movies while in my underwear.

(Kyle Parris)

Parting Shots...

 I used to sit around the house all day doing nothing. Now I’ve taken up meditation. It’s the same thing only with the television on mute.

(Gene Perret)

I live on a one-way, dead-end, cul-de-sac. I’m afraid to leave the house because there’s no way to get back to it.

(Gene Perret)

A woman in Dubai is facing jail time for a Facebook post in which she referred to her ex-husband’s new wife as a horse. I don’t know if it’s true or not but when the minister asked, “Do you take this man…?” the bride stomped her foot three times.

(Bill Mihalic)

…Oh no, if people can go to jail for snarky comments, Humor Files may be in trouble.

(Linda Perret)

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