Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Politics

We are finally getting down to just two candidates for President and I’m thrilled. Not so much with the candidates but just happy that there are a lot of political ads that I will never have to see again. 

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Coronavirus

They are saying to protect yourself from the Coronavirus you shouldn’t touch your face. I’m not concerned about me, I’m more worried about other people touching my face.

People should be practicing “Social Distancing” which is avoiding groups and maintaining a distance from people…or as I call it, “high school.”

With the Coronavirus people are hoarding toilet paper. Not me, if I’m going to be quarantined I’m taking something important like 4,751 Snickerdoodles.

People are being quarantined and forced to work at home. I work at home so if I get quarantined I wonder if I will be forced to go somewhere.

A lot of events are being cancelled because of the Coronavirus. Like the music festival, Coachella. Let’s face it, at Coachella, Coronavirus is the last thing you have to worry about catching.

(Series by Linda Perret)

Dodge Eliminating the Caravan

Dodge is eliminating the Caravan…so if you have plans on being a Soccer Mom, you better do it now.

(Linda Perret)

Airport Gyms

Exercise facilities are being added to airports around the country. After a hard workout, travelers can go get a deep tissue massage by a TSA agent.

(Doug Johnson)

If I want to run and sweat at the airport, I’ll just plan a trip with connecting flights.

(Doug Johnson)

One airport even offers yoga. You can increase your flexibility so you’re ready to squeeze into the middle seat on the plane.

(Doug Johnson)

The Royals

The Queen doesn’t want Harry and Meghan to use the term ‘royal’ in their branding. But she is okay, though, with “traitor” “gold-digger” or “home wrecker.”

(Linda Perret)

It’s not easy being a prince—all you do is ride around on horseback through the forest trying to find a damsel in distress.

 . . . preferably, one drawn by the Disney Corporation.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

Uber is working to develop an electric airplane to provide Uber services in the sky. Wow, that’s an amazing upgrade! Now you can be intimidated, insulted, and harassed by a pilot.

(Bill Mihalic)

A man in Virginia went to 7-11 to pick up a lighter for his wife. He bought a lottery ticket and won $500,000. The man said the lottery tickets just caught his eye. The only thing that catches my eye at 7-11 is if something is moving in my taco.

(Louis Ferrante)

A chief of police was fired at a city council meeting and the council demanded immediate surrender of his badge, gun, patrol car, and uniform. The officer striped down to his undies and walked home. That is one way to be sure ex-employees don’t steal office supplies.

(Linda Perret)

The Great Outdoors...

In my opinion, hiking is just walking with special boots on.

(Melanie White)

Hiking sounds a lot more adventurous than saying that you’re going walking with a backpack.

(Melanie White)

I love nature. To me, it’s where I store all the things I don’t own.

(Gene Perret)

“Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.” Unfortunately, it’s the fools like me who have to rake up all the leaves.

(Gene Perret)

I wouldn’t mind living the rest of my life in the great outdoors…if I could find a good exterminator.

(Gene Perret)

I love nothing more than to start the day with a fresh pot of coffee brewed over an open fire. Unfortunately, it sets off the smoke alarms in the apartment house where I live.

(Gene Perret)

Baldness...

I don’t consider myself bald. I’m 5’8” but I have the hair of a man who is 5’2”.

There’s an advantage to going bald early in life. It gives you more time to come up with comebacks to people who make smartass remarks.

A woman once said to me, “Can I take off you hat and run my fingers through your hair?” I said, “Only if you can travel back in time.”

…instead she traveled back to the bar and tried to meet a man who wasn’t wearing a hat.

I’m an optimist. I’ve been bald for over 30 years, but I still carry a small comb in my back pocket.

…actually I’m holding it for a friend.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Dating...

For men getting lucky means sex without commitment; for women it means commitment without sex.

(Melanie White)

They say that breaking up is hard to do. Not for me. When I was in high school, the hardest part was getting a girl in the first place so I could break up with her.

(Gene Perret)

They say that breaking up is the hardest thing to do. It must be because I had a lot of girls who just used me for practice.

(Gene Perret)

When one girl broke up with me she said, “I need my own space for a while.” So I locked her in the trunk of my car.

(Gene Perret)

…She preferred it to actually being with me.

(Linda Perret)

Bowling…

I go bowling as often as I can. It’s not that I enjoy the sport; it’s just that I love wearing other people’s shoes.

Besides very few other sports have vending machines and serve cocktails right on the premises.

The purpose of the sport is to knock down as many pins as you can. It’s kind of like hunting except that the pins don’t bleed as much.

You get to use other people’s shoes and other people’s bowling balls. The only thing you need of your own is a good spray  can of antiseptic cleanser.

Some of the balls are so old they don’t have places to put your fingers. They were manufactured before holes were invented.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Unlikable Neighbor...

The guy who lives next door has been telling people I’m a bad neighbor. We’ve lived next to each other for 9 years! I’m really disappointed in “Ole What’s His Name.”

(Doug Johnson)

I had a neighbor once who was very unlikable. He lived on a gated property. The neighbors paid for the gate . . . which locked from the outside.

(Gene Perret)

He was his own worst enemy, which was quite an accomplishment because he had so much competition.

(Gene Perret)

It was determined once that there were at least 14 different species of sting-rays that were better liked than he was.

(Gene Perret)

He served on a jury one time and the other 11 jurors found him guilty?

(Gene Perret)

He was even unlikable as a child. His parents didn’t put him up for adoption . . . they auctioned him off.

(Gene Perret)

His dog put up a sign on the lawn that said, “Beware of Owner.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics...

Michael Bloomberg spent half a million dollars demonstrating that he hates Donald Trump. Shoot, I know a couple thousands of people who can do that with a free Twitter account.

(Linda Perret)

So now it looks like in November Americans will have to decide between electing an old, rich guy who says crazy things and an old, rich guy, who says crazy things.

(Linda Perret)

You show me a politician who says, “I have a plan to solve this problem so that it will never happen again;” and I’ll show you a politician who is filing that speech away for the next time he has to use it.

(Gene Perret)

When a politician says, “I’m as honest as the day is long,” prepare yourself to go outside and enjoy a lovely sunset.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Streaking in the 70’s was head turning. Doing it in your 70’s is head shaking.

(Louis Ferrante)

Confidence is other another word for “not knowing what the hell is involved.”

(Gene Perret)

Good parenting is teaching your children not to follow your example.

(Gene Perret)

Enter your email address to keep up to date with our news letter!