Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

COVID-19

Nowadays, we spend 1/3 of our life sleeping, 1/3 of our life eating, and 1/3 of our life waiting for the press conference to begin on television. 

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Coronavirus

Who would of thought that one day living dangerously would mean scratching your nose without using a glove?

(Linda Perret)

A lot of people are saying, “I’m not going to shave until this over.” I just wish so many of the people saying this weren’t women.

(Linda Perret)

The World Naked Bike Ride was cancelled due to COVID-19. They said it was unsafe for the participants and it would look silly for all those bikers to be naked but wearing a face mask.

(Linda Perret)

…I would think the unsafe part would be sitting naked on a bike seat on a hot day.

(Linda Perret)

A New York couple were married by an official from his fourth-floor window. The ceremony was very romantic. The couple shouted their own vows.

(Louis Ferrante)

And there was some pre-wedding stress. Like the Bride’s family wanting to know why the Groom’s family was only three blocks away and they were five.

(Louis Ferrante)

As millions of Americans struggle with staying home, the Internet has been filled with videos of people giving themselves haircuts. We plan to do that at our house, too, if we can find the scissors. One week into the home confinement, my wife and I had decided it would be a good idea to hide all sharp objects.

(Bill Mihalic)

…Two weeks in, we decided it would be a good idea to hide all the kids.

(Linda Perret)

A reporter working from home because of the Corona Virus was caught on camera with no pants on while doing a live broadcast. When he found out what happened, he was red cheeked…all four of them.

(Louis Ferrante)

Right now everything is a little backwards. Reporters are on the news with their pants off, and politicians are on the news with their pants on.

(Louis Ferrante)

A woman accidentally ordered over $2,000.00 worth of toilet paper. Before the Corona Virus that was a mistake. Now it’s an investment.

(Louis Ferrante)

It was okay, though. Her husband accidentally ordered 48 cases of chili.

(Linda Perret)

In Maryland a distillery switched from making alcohol to making hand sanitizer. Pretty soon, Happy Hour will be $2.00 all you can wash.

(Louis Ferrante)

What’s next, cocktail napkins that double as masks?

(Louis Ferrante)

During the Stay-Home Orders, the Supreme Court held oral arguments via teleconferencing. It was great. The lawyers didn’t object, they just hung up.

(Linda Perret)

Supposedly at one point during oral arguments you could hear a toilet flushing. So apparently, the economy isn’t the only thing in the crapper.

(Linda Perret)

The country is slowly beginning to get back to normal. The only problem is that nobody can agree on the definition of normal.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

An Australian man set a world record by doing 2,806 pushups in on hour. Am I the only one who thinks the last six were just showing off?

(Louis Ferrante)

…I came close to his record…I did one pushup in 2,806 hours.

(Linda Perret)

In Toronto, a man set a new world record by riding 626 miles in 24 hours on a stationary bike. Usually that much effort to go nowhere is only seen in Congress.

(Louis Ferrante)

I can relate to this guy. You sit there and end up right where you started. That could have been me if only it was a couch during football season.

(Louis Ferrante)

A London bar has an ATM that dispenses wine. The machine dispenses cash in fives, tens, and twenties…and wine in eight, ten, and twelve proof.

(Louis Ferrante)

Technology...

Man is no longer the head of his household—the remote control is.

I’ve noticed ever since they came up with that device that shows who’s at your front door, none of my friends are ever at home when I come to call.

People wear a Fitbit that says they should take 10,000 steps a day. Then they use a remote so they won’t have to take four steps to the television set.

There used to be a saying that applied in all situations. It was “This, too, shall pass.” Today that’s been replaced with: “They have an app for that..

Someday I’m going to invent an app that lists all the things they don’t have an app for.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Sleeping...

Sleeping is a wonderful sensation. Life goes on, but you don’t have to get involved.

Sometimes I just lie there and can’t get to sleep. So I figure I might as well have lunch.

Sometimes I have dreams that I want to tell everyone about, but I can’t remember them. The problem with that is there’s no one you can call.

I oversleep a lot. In fact, I got fired for always being late to my job. I was a night watchman.

I love to dream. If nothing else, it proves to me that I’m asleep.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Dads…

I wanted to give my dad what he really wanted for Father’s Day this year, but I can’t afford to move out yet.

(Melanie White)

As a young Dad, I took my kids on camping trips. I made sure they had a waterproof sleeping bag, a gas cooking stove, and the number to my room at the hotel.

(Gene Perret)

Children are a wonderful gift sent to us by God…because even He can’t tell us why our computer’s not working.

(Gene Perret)

My son always wanted to be just like me…until he reached the age of reason.

(Gene Perret)

As a father, I had complete and total authority, subject to the approval of my wife…and my kids.

…And occasionally my mother-in-law.

(Gene Perret)

Rock Climbing...

Rock climbing is for outdoor enthusiasts who want to be mountain climbers but are afraid of biting off more than they can chew.

I’m just starting to rock climb. So far, I’ve only been able to tackle a really big stone.

Rock climbing is easy. It’s simply putting one foot in front of the other…while hanging on for dear life.

They even have indoor rock climbing which doesn’t make sense to me. They put bumps on a wall and call it rock climbing. That’s like sliding down the banister on a cold winter’s day and saying you’re skiing.

I love rock climbing. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to fulfilling my lifelong goal of being Spiderman.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Elon Musk announced he is selling his possessions because they “weigh you down.” In keeping that promise he listed two of his Beverly Hills homes for sale. One he bought for 17 million is listed for 30 million. So apparently the only thing weighing him down in the future will be his wallet.

(Linda Perret)

Elon Musk and his girlfriend welcomed a son. They named the boy X Æ A-12

But they are going to call him E = mc2

(Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

In political arguments you quickly discover that your friends are as ignorant as they think you are.

(Gene Perret)

Success is nothing more than the absence of failure.

(Gene Perret)

Self-employment can be demeaning. Every day at work I’m low man on my own totem pole.

(Gene Perret)

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