Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

U.S. and North Korea Summit

The U.S. -North Korea Summit is back on. This is like Ross and Rachel on Friends. I guess President Trump and Kim Jong-un were just on a break

(Linda Perret)

In the news

U.S.-North Korea Summit

The Summit is now back on.  This is getting confusing. President Trump’s name on the Nobel Peace Prize is going to be engraved in pencil.

(Linda Perret)

This is great news.  For a moment there I thought I was going to be stuck with 10,000 shirts that say, “My President went to the U.S.-North Korea Summit and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

(Linda Perret)

President Trump and Kim Jong-un are busy preparing for the Summit.  They are thinking of new names to call each other.

(Linda Perret)

…If they are stuck, I’m sure Roseanne Barr and Samantha Bee can help them out.

(Linda Perret)

U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem

In gratitude for the move of the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem, an Israeli soccer club is renaming itself after President Trump. They also plan to give the other teams demeaning nicknames, label the league standings as fake, and defend their goal by building a wall around it.

(Bill Mihalic)

It must be tough to move an Embassy.  Where do you find a U-Haul that has security clearance?

(Linda Perret)

Royal Wedding Gifts

Harry and Meghan are reportedly returning over $9M in wedding gifts. The couple talked it over and decided they didn’t need 45,000 toaster ovens.

So if you sent them a little something, be sure to keep the receipt.

$9M in wedding gifts! Where are they registered? Fort Knox?

Actually, it’s government regulations that prohibits them from accepting certain gifts. Meghan said, “I wish I had known about this rule before I started writing the Thank You notes.”

Imaging returning $9M worth of wedding gifts. I hope they all weren’t from one store.

They even had to return matching bathing suits that the manufacturer was hoping they would wear on their honeymoon. Now they have to find a honeymoon spot that has a nude beach.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Sports Betting

A Supreme Court ruling paved the way for legalized sports betting across the U.S. Players on the winless Cleveland Browns rejoiced as they can now legally bet against themselves.

(Brad Manzo)

Odd But True…

The Palais de Tokyo, a new museum in Paris, held a special event just for nudists. Attendees were advised to be extra careful going through the turnstiles.

(Bill Mihalic)

…And visitors to the museum were reminded not to touch….well, anything.

(Linda Perret)

Scientists in Singapore programmed a robot to assemble an IKEA chair. See, IKEA products are easy to assemble, you just need a team of scientists and a robot.

(Louis Ferrante)

I won’t tell you how the robot did, but it’s nice to know when assembling IKEA furniture, I’m not the only one to blow a gasket.

(Linda Perret)

A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts. Neighbors describe her as a friendly woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed thumbs.

(Bill Mihalic)

Inexpensive Cruises…

My wife and I finally found a cruise we could afford. We had nice accommodations, though. We were the third oar from the front.

The only way my wife and I could afford to go on a cruise was to swim alongside the boat.

We made a lot of friends, though – mostly sharks.

My wife and I had to shop around for a cruise that we could afford. We finally found a good deal on a ship that had sprung a leak.

It was listed as a cruise to the Caribbean…well, part way to the Caribbean.

They had a lovely swimming pool onboard…which eventually took over the entire ship.

The staterooms were free. The life preservers cost over $2,000 apiece.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Dreams...

I rarely have nightmares. I have enough problems during the day to last me through the night.

(Gene Perret)

My idea of a nightmare is someone else telling me about a dream they had.

(Gene Perret)

I enjoy being creative even while I sleep. I like to take nightmares and give them a happy ending.

(Gene Perret)

Why do we need nightmares? Isn’t watching the news during the day enough?

(Gene Perret)

Summertime...

It’s easy to spot millennials at the beach, they’re the ones texting while swimming.

(Tom Padovano)

Summer means school will soon be out. That reminds me I need to pick up some aspirin.

(Louis Ferrante)

When I lay on the sand, I always have to keep one eye open for any guys with a peg leg and harpoon.

(Louis Ferrante)

…Greenpeace keeps trying to roll me in the water before I suffocate.

(Louis Ferrante)

Eyesight...

I had cataract surgery recently and I was very disappointed. Up until I had the surgery I always thought I was good looking.

My eyesight is very bad. My driver’s license says, “Must have a seeing-eye dog with him in the car at all times.”

I can’t even read Braille. Apparently, I have bad eyesight in my fingers, too.

If my buddy and I hook up with two girls at a bar, he always says, “I’ll take the pretty one.” And I never know which one that is.

Bats have bad eyesight but they get around with sonar. That doesn’t work for me because I have bad hearing, too.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Dale Earnhart Jr. became a daddy. He said that fatherhood will be a breeze because the pit crew of nannies he’s hired can change a diaper in under 10 seconds.

(Joy Keishian)

Roseanne Barr is living proof that one way to be seen a lot on television is to be cancelled from being seen on television.

(Gene Perret)

Roseanne Barr said it was a sleeping pill that caused all her problems. No, it’s being awake that causes most of her problems.

(Gene Perret)

President Trump said he may pardon Martha Stewart.  And Martha Stewart said, “It’s a good thing.”

(Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

Have you ever wanted to call a Psychics Hotline and ask, “If you’re a psychic, why didn’t you call me?”

(Coke Ellington)

It takes an intelligent man to recognize how dumb he is.

(Gene Perret)

Hormel recalled 228,000 pounds of SPAM canned meat. People across the country were shocked to learn that SPAM actually contains meat.

(Brad Manzo)

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