Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

College Admissions Scandal

Several parents paid millions of dollars to have other people take the entrance exam for their children so they could get into certain universities. The parents can’t wait for graduation to see who they hand the diploma to.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

College Admissions Scandal

Several people paid over a million dollars to get their children into certain universities. My father got off easy. All he had to do was threaten to throw me out of the house.

(Gene Perret)

Some parents paid half a million dollars to get their kids into college. I have so many questions about this scandal…well actually just 2…“How stupid are those parents?” and “How stupid are those kids?”

(Linda Perret)

One actress’s two daughters got into college by claiming they were outstanding in rowing. Authorities became suspicious when neither one of them could spell the word “oar.”

(Gene Perret)

The coach of USC’s crew team permitted the two to enter college because they would be accepted onto the crew squad. The USC rowing team is now suspected to be somewhere in the Caspian Sea.

(Gene Perret)

The one daughter found out about her parents’ arrest while on spring break…aboard a yacht owned by one of the USC Board of Trustees. The Trustee said he invited her because if the yacht broke down, she would be able to row them to safety.

(Linda Perret)

Even if the two actresses are sentenced to jail terms, they will get out in about 20 or 30 years…when their children graduate from law school.

(Gene Perret)

It would be unfair to send the Hollywood actresses to jail. After all, when you are gluten free, a diet of bread and water is just water.

(Linda Perret)

Lori Loughlin probably won’t get jail time in the college scandal. The judge most likely will rule that the courtroom sketches of her were punishment enough.

(Gene Perret)

Lori Loughlin looked terrible in those courtroom sketches. She probably would have done better if she hired Picasso.

(Gene Perret)

She must have posed for those sketches under an assumed face.

(Gene Perret)

If the artist were in 4th grade, none of those sketches would be hung up for display on “Parent’s Night.”

(Gene Perret)

Lori Loughlin is supposed to have paid $500,000 to get her daughters into a prestigious college. She should have set aside some of that money to bribe the courtroom artist.

(Gene Perret)

Man Swallowed by Whale

A man was tossed into the mouth of a whale. I recently read that somewhere…oh yeah, in the Bible.

(Gene Perret)

He wasn’t actually swallowed. He was fortunate…he got a whale that was a vegan.

(Gene Perret)

Of course, the man was armed. He carried a plastic straw with him.

(Linda Perret)

You have to side a little bit with the whale. It may have been just a case of sushi getting revenge.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A woman was bitten by a snake while sitting on the toilet. After reading this, my wife better not complain about me not putting the lid down because I could be saving her life.

(Louis Ferrante)

Animal Rescue had to be called out because a cat got its head caught in a commercial rat trap. I get that. To us, it’s a rat trap. To the cat, it’s takeout.

(Louis Ferrante)

…This time, curiosity didn’t kill the cat. It just hurt its pride.

(Louis Ferrante)

In a town in East Germany, an accident at a candy factory caused melted chocolate to overflow and flood a nearby street. First responders cleaned up the area rather quickly, but it’s reported they gained about seven pounds each.

(Gene Perret)

The first thing they did was close the road to all diabetics.

(Gene Perret)

The town plans to rename the street that flooded “Willy Wonka Boulevard.”

(Gene Perret)

Around the House...

A British company is selling an alarm clock that not only wakes you up, but brews your first cup of coffee. It costs $445. For that price, I don’t need an alarm clock. I’m going to be up all night wondering how I’m going to pay for it.

(Louis Ferrante)

That’s $445 for one cup of coffee. At that price, it’s not a cup of Joe…it’s a cup of Joseph.

(Louis Ferrante)

I would gladly help out in the kitchen if only my wife would tell me where she keeps it.

(Gene Perret)

I wanted to buy a new large-image television set. My wife bought me a folding chair and set it up closer to the screen.

(Gene Perret)

Aging...

Middle age is when you start writing your memoirs and your doctor starts writing your prescriptions.

(Gene Perret)

Middle age is when you mistake “character” for realizing that temptation is just too damn much trouble.

(Gene Perret)

It’s called “middle age” because you know it’s arrived when you decide to stand tall, but your middle doesn’t.

(Gene Perret)

Marijuana use has increased amongst senior citizens. And so has the average time of their bingo games.

(Doug Johnson)

Work Place...

A Houston barber shop has a 7-year old barber. She’s like a regular barber, except if she does a good job she’s the one who gets the lollipop.

(Louis Ferrante)

Her father owns the barbershop and says she’s been cutting hair since she was four. My son is 20, and I’m still not 100% sold on letting him use scissors.

(Louis Ferrante)

According to a survey, one in five U.S. workers say they are late to work at least once a week. The top three reasons for being late are: traffic, oversleeping, and answering surveys.

(Doug Johnson)

I don’t think I was respected on my job. I was the only employee not invited to my retirement party.

(Gene Perret)

Taxes...

They’re now boasting that you can fill out your taxes on a form the size of a postcard. However, it may soon cost you $72,426.38 to mail it in.

We probably need a tax code that’s so simple even a politician can understand it.

The simplest code would be “Pay what you owe. If you have anything left, that’s considered tax evasion.”

More citizens understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity than understand the tax code.

…and they’re finding out it’s much cheaper.

Some politicians are in favor of the flat tax—once you pay it, you’re flat broke.

There are 74,608 pages in our current tax code. It’s impossible to read the entire thing before qualifying for the death tax.

A big question now is: does the death tax benefit the rich or the poor. It certainly doesn’t benefit the deceased?

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics...

Elizabeth Warren is calling for shrinking tech giants Facebook, Google, and Amazon. She says they are way too big. If she’s successful, I’m going to hire her to do something with my stomach.

(Charles Oliver Stanley)

Elizabeth Warren thinks Facebook, Google and Amazon are too big and getting too involved in the way people live their lives. She doesn’t want that because that’s the government’s job.

(Linda Perret)

The Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, is facing indictment on corruption charges. Wow. Michael Cohen must have spilled secrets on everybody.

(Charles Oliver Stanley)

The Mayor of Port Richey, Florida was arrested for conspiring with the former mayor, who was already in custody, to harass the arresting police officer. It figures…the only time you find politicians cooperating with each other is when they’re committing a crime.

(Charles Oliver Stanley)

Entertainment...

For a change Jeopardy featured past champions competing as teams. It’s the only time that you’re likely to hear a locker room pep talk delivered entirely in Latin.

(Charles Oliver Stanley)

Stormy Daniels is going to do a comedy gig in Houston this month. It’s advertised as a one-night only event…which should be more than enough.

(Gene Perret)

Stormy Daniels claims she has done comedy before…only no one is sure whether it was intentional or not.

(Gene Perret)

There are no tickets required for the show. Patrons are just asked to leave money on the bureau after the show.

(Gene Perret)

March 23, 1874 is the day Harry Houdini was born. It was his first escape act.

(Doug Johnson)

Chip and Joanna Gaines, TV’s Fixer Upper couple, just bought a castle to renovate. And you thought YOUR basement looked like a dungeon.

(Charles Oliver Stanley)

Parting Shots...

Computers have one distinct advantage over kids. Computers will at least do what you tell them to do.

(Melanie White)

Prayer means you can always talk to God directly. It saves him the cost of buying a cellphone.

(Gene Perret)

Eternity is starting a slinky down an up escalator.

(Gene Perret)

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