Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

COVID-19

Some people fear this is the end of the world. They think the Lord is going to appear and say, “This is the Last Judgment. Everyone line up, put your masks on, and stand 6 feet apart. 

(Gene Perret)

In the news

COVID-19 – Masks

I’ve been wearing a mask so long, I’ve got a sudden urge to go out and hold up a stagecoach.

(Gene Perret)

I wear a mask whenever I go out in public. It’s not that I want to. The neighbors got up a petition.

(Gene Perret)

I hate those masks. Although, looking back, I do wish the girl I took to the senior prom had worn one.

(Gene Perret)

One good thing about those masks – they’ve cured me of nail biting.

(Gene Perret)

I was puzzled why my friend kept asking me the same question over and over. Then it dawned on me – he’s a lip reader.

(Gene Perret)

One day I was eating and I would pull the mask aside and sip my soup, pull the mask aside and sip my soup.  Then I got out of rhythm. I pulled the soup aside and ate my mask.

(Gene Perret)

COVID-19 – Virtual World

I have learned some neat tricks, though. Whenever telephone solicitors call and ask for money, I say, “I’ll send in a virtual donation.”

(Gene Perret)

How come with this pandemic so many people are out of work . . . except for telemarketers?

(Gene Perret)

The word “virtual” means you’re not really there and I’m not really here, so let’s talk.

(Gene Perret)

I could have used that word “virtually” when I was in grade school. The teacher would punish me with a solid week of staying after school. I would have asked her, “Can I do it virtually?”

(Gene Perret)

Everything is being done virtually lately. Nowadays even Elmer Fudd has to hunt rabbit virtually.

(Linda Perret)

COVID-19 – Social Distancing

People are very resourceful. In South Carolina a restaurant is using blow-up dolls to maintain social distancing. I’ve never had dinner with inflatable dolls. I have had dinner with people who are full of hot air.

(Louis Ferrante)

These social distancing rules are very strict. If you take a selfie now it has to be from 6 feet away.

(Gene Perret)

6 feet is quite a distance. My friend wanted to be a ventriloquist, but his arms weren’t long enough.

(Gene Perret)

…Which is a shame because he would have done really well as long as the mask requirements were in place.

(Linda Perret)

People have to remain 6 feet away. That reminds me of how the girls treated me at the senior prom.

(Gene Perret)

Social distancing even applies at the office. “Don’t touch it with a 10-foot pole” is now an HR policy.

(Louis Ferrante)

At the holiday party, photocopying body parts is still okay as long as each person sanitizes the copier when they’re done.

(Louis Ferrante)

Odd But True…

A South African man broke the Guinness record for sitting on a pole 82-feet in the air. The last time I got that high was 2-for-1 night at Happy Hour.

(Louis Ferrante)

He spent 78 days up there breaking his previous record of 67days. This guy has spent so much time on flag poles when he goes to sleep they have to fold him in a triangle.

(Louis Ferrante)

…Sitting on a flag pole 82-feet in the air…that definitely is taking social distancing to the extreme.

(Linda Perret)

Another man broke the Guinness record for putting on t-shirts. He put on 10 in 16 seconds. I always admire people who set their sights high and then figure out a way to pull it off…or in this case, put it on.

(Louis Ferrante)

A London bar has an ATM that dispenses wine. The machine dispenses cash in fives, tens, and twenties…and wine in eight, ten, and twelve proof.

(Louis Ferrante)

Drinking...

My uncle Fillmore was a drinker all his life. When he was born, they didn’t give him a birth certificate, they gave him a label.

Whenever someone asked him where he lived, he’d say, “525 Merrymack Street, third stool from the left.”

He’d order like they did in western movies: “I’ll have a beer. Leave the keg.”

He had so much alcohol in him, whenever he donated blood, they’d first have to break the seal.

He could find his way home at night just by feeling his way along the curbs.

One bar lit an eternal flame in his honor. They set fire to his breath.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Cats...

Cats are mysterious creatures. For instance, our furniture is covered with cat fur . . . and we don’t own a cat.

Dogs come when you call them; cats put you on hold.

A dog is man’s best friend. A cat is man’s best friend only when she feels like it.

My cat has a favorite spot to take a nap in our house. It used to be my favorite spot to take a nap in our house.

Some cats consider themselves equal to us. Others won’t lower themselves to that level.

In ancient times cats were considered Gods. Then that faded away, but apparently the cats haven’t gotten the word yet.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Baseball…

Baseball is supposed to start up again on July 4th…with no fans. They’ll still have the wave, but it will be door-to-door.

(Linda Perret)

The guy with the easiest job will be the guy who calculates the attendance figures.

(Gene Perret)

Some players are depressed that there will be no one there to cheer; others will be delighted because there will be no one there to boo.

(Gene Perret)

They’re scheduled to start up July 4th of this year. Details won’t be worked out until September 26th of 2031.

(Gene Perret)

The players want more money. The owners want more money. The vendors just want some people in seats that they can throw hot dogs to.

(Gene Perret)

Politicians...

When politicians say they’re going to retire, that may be the most welcome announcement they’ve made since being elected.

What’s the opposite of think? Politician.

Politicians keep busy passing laws for everyone to follow except politicians.

If politicians would think before passing laws we wouldn’t need so many hearings to find out why they passed the laws in the first place.

Have you ever noticed that ‘we the people’ would be much better off if we didn’t have ‘them the politicians.’

Politicians claim “unintended consequences.” Politicians are the “unintended consequences” of voting.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” I say, “I think, therefore I get confused.

(Gene Perret)

The best things in life are free…but there is a shipping charge.

(Gene Perret)

Being head of the household is an awesome responsibility. You’re in charge of a group of people who pay no attention to you.

(Gene Perret)

Enter your email address to keep up to date with our news letter!