Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Autumn

Autumn, the season when the leaves have more colors than Hillary Clinton has explanations about her emails.

There are so many different colors of leaves.  I think I even saw one that matched Donald Trump’s hair.

(Louis Ferrante)

In the news

Brad and Angelina

It’s all over the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up and it’s getting nasty.  There’s name calling, allegations, and choosing sides. I’m shocked, I didn’t expect that from two people who aren’t even running for President.

(Linda Perret)

Poor Brad…he’s gone from being a part of “Brangelina” to being just “Bringle.”

(Bill Mihalic)

Election

Home Depot founder, Bernie Marcus has announced he supports Donald Trump for President.  He suddenly realized how much material and equipment is going to be needed to build that wall.

(Bill Mihalic)

Psychic Thief

In Ohio a self-proclaimed psychic was arrested for stealing $1.5 million from her clients.  The arrest shocked everyone…well, except for the psychic…she knew it was going to happen.

(Linda Perret)

She didn’t really steal the money.  She would just tell her clients, “I see bad things in your future, but $20 bucks could change all that.”

(Linda Perret)

Lion Gender Confusion

In Botswana, five lionesses have grown a mane and are showing male-like behavior.  These new non-gender specific bathrooms are confusing everybody.

(Gene Perret)

These lionesses suddenly decided to act as males when they discovered that they could make 30% more in salaries.

(Gene Perret)

They’ve taken on many male characteristics.  They roar, they hunt, and they gather together to watch Monday Night Football.

(Gene Perret)

They still travel in prides, but they no longer wait for male lions to hold the door open for them.

(Gene Perret)

Dog Professor

USC has hired a full-time dog professor.  The pup is hoping to get tenure, which for a dog is a really long time.

(Linda Perret)

Some students are thrilled, they said his tests can be really ruff.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

In order to fight climate change, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill regulating cow faltulence.  So apparently the phrase, “Pull my hoof” has become a thing of the past.

(Linda Perret)

Farmers must reduce gas emissions from cows by 40%.  I feel bad for the cows, but also for the poor shlub whose job it is to measure this.

(Linda Perret)

California farmers are now going to be spiking the water troughs with Beano.

(Linda Perret)

During a root canal, a patient ended up with an instrument in his stomach after the dentist accidentally dropped it down his throat.  This shouldn’t cause patients to be alarmed.  Remember, four out of five dentists don’t lose their instruments in patients.

(Louis Ferrante)

The dentist was very sorry and guaranteed it wouldn’t happen again.  From now on all his patients will have to leave through a metal detector.

(Louis Ferrante)

Lucky Winners...

A grandmother who won $30,000 in a lottery is using the money to buy a new Smartphone.  If she’s anything like me, that means $50 for the phone and $29,550 on lessons to learn how to use it.

She and her friends are going to go crazy celebrating her win.  They plan on waiting until 5:30 to go to dinner.

And a Minnesota man won the lottery twice for a total of $250,000.  The bad news is he spent $300,000 on tickets.

First thing he did was buy his wife a new car.  Some men would keep the old car and buy a new wife.

(Series By Louis Ferrante)

Getting Older…

You know you’re getting old when Larry King offers you his seat on the subway.

(Louis Ferrante)

You know you’re getting old when the leftovers from last night’s dinner need to be put in your will.

(Louis Ferrante)

I say “I’m not getting older; I’m getting better” but my doctor keeps offering up a rebuttal.

(Linda Perret)

Exercise...

I took up jogging for a while…actually, for about 7 steps.

I went to the gym last week.  What I’m looking for is an exercise I can do while napping.

I have a treadmill at home, which is wonderful.  I can walk the dog without leaving my easy chair.

I bought a stationary bike.  So now that’s two of us at home that are stationary.

I’m determined to join a gym this year.  I’m looking around for one that will pick up and deliver.

I told my wife I want to be buff by the end of the year.  She took me to a paint store.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Computers…

“You never know what you have until you lose it” applies to money, love and computer files.

Modern technology may be great but my manual typewriter never had a virus.

…Although it did crash once but that’s because I dropped it on the floor.

(Series by Linda Perret)

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