Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

COVID-19

Scientists are warning that we will have to deal with Corona Virus and the flu. On the bright side, no locust or frogs.

(Louis Ferrante)

In the news

Masks

Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth were required to wear masks while announcing the Sunday Night Football game. Translations of the Play-by-Play can be purchased from the NFL for $15.00 plus tax and shipping.

The powers that be want to keep them from getting COVID-19 . . . so they’ll be able to tell them from the football players.

Neither one of them wanted to wear the masks and they mentioned that throughout the game. Both were assigned a 15-yard penalty for unnecessary whining.

Their speech was almost unintelligible. On one play, listeners couldn’t tell whether it was a touchdown celebration or a Political Rally being held in the endzone.

Some people didn’t even realize that it was a football game. They thought they were watching a rerun of The Phantom of the Opera.

The final score of the game apparently was mmty-pff to themen-oaff.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Pandemic

Things wouldn’t have been too bad if we had gotten hit by a pandemic that took weekends off.

We seem to be getting revisited by all the scourges in the Bible. I don’t know about you, but as soon as I can find some lumber, I’m going to start building an ark.

I was complaining the other day that I can’t go out, I can’t have friends in for a visit, I’m stuck in one boring place…and my goldfish looked at me like: “Learn to live with it, Brother.”

This could all be a sign that the end of the world is coming. With the luck we’re having, it’ll probably come the day after taxes are due.

Optimists have always told us to look on the bright side of things. They never suggested what to do when we didn’t have a bright side of things.

They tell us “Let a smile be your umbrella.” Why? Nobody can see our smiles when we all have masks on.

The other day I saw a group of people in the park all wearing those plastic shields. It looked like the “Annual Welder’s Picnic.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Mail

Because of cutbacks, the mail is running slower than it used to. It’s already called snail mail. How much slower can it get?

(Melanie White)

Due to the slower service and longer lines, instead of hand sanitizer, the post office is handing out sunscreen.

(Melanie White)

Today I was going to mail a package, but I thought it would be more fun to go to the dentist and get my tooth pulled.

(Melanie White)

Cussing Parrots

A British Wildlife park acquired 5 new parrots, but they all use cuss words. When asked if they would be removed from public display, the zoo’s curator said, “Damn right.”

They’re not sure if all five of the birds were cussing or if one was a foul-mouthed ventriloquist.

The parrots were teaching the other parrots to use bad language, too. On top of everything else, we could now be facing a cussing parrot pandemic.

They had to get rid of the ones from public display because it was taking too much time for the zoo workers to keep washing their mouths out with soap.

Besides, it turned out the parrots liked the taste of soap.

In their own words, they said it was *&%*#$* good.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Subway Bread Not Bread

The Supreme Court of Ireland ruled that Subway’s bread is not legally bread. Subway retaliated by finding that Irish Whiskey is not legally whiskey.

Not only that, but their mayonnaise was declared an accessory to a crime.

That’s right. They declared the bread illegal, but they gave it time off for good behavior.

When Subway makes a wrap in Ireland now, they roll it up in a court order.

I’ve made some biscuits at home that were declared deadly weapons.

But I was never sentenced. I handed out samples and the judge and the jury all died.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Qantas Trip to Nowhere

Qantas Airlines recently offered a flight to nowhere. It was a 7-hour site seeing flight. Does anyone else get the feeling this is the modern day Gilligan’s Island?

(Linda Perret)

The flight started at one location and ended at the same location seven hours later and cost hundreds of dollars. If they threw in losing my luggage, it would be the same as any other trip.

(Linda Perret)

On another note, a woman who gave birth onboard an airplane named her son, “Sky.” He’s a lucky dude, one hour later and he would have been named “Baggage Claim.”

(Bill Mihalic)

Odd But True…

A man was charged $11,000 for a $90 grocery order. Or as Whole Foods calls it a 50% off sale.

(Louis Ferrante)

$11,000 for groceries. That’s a lot of cabbage for cabbage.

(Louis Ferrante)

An accident at an Italian winery caused a nearby town’s faucets to run wine instead of water. Who knew Jesus was a carpenter and a plumber?

(Louis Ferrante)

It has residents puzzled. What soap pairs well with wine?

(Louis Ferrante)

…And who do you call for that? A plumber or sommelier?

(Louis Ferrante)

Writers...

I just finished the outline of my book. Too bad I did it on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I’ve written a children’s book…at least that’s what the critics tell me.

Writing is not for the weak of ego.

Writers have to have a thick skin. It helps with paper cuts.

Writers must be smart, because if stupid people write what they know, there would be a lot of blank pages.

I have done enough writing to fill a book…with rejection letters.

(Series by Melanie White)

Virtual Education...

I don’t understand virtual learning. When they call roll, are you ‘present’ or ‘absent’?

(Gene Perret)

Should children go to physical classes or have virtual schooling? Why don’t we let the children vote?

(Gene Perret)

It doesn’t matter whether a person is present physically or not. If it’s good enough for Congress, it’s good enough for our kids.

(Gene Perret)

Virtual classes are no fun. You can’t shoot a spitball at a classmate who’s not even there.

(Gene Perret)

…Well, you can but chances are good you’re going to hurt something.

(Linda Perret)

I would have attended more school if in my day the teacher came with a ‘mute’ button.

(Linda Perret)

It’s kind of strange. Harvard has closed their doors to all students for next year. The only thing they’ll let in is your wallet.

(Gene Perret)

Harvard University plans to charge the same tuition for virtual classes as they do for in-house classes. Is that right? It is if you send them virtual money.

(Gene Perret)

Halloween…

Halloween will be different this year. Kids will be disappointed when they find out their treat is generic hand sanitizer.

(Louis Ferrante)

I saw the scariest Halloween decoration I’ve ever seen in my life. It was a calendar of the year 2020.

(Gene Perret)

Kids have a new door-to-door ditty nowadays:

We’re trick or treating for Halloween.

Forget the candy; we want vaccine.

(Gene Perret)

At least I’ll get a chance to practice my free throws trying to get the kids treats in their bags from six feet.

(Louis Ferrante)

The kids look so cute now when they come to your door on Halloween dressed in their latest personal protective equipment.

(Gene Perret)

I said to one young fella, “And what are you dressed as?” He said, “I guess I’m supposed to be bad breath because my Dad says everyone should stay 6 feet away from me.”

(Gene Perret)

One youngster was dressed as the COVID-19 virus. He was alone . . . eventually.

(Gene Perret)

Some places have totally banned trick or treating this year . . . except for campaign workers going door to door.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I hear that pigs make great pets—as long as the people who own them don’t get too hungry.

(Melanie White)

I’m old enough to retire but smart enough to know that I can’t afford to.

(Melanie White)

I don’t think age is only in the mind. It’s in my joints too.

(Melanie White)

When you finally reach an age when you can stop worrying about acne, you have to start worrying about wrinkles.

(Melanie White)

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