Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Taxes

The only things that are certain in life are death and taxes but apparently under certain circumstances, taxes can be postponed for 30 days.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

COVID

In some states, schools are reopening but teachers are refusing to go. That’s a switch, usually it’s the students who play hooky.

(Linda Perret)

States are beginning to ease their restrictions and you can once again dine at your favorite restaurant…if it still exists.

(Linda Perret)

People are tired of the lockdowns. They say it almost like being in prison, except in prison you’re allowed to have visitors.

(Gene Perret)

Protect yourself against the virus. Watch what the politicians do, and then don’t do that.

(Gene Perret)

When a politician says, “We all have to make sacrifices,” they mean “all of you,” not “all of me.”

(Gene Perret)

Foods

Pepsi came out with a Peeps flavored cola. It’s basically a can of sugar.

(Linda Perret)

I bought the diet version. The can was empty.

(Linda Perret)

A man sued the makers of King’s Hawaiian Rolls because they aren’t made in Hawaii. This guy is going to be in for a big letdown when he asks about the French Toast at IHOP.

(Louis Ferrante)

Heaven only knows what he’ll do when he finds out the Pillsbury doughboy isn’t really ticklish.

(Linda Perret)

Royal Feud

Following their interview with Oprah, Harry and Meghan’s popularity in England has plummeted…and that’s just in their own family.

(Linda Perret)

It’s terrible to say, but this whole thing is intriguing. Just think what your family disputes would be like if someone in the family had the power to behead.

(Linda Perret)

The Queen said that Harry, Meghan and Archie will always be a part of the Royal Family. Except at family dinners, they may have to sit at the table with Fergie.

(Linda Perret)

President Biden’s Dog

President Biden’s dog got banished from the White House for biting an aide. Apparently, Major was a bit upset that the 1.9 billion relief bill didn’t include any funds for dog biscuits.

(Linda Perret)

The Bidens rescued Major. There were somethings they didn’t know about him when they brought him home…like apparently, he’s a Republican.

(Linda Perret)

Major has been relocated to Delaware. They were going to put him in the doghouse but it was already being occupied by Hunter.

(Linda Perret)

New Postal Vehicles

The Post Office signed a 10-year contract for new mail delivery vehicles. If the next generation of delivery vehicles is any indication, we’ll have plenty to laugh at in the future.

(Linda Perret)

The Post Office new slogan will be neither snow nor rain or snickering…

(Linda Perret)

The new postal vehicles will give the Pope Mobile a run for its money…which is only fitting as most of the letters I mail get delivered on a wing and a prayer.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A house for sale in Vermont has seven jail cells in it. The house also has two bedrooms, two baths, and a recently refurbished tunnel for escape.

(Louis Ferrante)

It’s not really a fixer upper, it’s more of a breaker out of.

(Louis Ferrante)

A puppy was born in Oklahoma with two tails and six legs. It has six paws. It’s kind of awkward but boy can it beg.

(Gene Perret)

It has one head, one upper chest cavity, two urinary tracts, and six legs. When it comes to a fire hydrant, it doesn’t know which leg to lift.

(Gene Perret)

With six legs it has some strange commands. The owner says, “Sit…now sit again.”

(Gene Perret)

It loves to dig with those six legs. It was born in Oklahoma, but within two days it managed to tunnel all the way to Lithuania.

(Gene Perret)

Kleptomaniac...

I’m a kleptomaniac—that’s a shoplifter who’s good at spelling.

I like to steal things. I still have the first pair of handcuffs they arrested me in.

Kleptomania is a disease. One of the symptoms is that you have a garage full of stuff that isn’t yours.

I went to see a doctor about it. I’ll bet about now he’s wondering where his stethoscope went.

With me, it’s a reading problem. I treat the phrases, “Department store” and “free samples” as interchangeable.

Actually, I don’t accept “free samples.” I’m a very discriminating thief . . . I don’t take anything that doesn’t have a price tag attached to it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Memory Enhancer…

There’s a product on the market that’s supposed to improve memory. It’s made from a protein found in jelly fish, which makes sense. Have you ever known a jelly fish who couldn’t remember where he left his car keys?

  . . . Have you ever been wading in the ocean and have a jelly fish stop and ask you for directions?

I know a woman who’s been taking the supplement for years. Her memory’s no better, but she’s got a sting like a son of a B.

I’ve tried some of that stuff.  My memory’s just as bad as ever, but I’m beginning to look like a jelly fish.

 . . . I know because I’ve received several compliments.

I avoid all such products. When you’ve had a past like mine, the last thing you’re looking for is a memory enhancer.

I’ve been taking some of these supplements for so long I’ve forgotten what I’m taking them for.

I tried one of those memory enhancers and it was terrible. It made me remember all the things I’ve been working so hard to forget.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

David Hasselhoff is auctioning off the Trans Am from his 1980 series Knight Rider. The estimate is $175,000 to $300,000. That amount even left KITT speechless.

(Louis Ferrante)

I don’t know who would pay $175,000 for a used car, but they’ll probably drive it when they go shopping at Whole Foods.

(Louis Ferrante)

Lizzie Borden’s family home is on the market. Lizzie was acquitted of killing her parents with a hatchet and with an asking price of two million, it looks like even her house is getting away with murder.

(Louis Ferrante)

Dolly Parton had politely refused to have a statue of her in front of the Tennessee Town Capitol Building. She was afraid it might fall over and hurt someone in North Carolina.

(Linda Perret)

It’s a practical move on her part. She wants to save Brass.

(Gene Perret)

Most people are content with her decision. The only one upset by it is the Sculptor.

(Gene Perret)

… And a whole bunch of pigeons

(Linda Perret)

It would have been on the grounds of the State Capitol Building. Most politicians would have bumped their heads on the way into the building.

 

. . . I’ll bet they would have enjoyed it, too.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

You know survival school isn’t for you when you bring your bunny slippers with you.

(Patrick Manalio)

A watched pot never boils. An unwatched pot will boil, but how will you know it if you’re looking the other way?

(Gene Perret)

I hate to hear stupid statements—especially when I’m the one talking.

(Gene Perret)

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