Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

North and South Korea Unite

It’s wonderful that Kim Jong-un and Moon Jai-in declared the end of hostilities. But if the Earp Brothers and the Clanton Gang had done this, it would have destroyed a lot of good movies about the O.K. Corral

(Gene Perret)

In the news

North and South Korea

North Korea and South Korea have mended their ways. This is great news…it means there’s still hope for the Hatfields and the McCoys.

(Linda Perret)

Why did Kim Jong-un cross over the Demilitarized Zone? Rumor has it that he heard there was a good barber over there.

(Gene Perret)

Kim Jong-un rode to the historic meeting in a limousine while 12 bodyguards jogged alongside the vehicle. Looking at their respective figures, the bodyguards should have ridden in the limo while Kim Jong-un ran alongside.

(Gene Perret)

…It might have been easier on the bodyguards if North Korea could have sprung for six bicycles built for two.

(Gene Perret)

Kim Jon-un and Moon Jai-in shook hands and declared peace today. Can Stephen Colbert and Donald Trump be far behind?

(Gene Perret)

…I don’t know. When Trump meets with Kim Jong-un, I think Stephen Colbert will be rooting for Jong-un.

(Gene Perret)

Facebook Data Breach

Facebook admitted that it unknowingly participated in a data breach that allowed access to user information. If I wanted to have unwanted people snooping into my personal details, I’d still be living with my parents.

(Louis Ferrante)

People are concerned about their data being released without their permission. Maybe they should worry a little bit more about what they are willingly posting on Facebook.

(Linda Perret)

National Anthem

A woman declined to sing the National Anthem at a minor league baseball game because they won’t allow her to bring her gun into the stadium. Any vocalist who refuses to sing unarmed, is probably a pretty bad singer.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t have much of a singing voice. If I had to sing the National Anthem, I’d demand that the audience be unarmed.

(Gene Perret)

Singing while armed is one way to guarantee that you get a standing ovation.

(Gene Perret)

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A preschool in Massachusetts has banned the term “best friend” because it makes some kids feel excluded. I don’t know, “best friend” sounds so much better than, “Hey, Susan, I like you a helluva lot more than anyone else around this joint.”

(Linda Perret)

A university in Utah installed a crying closet to help students cope with stress. Crying closet, no best friends…apparently, we are raising a bunch of wusses.

(Linda Perret)

A woman in her thirties married a 100-year-old tree to keep it from being chopped down. I wish them the best, but May-December relationships seldom last.

(Louis Ferrante)

…They had interesting wedding vows. They promised to love and cherish each other in sickness and health and the occasional root rot.

(Linda Perret)

A London Bar set a Guinness record for serving a shot of cognac that costs over $14,000. I draw the line at drinking when it has to be on the installment plan.

(Louis Ferrante)

A drink that expensive isn’t on the house, it is the house.

(Louis Ferrante)

Airlines…

Airbus is designing a plane with sleeping berths in the cargo hold. To get onboard, passengers will be thrown onto a conveyor belt.

(Bill Mihalic)

Air travel used to be a pleasant experience. Now it’s just a treasure hunt where people fly around the country trying to find their own luggage.

(Gene Perret)

Have you ever wondered why airline personnel are so courteous? They’re trying to make up for the food they’re about to serve you.

(Gene Perret)

I love it when the flight attendant offers you your choice of three meals, two of which they are out of.

(Gene Perret)

Sometimes one wonders why they serve alcohol on airlines. Then it becomes clear once they serve the meal.

(Gene Perret)

Once I told the flight attendant I would prefer the chicken. She said, “We’re out of chicken.” I said, “I know. That’s why I prefer it.”

(Gene Perret)

Once I was very rude before boarding my flight. I was hoping they would punish me by sending me to Dallas without my supper.

(Gene Perret)

Dogs...

New research indicates that dogs don’t like it when we rub their bellies. Let me give you a tip, bosses don’t like it that much either.

(Steve Shrott)

My mother had one very strict rule – never feed the dog from the table. Which confused us kids because we didn’t have a dog.

(Gene Perret)

My dad got us a dog. It was a retired police dog. When you took it for a walk, it always went to the donut shop.

(Gene Perret)

I had a traumatic childhood. My mom and dad kept the dog and decided I would be happier living on a farm in the country.

(Gene Perret)

Age is only a Number...

Mel Brooks is 91 and still performs. He won’t stop til he actually becomes the 2,000-year-old man.

Tony Bennett is 91, he still sings well, though he tends to forget where he left his heart.

Dick Van Dyke is 92. If he appears in a remake of his show, I hope he doesn’t trip again.

Carol Channing from Hello Dolly is 97. Now when you say “Hello, Dolly” you have to shout.

(Tom Padovano)

Diets...

I went on a new diet. I only eat foods that begin with the letter Z. Yesterday I finished off a Zubmarine Zandwich and some Zasberry Zeesecake.

(Steve Shrott)

My wife is eating for two. She’s not pregnant. She just grabs my hamburger before I do.

(Steve Shrott)

There’s only one thing I hate more than diets – that’s being hungry.

(Gene Perret)

I usually go on two or three diets at the same time. I find I get more food that way.

(Gene Perret)

Politics…

I wrote my Congressman about the corruption in Washington. And his office said he would get right on it as soon as he’s paroled.

(Louis Ferrante)

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy is pushing to legalize marijuana in the Garden State and extolled the benefits of smoking pot. “How else can you sit through an episode of Jersey Shore: Family Reunion?”

(Brad Manzo)

A former professional clown from Ringling Brothers is running for Congress. He said that after so many years working in a real circus, politics should be a piece of cake.

(Joy Keishian)

Entertainment...

Prince Charles was blind-sided by a radio host that asked him, “Is it true you carry your own toilet seat when you travel?” Charles answered, “The way things are going, it’s the only throne I’ll ever see.”

(Joy Keishian)

Dancing with the Stars has signed Tonya Harding. The network says that they believe her performance will bring everyone to their knees. The other contestants are like, “That’s what we’re afraid of.”

(Joy Keishian)

Shania Twain said she would have voted for Donald Trump, then immediately followed it with an apology. With that kind of double talk, she should give up singing and run for office.

(Linda Perret)

Guitarist Lindsey Buckingham has been fired from Fleetwood Mac…at least, those are the rumours.

(Dean Watson)

When the band is short a member, they are known as Fleetwood Lack.

(Dean Watson)

Parting Shots...

Being born is traumatic. Someone slaps you and then for the first three years, you don’t even get to wear proper pants.

(Steve Shrott)

I’m lazy. My main ambition in life is to someday have a main ambition in life.

(Gene Perret)

When you think about it, cavemen were way ahead of us. With the cave drawings they had the first paperless office.

(Steve Shrott)

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