Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Happy Holidays!

This year Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa all fall at the same time. If you can’t find something to celebrate, the fault is all yours. Happy Holidays!

In the news

Shopping

I shopped so wisely this year, searching out sales and utilizing coupons, that when Santa comes to our house on Christmas Eve, he’s going to owe me money.

(Gene Perret)

I got my Christmas shopping done early this year—in April. By June I’d forgotten where I hid them all…so instead of Christmas, we may have a treasure hunt.

(Gene Perret)

Christmas

I remember one Christmas how thrilled I was when I was allowed to sit at the adults’ table. God, those people are dull.

(Gene Perret)

You know what the three Wise Men brought on the First Christmas? Gold, frankincense, and batteries to make them work.

(Gene Perret)

Santa really does know who’s naughty and who’s nice. He has a wanted poster of me hanging in his sleigh.

(Gene Perret)

A woman in Australia found a 10-foot python wrapped around the branches of her Christmas tree. Actually, she didn’t realize it was a snake until she plugged its tail into a wall socket.

(Bill Mihalic)

New Year’s

I don’t go out on New Year’s Eve, but I probably over imbibed anyway. I got a ticket for SHUI – Sitting Home Under the Influence.

(Gene Perret)

My New Year’s resolution is to lose weight. However, I haven’t yet specified for which year.

(Gene Perret)

I’m already ahead in 2020. I have resolutions from last year that I haven’t even touched yet.

(Linda Perret)

I’ve come to the conclusion that the New Year consists of one day of nothing but college football, followed by 363 days of lesser importance.

(Gene Perret)

I watched so much football on New Year’s Day that when I finally got to bed, I spiked my pillow.

(Gene Perret)

Holiday Travel

It may be hard to believe, but if you’re taking a flight from Zimbabwe to Zambia and your flight is delayed, it’s blamed on the weather over Chicago.

On airplanes, I always get the seat that just runs out of the meal I want.

Flight attendants are trained to say with a straight face, “We have Chicken croquets, Steak Diane, and Fish Cakes, but we’re all out of the Chicken and Steak.”

I say obediently, “Then I’ll have the Fish Cakes.” The flight attendant says, “I wouldn’t recommend them.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A man was told that he could bring a support person to make his firing easier. He brought a clown. It didn’t go well. After the meeting, the company hired the clown.

(Louis Ferrante)

The guy paid the clown $127. It seems like a lot. But that included a ride in the clown’s VW that seats 75.

(Louis Ferrante)

…Doesn’t the fact that the man brought a clown for emotional support give the company another reason to fire him?

(Linda Perret)

Etiquette...

When I was a kid, I always thought good manners meant speaking with a British accent.

My mother taught me that proper etiquette was acting as if we had the money to back it up.

My father taught me etiquette. He’d say, “God Almighty, will you act like a damned human being.”

Nothing says “good breeding” like pretending to like classical music.

Etiquette is acting like adults want you to act, but never bother to act that way themselves.

Read one book on proper etiquette and you’ll never eat in public again.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Arguments...

When two people are talking, at least one of them should be listening.

The only thing I hate more than arguing with people who think they know more than I do, is arguing with people who know more than I do.

In any argument, I’m entitled to my opinion. You’re entitled to your opinion, also, which I’ll give to you.

In any argument, remember that both combatants are nice people . . . at least, at the beginning.

The best way to win an argument is to agree with whatever people say. It drives them crazy.

I don’t like arguing with anyone face to face. I let them win and then talk about them behind their back.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Fad Diets…

I was a vegan all through college. No, wait . . . I was a vegetable all through college.

I once went on a strict seven-day diet. When I ate all the food that was permitted, I still had 6 days left over.

I once went on the Scarsdale diet. I ate as much as the entire population of Scarsdale.

I went on a diet where you can only eat the food that they mail to you. But then the mailman started to look delicious.

I’m not big on diets. I’m generally big when I go off diets.

I generally go on two or three diets at a time. I get more food that way.

I invented my own diet where I eat nothing but toothpaste. I’m slowly starving to death, but I’ve got a great smile.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Drug Ads on TV...

The medical profession is making great strides. Judging from the amount of prescription medication ads they have on TV, we now have more cures than we have illnesses.

TV is telling us that their medications can cure anything . . . except perhaps the illnesses caused by their side effects.

When television advertises a new prescription drug, the side effects they list sound like a warning from the Mafia.

It’s good that they advertise medications. You have to be pretty sick to watch some of the shows they air.

Forget the side effects. You can die just from trying to pronounce the name of some of these drugs.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Willie Nelson says he’s giving up pot smoking immediately. He’s expected back to earth in about 6 years.

(Gene Perret)

Willie is still going to sell pot; he’s just no longer going to be one of his best customers.

(Gene Perret)

Willie Nelson smoked weed for a long time. When his band was on tour, he would often wind up at the venue two days before his bus did.

(Gene Perret)

Willie was often high. The first time he found out he was Willie Nelson, he asked for his own autograph.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Real men do not cry…except when a new credit card bill arrives.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t mind getting mail addressed to “occupant” or “current resident.” What I do mind is getting letters from my mother-in-law addressed to “current wife.”

(Melanie White)

The secret of success is trying to find a way to make a living while you’re waiting for it.

(Gene Perret)

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