Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Laughter

There is nothing so bad in life that we can’t laugh at it . . . provided it happens to someone else. 

 (Gene Perret)

In the news

Spying Microwaves

Can a microwave really spy on someone?  I fear while I’m microwaving my burger someone is looking at my buns.

(Tom Padovano)

I don’t know about microwaves, but for years my bathroom scale has been hacked by Weight Watchers.

(Gene Perret)

I miss the good old days when to spy you had to put a glass against the wall.

(Tom Padovano)

New Color

Crayola announced that its “Dandelion” crayon will be replaced by “something from the blue family” and the public is being asked to name the new color.  So far, the only suggestions have been “Whatever,” “Yeah, sure,” and “Who cares?”

(Bill Mihalic)

Tax Season

Tax season . . . when even atheists pray for refunds.

I used Tax Turbo and entered my gross pay.  The computer kept laughing . . .

You know what I claimed on my taxes?  That I’m broke.

. . . and I had the receipts to prove it.

(Series by Tom Padovano)

Platinum Margarita

The Delilah Bar in Manhattan is now offering a “Platinum Margarita” that’s priced at $100 and must be ordered 24 hours in advance.  Good . . . 24 hours should be enough time for buyers to have their heads examined.

(Bill Mihalic)

Caution:  If you want it with salt, it’s $108.17 and takes 24 hours and 12 minutes.

(Gene Perret)

Camel Beauty Pageant

Saudi Arabia is now hosting an extravagant beauty pageant for camels, with millions of dollars in prize money.  The competition is fierce.  Already several contestants have been disqualified for having padded humps.

(Bill Mihalic)

The talent competition is very demanding.  Do you realize how long it takes to teach a camel to twirl a baton?

(Gene Perret)

Actually, it was a well run competition.  They wouldn’t allow Steve Harvey or Warren Beatty to make the final announcement.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A man used his car’s engine to power a vacuum.  It works great. It can pick up three bags of dust to the galloon.

(Louis Ferrante)

He was doing really well until he forgot to put on his turn signal and got a ticket.

(Louis Ferrante)

A seven-year-old boy had to forfeit his bowling title because his pants were not according to the league dress code.  What’s a bowling dress code?  Your shoes don’t have enough colors that clash.

(Louis Ferrante)

Let’s face it – bowling is not really known for fashion.  My bowling league’s dress code is clothes.

(Louis Ferrante)

Give the kid a break.  It’s hard to coordinate your clothing when you’re wearing other people’s shoes.

(Gene Perret)

An 80 year old woman was unaware that her cane had a sword in it until she went through an airport TSA checkpoint.  What was really scary is she almost got on the plane with 3.5 ounces of shampoo.

(Louis Ferrante)

A wedding party in Iowa took a picture of the bus they were just riding in that burst into flames.  Talk about fireworks.  I’d hate to be the groom trying to follow that on the wedding night.

(Louis Ferrante)

When the bus that’s driving the wedding party to the church bursts into flames, it can only mean one thing – Uber on the way back.

(Louis Ferrante)

They may have to change the old rule about weddings now – “Something old; something new.  Something borrowed; something burnt to a crisp.

(Gene Perret)

Vegetarianism...

I’m a vegetarian for a very valid reason – I can’t afford meat.

I’m a vegetarian once removed.  I eat cows, but I don’t eat cows that eat other cows.

I think I’ve been a vegetarian for too long.  Suddenly, I’ve noticed a desire to be pruned.

I’m a vegetarian but I also like hunting.  Every so often I go out with a few buddies and we shoot corn.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Thank God for GPS...

I love the GPS on my cell phone because I get lost very easily.  When I leave the house in the morning, I sometimes back out of the wrong driveway.

I use my GPS when I ride the Merry-Go-Round.

I once took a wrong turn falling down a flight of stairs.

I have a bad sense of direction.  When I turn on my GPS all it says is, “I’d rather not get involved.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Travel…

Fremont, California was voted the happiest place to live.  Can’t see how it’s better than my parent’s basement.

(Tom Padovano)

They say, “there’s no place like home.”  I say, “I’ll trade home for any place with housekeeping and room service.”

…Throw in free wifi and cable TV and I’m never going home.

(Linda Perret)

The other night I dreamed I was the last person on earth . . . and still my suitcase was the last one to come down the luggage ramp.

(Gene Perret)

Old Age…

You know you’re getting old when . . .

. . . snap, crackle, and pop is the sound of your cereal and the noise you make when you get up.

(Louis Ferrante)

. . . you go out to dinner and your entrée choice is based on how little you have to chew it.

(Louis Ferrante)

. . . you try to be polite to your elders . . . until you realize you don’t have any.

(Gene Perret)

They Say…

. . . It’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up again.  They completely ignore the fact that if you don’t get back up, you won’t fall anymore.

. . . beauty is only skin deep . . . and that’s true.  That’s why Playboy Magazine doesn’t publish X-rays.

. . . the early bird catches the worm.  But if the worm had slept in, he’d still be around today.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Reading…

Every book I read is a mystery book.  I keep forgetting where I left them.

I was reading one book for over a year.  And then my brother told me about bookmarks.

I just read a great book for “Do-It-Yourselfers.”  It’s 230 blank pages.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

The only thing in life that’s never wrong is the sign in the mall that says, “You are here.”

(Gene Perret)

Total helplessness would be if you were the last man on earth and you put a dollar in the vending machine and the candy bar didn’t come out.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t understand “catch and release” fishing.  To me, that’s like ordering a meal in a restaurant and then sending it back because you’re not hungry.

(Gene Perret)

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