Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Odd But True

After years of study, scientists have concluded that animal bones found in New Zealand are from a giant 3-foot parrot that lived 20 million years ago. In those days, if Polly wanted a cracker, you darn well better give her one.

 

(Bill Mihalic)

In the news

Pay for College Athletes

California is proposing that they pay college athletes. Some people take the opposite point of view—they don’t think we should be paying professional athletes.

(Gene Perret)

Each football scrimmage used to begin with the snap of the ball. Now it begins with all the players lining up to punch the time clock.

(Gene Perret)

It will complicate football. You’ll have to cross the scrimmage line, the goal line, and eventually, the picket line.

(Gene Perret)

If one team is called for “Delay of the game,” does that mean they have to get paid overtime?

(Gene Perret)

Some athletes may intentionally flunk their final exams. They won’t want to graduate and give up the income.

(Gene Perret)

Therapy Horse on Plane

A woman brought her miniature support horse on an American Airlines flight and they accepted it. I wonder what they’ll do when I buy a ticket for my support elephant.

(Gene Perret)

The last person I know that owned a support horse was Roy Rogers.

(Gene Perret)

Maybe it had the size of a dog, but odds are it still smelled like a horse.

(Gene Perret)

American Airlines allowed the horse as a support animal. Of course, they changed the announcement to “Flight 555 to Omaha is now boarding at Corral #2.”

(Bill Mihalic)

Thank goodness the person seated next to the woman was traveling with her support pooper scooper.

(Linda Perret)

This support animal thing is getting out of hand…especially when the horse refused to sit in the middle seat.

(Gene Perret)

The horse was assigned seat 12A. When the stewardess asked which meal it would like, it selected the hat of the woman in 11A.

(Gene Perret)

Plastic Ban

Whoever thought we’d see the day when whales would be thriving and plastic straws would become extinct?

San Francisco airport is banning all plastic containers. So don’t try to walk through there with a urine sample.

San Francisco airport is banning all plastics. Half the women in Hollywood won’t be able to go there.

First we had metal detectors; now we’ve progressed to plastic detectors. By the time you get through all the detectors, you probably could have walked to wherever you’re going.

When did plastic become a villain?

Hasbro is going to abandon plastic packaging. That’s probably a good idea. You used to buy a doll for a youngster and by the time they got it open, they were in college.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Botox Heist

In Houston, a woman broke into a Botox clinic and stole a lot of anti-aging products. The police are searching for a woman about 42-years-old . . . no, 36-years-old . . . no, actually around 24-years-old . . .

(Gene Perret)

She must have needed the products badly . . .all the mirrors in the place were broken.

(Gene Perret)

They don’t know whether she smashed them or just looked into them.

(Gene Perret)

With all the Botox she took, any woman who can smile is dismissed as a suspect.

(Gene Perret)

She stole enough Botox to last her until she’s 95, but will only look 48.

(Gene Perret)

The police made a composite drawing of her. It was all lips.

(Gene Perret)

Pope Stuck on Elevator

Recently, the Pope was stuck in an elevator for 25 minutes. He said it gave him a new appreciation for Purgatory.

(Gene Perret)

The staff at the Vatican immediately called the Fire Department, while the Pope put a call in to a higher power.

(Gene Perret)

The Fire Brigade arrived quickly. Witnesses reported that many of them had wings.

(Gene Perret)

The Pope used the 25 minutes for prayer and quiet meditation. I would have chosen to yell and scream at the top of my lungs.

(Gene Perret)

This one particular elevator has been “closed for repairs” . . . or as the Catholics call it, “Excommunicated.”

(Gene Perret)

In an unrelated item, it was reported that the CEO of the elevator company was struck by lightning.

 

            . . . 12 times.

(Gene Perret)

And the elevator operator has been turned into a pillar of salt.

(Gene Perret)

Actually, the elevator wasn’t really faulty. It’s just no one ever expects the Pope to be going down.

(Linda Perret)

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

Costco is selling a 72-lb wheel of Parmesan cheese. It goes perfect with Costco’s ton of tortellini.

(Linda Perret)

The cheese only costs $12.50 a pound. But the forklift you need to get it to your car costs $3,000.

(Linda Perret)

A company in England created the world’s largest reusable shopping bag. It’s over 73 feet wide and 49 feet across. In England, it’s called a shopping bag. In New York city, it’s called a cozy studio.

(Louis Ferrante)

A Belgian man sat on a toilet for 116 hours to set a Guinness World Record. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Game of Thrones.”

(Louis Ferrante)

The man was allowed a five-minute break every hour to use an actual bathroom. I think he also set a world’s record for irony.

(Louis Ferrante)

He sat on the toilet for 116 hours.  It’s pretty safe bet to say he doesn’t have kids.

(Linda Perret)

Gardening...

I have a green thumb. I dropped a flower pot on it and got gangrene.

(Gene Perret)

I went in to the flower shop last week and bought a philodendron. When the plant realized I was the one who bought it, it asked for a final cigarette and a blindfold.

(Gene Perret)

I’m known as “Jack the Ripper” of the plant world.

(Gene Perret)

I bought some plant food last week. I didn’t need much . . . just enough for a last meal.

(Gene Perret)

I even tried to grow a Venus Fly-trap. After 2 days, it ate itself.

(Gene Perret)

I bought ten plants a week ago and now there’s only one left. Six of them died and three escaped.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t garden. If I want to get my hands dirty, I can just clean my house.

(Melanie White)

The best thing about winter is I can neglect my yard and nobody notices.

(Melanie White)

I’m going to outsmart my garden this year. I’m going to grow weeds in hopes I’ll get flowers instead.

(Melanie White)

Travel...

A Tokyo hotel is offering a room with a Boeing 737 flight simulator to give guests the experience of flying. All I need for that is a fully stocked mini-bar.

(Louis Ferrante)

In addition to the room rate, it’s $277 for a 90-minute flight simulator lesson, which coincidentally is the Southwest pilot’s training program.

(Louis Ferrante)

A driver for Peter Pan Bus Line is in trouble for allegedly locking a passenger inside the luggage compartment on a trip from New York to Boston. This was a direct violation of the company’s policy which prohibits any action that takes away a person’s shadow.

(Bill Mihalic)

I’ve been on bus trips. The luggage compartment may have been an upgrade.

(Linda Perret)

Marriott is removing the small one-use individual bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and lotion. They are replacing them with large full-size shareable bottles. So if you’re staying at a Marriott on your next vacation and plan on stealing the shampoo you better bring a bigger suitcase.

(Linda Perret)

Getting Older…

I’m at the age where I finally enjoy reading a good book. Unfortunately, I’m also at the age where I can no longer see the words.

(Melanie White)

And I think I’m beginning to shrink. I can now touch my toes without bending.

(Gene Perret)

It’s obvious I’m shrinking. What used to be my mustache is now my eyebrows.

(Gene Perret)

You know you’re shrinking when your walker comes with a stairlift.

(Gene Perret)

I noticed I was shrinking at the ballgame. For the National Anthem, I put my hand over my heart and couldn’t see anything.

(Gene Perret)

They say with age comes wisdom, but mine seems to be taking the form of gray hairs.

(Melanie White)

I never thought I was old until I was overcome by the heat from the candles on my birthday cake.

(Melanie White)

Food...

Oscar Meyer is introducing ice cream that has bits of hot dog in it. Pregnant women across the U.S. are collectively saying, “What took you so long?”

(Louis Ferrante)

Oscar Meyer came up with the idea after French’s introduced a mustard flavored ice cream. There are somethings that just can’t be put together…like in-laws on a family vacation…and anything by IKEA.

(Louis Ferrante)

A study found that children whose diets include a lot of fast food are more likely to suffer from depression. Well, I guess the folks at McDonald’s are going to need a new name for Happy Meals.

(Bill Mihalic)

…Now the toy surprise may be a prescription for Prozac.

(Linda Perret)

Spam Callers...

I got caller ID so I’d know who I’m not talking to.

(Melanie White)

I called a business the other day and a real person answered. It was very sad. I assumed all their robots must have died.

(Gene Perret)

I hate calls from “unknown caller.” If there are any people out there who don’t know me, but want to call, send me a letter first and I’ll get back to you.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t know how to handle it when the phone says “unknown caller.” What I do is call a random number and say, “I don’t know you and you don’t know me, so was it you who just called me?”

(Gene Perret)

I think about that first phone call ever made—when Alexander Graham Bell spilled acid on himself and said, “Watson, come here; I need you.” It would have been ironic if Watson said, “Your call is very important to us . . .”

(Gene Perret)

Robo-dialing is a device that tells you: if you want to eat your meal uninterrupted, have it before dinner.

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Matthew McConoughey just became a professor at University of Texas. I don’t know what he’s teaching, but I do know I’m changing my major to whatever it is.

(Linda Perret)

And I’m pretty sure, I’m going to be staying afterschool…a lot.

(Linda Perret)

Christie Brinkley was interviewed about being on Dancing with the Stars at age 65 and said, “A lot of people my age don’t go out of their comfort zone.” As I recall, just being 65 was out of my comfort zone.

(Bill Mihalic)

I long for the good old days when if someone would mention a celebrity, I would know who they were.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I never walked a mile in anyone else’s shoes. I don’t even walk a mile in my own.

(Melanie White)

I’m trying to live within my means, but finding out I simply can’t afford it.

(Gene Perret)

If I could turn back the clock, I’d probably still oversleep.

(Melanie White)

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