Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Holiday Gifts

Many of Santa’s gifts are quickly returned. Rather than have his elves check on whether we’ve been naughty or nice, he should have them check on what sizes we wear.

 (Gene Perret)

In the news

Airbnb and Legos

Airbnb and Legos are teaming up for a contest to win a night in a Lego house. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, I already live in a Lego house.

(Louis Ferrante)

That’s a terrible idea.  When I go on vacation and spend $150 for a room, I don’t want it to come with some assembly required.

(Linda Perret)

Weight Loss

Researchers at Washington State University say drinking more wine can help a person lose weight.  To prove it, they are designing a scale you can crawl on.

(Bill Mihalic)

…It’s not that you lose more, it’s just the more you drink, the less you care about how much you weigh.

(Linda Perret)

School...

I wasn’t great at math. In the 3rd grade my teacher asked “If Jane has two apples and John has three and he gives Jane one, what does Jane have?”  I said, “A lot of roughage.”

(Louis Ferrante)

My teacher wouldn’t fall for the “dog ate my homework” excuse, so I ate it myself.

(Gene Perret)

I went to a tough school. The teacher’s pet was a pit bull.

(Louis Ferrante)

Our yearbook was a collection of mug shots.

(Louis Ferrante)

Odd But True…

A German man thought he found a WWII bomb in his yard but it turned out to be a zucchini. Just goes to show you that not all Germans stop drinking after Oktoberfest.

(Louis Ferrante)

This could have been a disaster.  Just think if it had been a Brussels sprout.

(Linda Perret)

He thought it was a WWII bomb but it turned out to be a zucchini.  He’s not deterred, though, he’s still going to try to sell it on Ebay.

(Linda Perret)

Technology…

You know you’re addicted to the Internet when…

…. Your husband divorced you and you found out about it on Facebook.

…. You find it impossible to have a conversation without moving your thumbs.

…. Even in live conversations, you end all your sentences with “send.”

…. “Emoji” is officially your second language.

…. Your only way of meeting new friends is to be hacked.

…. Most of your closest friends are people you’ve never met.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics…

Politicians always say, “We’re going to take steps to make sure something like this never happens again.” They say the same thing the next time it happens, too.

Politicians always seem confounded when things go wrong. It’s easy – things go wrong because they’re run by politicians.

Have you ever noticed that every problem government solves causes other problems?

It would be nice if all the politicians who say “I want to make sure something like this never happens again,” could figure out a way so nothing like this ever happens in the first place.

It’s ironic that the same government who claims “we can’t solve all the problems” can be so good at causing most of them.

Generally, when politicians pass a law that requires sacrifice on your part, they exempt themselves from it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Christmas...

Finally, Christmas day has arrived.  Now maybe the neighbors will stop complaining about my outside decorations still being up.

(Gene Perret)

…I had my nativity set up on my lawn for so long, the Baby Jesus is now in high school.

(Linda Perret)

This year let’s try to remember the true meaning of Christmas – getting something for nothing.

(Gene Perret)

Holiday Meals...

Everyone should go home for the holidays. I keep telling my in-laws that.

(Gene Perret)

Christmas is a time for Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards men…until the family sits down for dinner and then all hell breaks loose

(Gene Perret)

Every time we get together for a holiday feast, someone goes home in a huff…except for those years when someone went home in an ambulance.

(Gene Perret)

Every year we have a family argument at the holiday feasts. My one brother is a ventriloquist so we have no idea who really starts them.

(Gene Perret)

Holiday Gifts...

Last year I did too much Internet Christmas shopping. When I signed into AOL it said, “You’ve got mail…and lots of bills.”

(Gene Perret)

Santa Claus wastes a lot of time delivering presents that have to be returned the next day.

(Gene Perret)

I’ve come to the conclusion that Santa Claus is a wonderfully generous person with terrible taste.

(Gene Perret)

You can’t expect a high sense of fashion from a guy who wears a red suit with white trim and black boots.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

When choosing between loving your body as it is, or getting a tattoo, do the least painful one – get a tattoo.

(Kyle Parris)

The truth is stranger than fiction…and sometimes it’s harder to make up.

(Gene Perret)

I wish I could afford to have Dom Perignon at every meal.  I don’t like Champagne, I just wish I could afford it.

(Coke Ellington)

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