Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Prince Harry Writing a Book

Prince Harry is writing a book about life in the Royal Family. It’s about his childhood. His adulthood apparently has nothing to do with the Royal Family.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Chicken Shortage

There’s a shortage of chickens right now. Chickens have become the toilet paper of 2021.

It’s a serious chicken shortage. Colonel Sanders has been demoted to a First Lieutenant.

It’s a burden on us, but it’s a much more serious burden on the roosters.

Times are tough. You can have toilet paper or you can have chicken, but you can’t have both.

I waited in line for a couple of hours the other day, When I finally got to the front, I found a chicken in line to buy gas.

My wife has the answer, though. She buys a dozen eggs and brings them home and sits on them.

Roosters are not crowing in the morning anymore. Why should they? They have nothing to get up for.

One rooster chased a chicken all over the barnyard, when he finally caught her, he said, “Do you have any toilet paper?”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Alligator Wanders into Church

An alligator walked into a Florida church during a service. All this needs is a priest and a rabbi for the beginning of a great joke.

(Louis Ferrante)

When an alligator walks into a church, I’m pretty sure he goes to the head of the communion line.

(Louis Ferrante)

Churches are so desperate these days. When an alligator visited a Florida church, he was greeted by the pastor, given a pamphlet, and scheduled for a baptism.

(Keri Kelly)

Youngest Member of Mensa

A Two-year old girl has become the youngest member of the Mensa Society. Her first words were, “Well, I guess it’s about time we started picking out a good college.”

(Gene Perret)

When she was born, the doctor said, “Did I do it right?”

(Gene Perret)

The youngster can say “Mama” and “Da-da” in 8 different languages.

(Gene Perret)

She was potty-trained and graduated from High School on the same day.

. . . and valedictorian of both.

(Gene Perret)

She knows her numbers, her letters, her colors, and can change the transmission on her father’s car.

(Gene Perret)

Her favorite children’s book is “A Brief History of Time” by Stephen Hawking.

(Gene Perret)

She’s the only one who attends the Mensa meetings with someone holding her hand.

(Gene Perret)

Another kid broke the Guinness math record by multiplying a 12-digit number without a calculator, pen or pencil. It took her 10 minutes. I can do it in 5…unless you want the right answer.

(Louis Ferrante)

I can’t even figure out how to use the memory recall on a calculator.

(Louis Ferrante)

She multiplies faster than rabbits.

(Louis Ferrante)

Prince Harry Writing a Book

Prince Harry is writing a book about his life in the Royal Family. It’s called “Bye-Bye Birdie.”

He’ been stripped of all his titles. He’s now officially known as “His Royal Nothing.”

The Queen may write a book about Harry. I’s tentatively titled, “The Duke’s a Fluke.”

She did give Harry a nice place to write, though. It’s called The Tower of London.

He thanked her, but said, “It’s hard to type with my hands chained to the wall.”

It’s a bitter feud. When they play “God Save the Queen,” he takes a knee.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A Nebraska man set a skydiving record by completing 60 jumps in 24 hours naked. Instead of a jumpsuit he opted for a birthday suit.

(Louis Ferrante)

His biggest fear was windburn.

(Louis Ferrante)

My biggest fear would be making a mistake when pulling the ripcord.

(Linda Perret)

A man broke a Guinness record when he balanced a pool cue on his forehead for 2 hour and 16 minutes. When he was asked what was the most difficult part, he said “Neck pain and trying to chalk the tip.”

(Louis Ferrante)

Napping...

I read the other day that naps improve your memory. I forget where I read it.

(Gene Perret)

Scientists have proven that naps improve your memory. I nap so much, I’ve run out of things to remember.

(Gene Perret)

I can remember everything that’s ever happened to me. The problem is I’m never awake enough for anything to happen to me.

(Gene Perret)

I proudly tell my wife that in all our years we’re married, I’ve never forgotten one anniversary. She says, “You’ve also never been awake for one.”

(Gene Perret)

When my wife asks, “What are you going to do today?” I say, “I’m going to lay down on the couch and relive my youth.”

(Gene Perret)

I may not be a time traveler, but I’m a sleep traveler. How else do you explain me waking up on the wrong side of the bed every morning?

(Melanie White)

The Future...

The future that we worry so much about, will one day become a yesterday.

The future is nothing more than history that hasn’t had time to happen yet.

The nice part about that kind of history is that you don’t have to remember it.

I can’t remember the past at all, so maybe I’ll have a shot at remembering the future.

It would be nice if we did know the future. When a problem pops up, we can always say, “Well, what did we do next year?”

Knowing the future would make studying English easier too. It would eliminate learning the tenses all together.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Dirty Glasses…

It’s impossible to clean eye-glasses. They have wipes, sprays, and cloths, and even if I remove the lenses, I find they still have smudges.

I feel the best way to remove blemishes is with a hammer.

. . . a clean hammer, of course.

The old-fashioned system was to breath on them and then wipe them with a cloth. When you do that, they still come out smeared and with bad breath.

I find the best thing to do with glasses once they get streaked was to throw them away and learn to walk into walls gracefully.

I looked in the mirror the other day with my glasses and saw blotches on them. I cleaned, and scrubbed, and I still could get rid of those spots. It turned out my face was dirty.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Driving...

You know you’ve had too much coffee when you find yourself driving at 70 mph and you haven’t left the garage yet.

(Gene Perret)

On the highway, the far-left lane is the fast lane. The slow lane is any lane that I’m in.

(Melanie White)

My teenage daughter just got her learner’s permit. Now she wants to go out for her first driving experience in traffic.  So, if you know of any volunteers . . .

(Gene Perret)

There are no atheists in foxholes. There are also none in the passenger seat while teaching your teenager to drive.

(Gene Perret)

Nevertheless, I took her out on the road for her first drive. We had a successful run—we both finished in the same car.

             . . . eventually.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

If the shoe fits, wear it…and try to keep the foot with no shoe out of sight.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t care if someone is laughing with me or at me. I’m just glad they’re laughing.

(Melanie White)

It’s better to have a lot of good friends than have money. If the friends are good enough, you can always borrow money from them.

(Gene Perret)

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