Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Social Security

Social Security benefits will increase by 1.6% this year. Don’t get too excited, the cost of everything else is going up by 2%.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are stepping down as senior royals. The queen is taking the news well. She even offered the couple a rent-free room in the Tower of London.

Harry and Meghan will become private citizens but no one knows of what country yet.

The couple thought about moving in with her family but she’s not talking to any of them, either.

Prince Harry will no longer be going by the title of “His Royal Highness.” Instead he’ll be using his new title, “Mr. Mom.”

Everyone thought something was up when a vacancy sign was hung outside Frogmore Cottage.

The Queen wasn’t too upset with the couple but she did have one request before they leave…that they take Andrew with them.

Meghan Markle didn’t call in for the conference with the Queen, as anticipated. I think it’s a good guess that no one in Buckingham Palace wanted to hear anything she had to say.

(Series by Linda Perret)

Superbowl

Tickets to this year’s Superbowl are costing up to $15,000 a seat. A lot of people are going to be standing for the National Anthem…not out of respect but at those prices people can’t afford to sit down.

(Linda Perret)

If I paid $15,000 for a ticket to a football game, I’d be rooting for the game to go into overtime…until July.

(Linda Perret)

3-Year Old Member of Mensa

A 3-year old boy became the youngest member of Mensa. His mom said she knew he was special when her son made the honor roll in his afterschool math and reading program. You know what we call my kid’s afterschool program? Nap time.

(Linda Perret)

His mom said her son is just a normal kid. I get that her kid is smart but how dumb does she think the rest of us are?

(Linda Perret)

The mom said her son is a typical 3-year old who likes Legos…but unlike other 3-years, he knows not to eat them.

(Linda Perret)

Cold in Florida

A cold spell has hit the Sunshine State and it’s wreaking havoc on Disneyworld. Do you know how hard it is to get Dumbo into a pair of earmuffs?

(Linda Perret)

The cold is also causing iguanas to freeze and fall out of trees. My feeling is that if one of those buggers is going to fall on me, the least they can do is make themselves useful and grab a couple of coconuts on their way down.

(Linda Perret)

One iguana fell from a tree right on to a BBQ grill. That’s Florida’s version of an Instapot.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A man reeled in a World War I mortar while fishing. Typical of a fisherman, he said, “You should have seen the mortar that got away.”

(Louis Ferrante)

The man was so excited. He didn’t know whether to call Field & Stream or Guns & Ammo.

(Louis Ferrante)

A dog in Florida put his owner’s car in reverse and drove in circles for an hour. It wasn’t an accident; he was just trying to catch his tail.

(Louis Ferrante)

He did hit a garbage can, a mailbox, and a brick wall. That still puts him ahead of me when I parallel park.

(Louis Ferrante)

Researchers have discovered a perfectly preserved slime mold specimen. I just hope they didn’t find it in the back of my refrigerator.

(Linda Perret)

The mold was found with a perfectly preserved lizard’s leg in it. So the only thing the researchers know is that the slime is 100-million years old, was found in Myanmar, and the owner had Geico Insurance.

(Linda Perret)

Housekeeping workers competed in the Housekeeping Olympics. It’s like the regular Olympics, expect when you throw in the towel, the competitors keep picking it up.

(Louis Ferrante)

Competitions included bed making, vacuum races, and who can knock the loudest on the door with a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.

(Louis Ferrante)

Dogs...

I have a dog – a St. Bernard. It has a little barrel of whisky strapped under its chin. It’s like a remote control for when you want a drink.

I just bought a hunting dog. I wanted it to find my shoes in the morning.

I just bought two dogs. I want them to fight it out over which one is going to be my best friend.

I just got a retriever. Retrievers are bred to rush after whatever you shoot and bring it back to you. I guess now I’ll have to buy a gun.

I’m not a very good shot, so I had to buy a retriever that comes with its own gun.

I bought a dalmatian. It likes to ride in the car with me, but only if we’re going to a house that’s already on fire.

I bought a dalmatian and named it “spot.”

That’s to make up for what I named my last dog. It was a Mexican hairless and I named it “Curly.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Archimedes...

Archimedes said, “Give me a long enough lever and a fulcrum to put it on, and I can move the world.” And right after he moved it, his wife said, “You know, I liked it better where it was before.”

Archimedes discovered his ‘principle’ while taking a bath and ran down the street yelling “Eureka.” And everyone who saw him pass by said the same thing.

Archimedes is considered the greatest scientist of all time. Not much of a dresser, but a great scientist.

He was smart enough to know that if you march around town in your birthday suit proclaiming a new principle. . . it better be a good one.

His most famous saying was about the lever and the fulcrum. His wife’s most famous saying was, “Archie, this is the last time I’m coming down to the jail to bail you out.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Valentine's Day…

Love knows no bounds, but any woman can tell you what’s off limits.

(Melanie White)

You’ve heard love is blind. What else do you expect when they’re letting some kid in diapers shoot the arrows?

(Melanie White)

Valentine’s Day proves you can’t put a price tag on love…but you can on all its accessories.

(Melanie White)

My husband thinks candlelight dinners are romantic. But I usually just don’t want him to know what he’s eating.

(Melanie White)

Diet and Fasting...

Experts say that people who fast live longer. They don’t really live longer, it just feels that way.

(Linda Perret)

Experts say people who fast live 10 years longer. That may sound good but it’s a heck of a long time to sit there listening to your stomach growl.

(Linda Perret)

There’s a new fad called Intermittent Fasting. It’s basically starving with training wheels.

(Linda Perret)

I don’t work out because all exercise programs start out by saying, “wear loose-fitting clothing.” I don’t have any loose-fitting clothing.

(Melanie White)

I invented a diet service that’s guaranteed to take weight off quickly. They deliver the food to your door, but when you sign up, you’re required to give them the wrong address.

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Baywatch star Pamela Anderson married film producer, Jon Peters. Some people question the wisdom of marrying someone that old, but I’m sure Mr. Peters had his reasons.

(Bill Mihalic)

Dr. Oz said he is against breakfast and thinks it should be banned. But he is in favor of brunch and thinks people should brunch every day. Anybody else get the idea that Dr. Oz just wants to sleep in?

(Linda Perret)

As Pope Francis was greeting people in St. Peter’s Square, a woman suddenly yanked him and the pontiff slapped her hand. That was a shock.  Normally, priests are taught restraint and only use that kind of slap when someone tries to reach into the collection basket.

(Bill Mihalic)

The Pope was heard saying, “Where’s a nun when you need one?”

(Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

I’m at that awkward age—old enough to want to retire, too young to be able to.

(Melanie White)

Sometimes it seems like there are only two kinds of people in the world—the bad, and the not that bad.

(Gene Perret)

I’m determined to become a procrastinator. I plan on doing it tomorrow.

(Gene Perret)

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