Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Nobel Prize in Literature

The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience.” In other words, no pictures.

(Bill Mihalic)

In the news

Pay for College Athletes

California just passed a law that allows college athletes to be paid. Remember when a football player scored a touchdown, he used to spike the ball? Now he runs to the cashier’s window to collect his paycheck.

(Gene Perret)

It could commercialize the game. For instance, when a quarterback throws a touchdown pass, how much should he tip the wide receiver?

(Gene Perret)

It could affect different parts of the game. If a player gets hurt, he may have to negotiate with the stretcher bearers to see how much they’re going to charge to carry him off the field.

(Gene Perret)

If he can’t afford their prices, will the other players just run around him?

(Gene Perret)

That’s another question—how much will the band charge to march and play at halftime?

(Gene Perret)

If they form words while marching, will they demand a bonus for each letter?

. . . double the bonus for capital letters.

(Gene Perret)

The cheerleaders may lose their enthusiasm. Why should they bust their tails rooting for guys who make more money than they do?

(Gene Perret)

Even the mascots will benefit. They won’t get paid, but at the end of the season, they get to keep their uniform.

(Gene Perret)

All-Female Spacewalk

An all-female spacewalk is scheduled for later this month. The prior one was scratched due to an issue with the space suits. Apparently, even in space women won’t be caught dead out in public wearing the same thing.

(Linda Perret)

The all-female spacewalk is back on schedule. They finally found suits that fit all the astronauts and doesn’t make anyone’s butt look big.

(Linda Perret)

The women won’t be making the spacewalk together–unless one of them says, “I have to powder my nose.” Then, of course, they’ll all go.

(Gene Perret)

It’s hard to pick outfits that all the women would be happy with. It’s like NASA’s version of bridesmaid dresses.

(Gene Perret)

California Bans

California became the first state to ban fur. California is banning everything—fur, straws, plastic bags. Their state motto went from “Eureka” to “Oh no you don’t.”

(Linda Perret)

California is a state that welcomes everyone. You just can’t do anything once you get there.

(Linda Perret)

California signed a new law that requires colleges to provide abortion pills free of charge. So apparently there is at least one thing that Californians are saying yes to.

(Linda Perret)

Finalists for Toy Hall of Fame

One of this year’s Toy Hall of Fame finalists is a Smartphone. A Smartphone is a toy? Now I know why my granddaughter can use one, and I can’t even figure out how to open the box it comes in.

(Louis Ferrante)

One of the criteria for considerations is a toy’s ability for kids to learn things. For me as a kid, that was pink Play-doh doesn’t taste as good as green.

(Louis Ferrante)

The winners will be announced in November at a dinner. And at the Toy Museum Dinner when thy say “rubber chicken” they mean it.

(Louis Ferrante)

Odd But True…

An Alaskan man found a message in a bottle that was tossed in the ocean in 1969. I don’t need to put a message in a bottle and throw it in the ocean to be ignored. I have a tween daughter.

(Louis Ferrante)

Fifty years aimlessly drifting also describes my career.

(Louis Ferrante)

A five-year-old boy called 911 because he wanted a pizza. The police brought him the pizza and explained that 911 as just for emergencies. The kid apologized and quickly called the Fire Department to cancel his hot sauce delivery.

(Louis Ferrante)

I hate to argue with law enforcement, but when I get a hankering for pizza, it is an emergency.

(Linda Perret)

Education...

Officials in New Mexico announced a plan to provide free college tuition for all state residents. However, they said parents would still need to pay for books, living expenses and bribes to the admissions office.

(Bill Mihalic)

California passed a law requiring schools to start later. Apparently in California nothing good happens after midnight or before 8 am.

(Linda Perret)

Expulsion is when you realize that the school doesn’t want your kid either.

(Melanie White)

Playing Guitar...

I own a guitar but I very rarely play it anymore. It’s not that I don’t have time; it’s that the neighbors drew up a petition.

I said to my wife, “Don’t you think that’s a terrible thing to do?” That’s when I found out that she started the petition.

I used to play and sing at parties, but then it takes so long the next day to get all the tar and feathers off.

I took my guitar on a cruise once. I enjoyed sitting on deck and playing a few tunes. However, the captain insisted that when I did, I had to wear a life vest.

He actually threatened that if I didn’t, he would put me in the ship’s brig. But as an act of compassion he couldn’t do that unless he released all those who were already in the brig.

Eventually, someone threw my guitar overboard. A passing school of dolphins threw it back.

(Series by Gene Perret)

GPS...

I have a GPS that tells me where I’m going and how to get there. But it refuses to tell me why.

I have a voice GPS, but it’s a cheaper model. As I’m driving it keeps asking me, “Does any of this look familiar to you?”

I had a defective GPS once. It would tell you to turn left when it meant to turn right. It would say, “right” when it meant “left.” It was terrible. I got so mad, I threw it out the car window…and it went up.

I had one GPS…the first time I used it I nearly drowned. Of course, I bought it from a guy who owned a boat.

My daughter wanted me to get a GPS. I said, “What does it do?” She said, “It tells you where to go.” I said, “All my friends do that already.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Getting Older…

You know you’re getting old when you eat the prune Danish for reasons other than it tasting good.

(Melanie White)

A woman marked her 103rd birthday by skydiving. I’m half her age, and I only get that high at Happy Hour.

(Louis Ferrante)

This woman really inspired me to try something new. Next week, I’m buying the Sea Salt Potato Chips.

(Louis Ferrante)

I’m at the age where I wish my cholesterol count was my bowling average and my bowling average was my cholesterol count.

(Louis Ferrante)

At my age, my temper isn’t getting shorter. People are just getting stupider.

(Louis Ferrante)

Green Thumb...

I’m afraid to have kids, especially since I can’t even keep plants alive.

(Melanie White)

When I put a new plant in my house, all the thing does is sit there and keep asking, “Has the Governor called yet?”

(Gene Perret)

I even tried talking lovingly to my plants. Two rhododendrons accused me of harassment.

(Gene Perret)

You know you shouldn’t have plants when you can’t even get a Chia Pet to grow.

(Melanie White)

I don’t know what they put in Chia Pets to make them sprout, but I would like to get a shampoo made out it.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t want a green thumb. It’s too hard to find shoes that match.

(Gene Perret)

Pill Ads on TV...

Most commercials on TV nowadays are drugs to cure what ails you. Shouldn’t they spend more time trying to cure what ails TV?

I love drug commercials on television. They spend 10 seconds telling you this drug will keep you alive, and then 50 seconds telling you how the side effects will make you wish the pill would have killed you in the first place.

It’s funny how they promote medications on TV. “Take this pill. Don’t worry about the side effects. We have pills to cure those, too.”

They say “Ask your doctor.” Maybe we’d all feel better if we went to doctors who know enough that we don’t have to ask.

Most ads on TV are for two items—pills and cars. The idea is: if the pills don’t work, you can drive yourself to the hospital in luxury.

We get so many medication ads nowadays, I keep my television in the medicine cabinet.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Garage Sales...

Garage sales are where people try to sell stuff they’re too embarrassed to give away.

(Melanie White)

The worst part of having a garage sale is the next week seeing everything you sold listed on Ebay for triple what you sold it for.

(Linda Perret)

With garage sales it is “early bird gets the worm.” But with garage sales that worm is going to cost you a quarter.

(Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

For adventurous travelers, a unique hotel—the North Pole Igloos—will be opening at the North Pole in April 2020. The only drawback is that you have to help make toys.

(Bill Mihalic)

One problem with atheism is that when you wake up on a Sunday morning, there’s no thrill in saying, “I don’t think I’ll go to church today.”

(Gene Perret)

It seems like the only thing on me that lifting weights has made stronger is my odor.

(Melanie White)

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