Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

A New Year

Don’t worry if you’ve already broken your New Year’s Resolution. After 2020 we’re all getting a Mulligan for 2021.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

COVID-19

Two gorillas at the San Diego Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. I sure hope the gorillas are feeling better, as well as the zookeeper who had to do the nasal swabs.

(Linda Perret)

The zookeeper is just glad it wasn’t the elephants that had to be tested.

(Gene Perret)

The gorillas seem healthy enough. All they do is sit there and dare anyone to try to quarantine them.

(Gene Perret)

It’s affecting all the animals. Instead of burying their nuts, the squirrels are wrapping them in Saran Wrap.

(Gene Perret)

They may have to test all the animals. They have an application out now for a veterinarian who can swing from tree to tree.

(Gene Perret)

Forgiving School Loans

President-Elect Joe Biden is supposedly considering forgiving $50,000 of student debt. Boy, that makes me wish I had gone to school.

In my day, if you had $50,000, you didn’t have to go to college. You could retire.

I went to a tough school. I lost more than $50,000 to the school bully who kept stealing my lunch money.

If they’re giving away $50,000, my bet is that the first ones in line to get it will be politicians.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Breakdancing an Olympic Sport

Wrestling has been eliminated from the Olympics, but breakdancing has been added. What is breakdancing anyway but wrestling without an opponent.

Breakdancing is soon to become an Olympic sport. It’s the only sport where the participants can move better than the cheerleaders.

If breakdancing is an Olympic sport, can yodeling be far behind?

The next great Olympic sport may be slipping on a banana peel.

Breakdancing is not a sport. It’s simply putting parts of your body where they’ve never been before while spinning on your head.

…if you can find it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A German man set the record for the most body piercings with 453…454, if you count the hole in his head.

(Louis Ferrante)

…He has 158 just around his lips alone. It must take him three days to eat a bowl of soup.

(Louis Ferrante)

In other record-breaking news, an 11-year-old girl broke a Guinness World record by solving 30 Rubik’s cubes while Hula Hooping. Meanwhile, I can’t remember if Hula has one “L” or two.

(Louis Ferrante)

The record took her less than hour. It takes me 25 minutes just to get the Rubik’s Cube out of the box.

(Louis Ferrante)

…And if it comes wrapped in plastic, I just throw it away.

(Linda Perret)

Politics...

The House of Representatives voted to impeach President Trump. How do you like that? 2021 is only a few weeks old and we are already into reruns.

(Linda Perret)

The Election is over and both Republicans and Democrats are promising to reach across the aisle. Okay, it might be with a joy buzzer in their hand, but it’s a start.

(Louis Ferrante)

President-Elect Joe Biden says his administration will be different. At 78, my bet is that means all state dinners will be at 4:30.

(Louis Ferrante)

After a tie election, a town outside of Houston elected their mayor by picking a name out of a hat. The new mayor’s name is Size 7 and 5/8ths.

(Linda Perret)

There is controversy with a Representative and a spy named Fang-Fang. If you were going to be a spy and you could select any phony name you wanted, would you pick Fang-Fang?

(Gene Perret)

It sounds like a name you would give to a two-headed snake.

(Gene Perret)

…Or maybe a cute nickname Dracula would call his grandchildren.

(Gene Perret)

Housecleaning...

I’m a terrible housewife. I clean my living room with a leaf blower.

The house is a mess. We can’t have company over. There’s no room for them in the living room.

I was going to straighten up the living room the other day, but I couldn’t. A wheel fell off the tractor.

I sweep everything under the rug. That’s where we found the dog we thought had ran away years ago.

Our house has been awarded a 5-cockroach rating by the Board of Health.

My husband came home and said, “What do you do all day?”  I said,” Have you met our kids? I survive.”

(Series by Perret)

Football…

I hate football, but I pretend to watch it on TV for the entire weekend . . . just so my wife won’t ask me to help with the housework.

Football has changed over the years. No matter where they put the ball on the field nowadays, somebody can kick a field goal.

They should make field goals harder to attain. For instance, you not only have to kick the ball through the goal posts, but also the guy who’s holding it.

I always wanted to be a professional football player. That’s pretty ambitious for an adult who weighs 130 pounds.

I was the only one that played without a helmet. The coach said my head was hard enough to do without it.

I did try out for our high school football team, but the first time I got tackled, I switched to the Chess team.

I was injured the third week of competition. It’s embarrassing to be carried off the chess board on a stretcher

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parents…

Parents would be unbearable if they weren’t related to us.

When my mother got angry at me, she would say, “Just you wait. Someday you’ll have children of your own.” Basically, she would threaten me with myself.

My mother would send me to my room and then forget about me. I had two brothers and one sister. I’ve never met them.

My mother was very protective of my health. I wasn’t allowed to date until the day I qualified for Medicare.

My mother says, “How come you never come around to visit me?” I say, “Don’t you remember, Mom? You got a court order.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

HBO Max is bringing back Sex in the City. This version will be called “Sex in the City: The Menopause Years.”

The women are now in their 50’s. The more accurate title would be “Sexless in the Suburbs.”

The girls used to enjoy Cosmopolitans at nightclubs. Now they’ll get excited for early bird specials and coupons.

I’m not going to say the characters have aged but Mr. Big is now called Mr. Wide.

(Series by Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

Anyone who begins a sentence with “I’m not going to lie to you,” is.

(Gene Perret)

The problem with living is that we go from ‘too young’ to ‘too old’ too fast.

(Gene Perret)

Somehow, I believe dogs take advantage of us humans. I took my dog to obedience school and now he keeps hounding me to pay for his postgraduate work.

(Gene Perret)

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