Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Spending

The White House announced that we saved 16 cents on our 4th of July barbeques this year as compared to last year. I was so thrilled, I sent them a thank you note and ended up right back in the hole.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

High Gas Prices

Gas prices are at a record high. Gas pumps nozzles are being replaced with eyedroppers.

(Ugur Akinci)

I gave my son a car to go off to college. Now he has to find a university that’s within walking distance of our house.

(Gene Perret)

I gave my son a car to go off to college. It was sad watching him traipsing off to college dragging the car behind him.

(Gene Perret)

I stopped the other day and put a down payment on a tank of gas.

(Gene Perret)

I filled my car up with gas the other day and the station owner kept it—he said I could owe him the rest.

(Gene Perret)

Worker Shortage

Hotels are having difficulty finding enough workers. Laundry service has gotten so bad the hotels are allowing you to steal the towels if you promise to wash them.

(Ugur Akinci)

Staff shortages are leading to declining profit margins. Many restaurants are refusing reservations for groups weighing less than a ton.

(Ugur Akinci)

Construction is turning to older workers. Due to poor eyesight, every new building in America now looks like it’s been built by Salvador Dali.

(Ugur Akinci)

Productivity in the construction sector is plummeting due to an alarming rise in the number of bathroom breaks.

(Ugur Akinci)

Old construction workers still whistle at women, but they can’t remember why.

(Ugur Akinci)

$100 Sandwich at Disneyland

Disneyland is selling a sandwich for $100 –with pickles, it’s $125.

So far, they’ve only sold one – to Goofy.

Apparently, Mickey and Minnie are trying to become the new Mr. & Mrs. Bill Gates.

Mickey wanted to buy one too – but he had to sell Tomorrowland to afford it.

Mickey wants to own a restaurant that’s pricey enough for Gavin Newsom to eat at.

Disneyland is the happiest place on earth – until you get a look at the menu.

(Series by Gene Perret)

UFOs

I don’t believe UFO’s represent a higher civilization. They are just like us. They’re looking for their lost luggage.

(Ugur Akinci)

The government is admitting that UFOs do exist—but not until they’ve been duly elected.

(Gene Perret)

It’s ironic isn’t it. Politicians are admitting that UFOs exist.

(Gene Perret)

I get a kick out of politicians passing judgment on UFOs. It’s hard to tell which one knows what they’re talking about.

(Gene Perret)

The UFOs are doing things that are not humanly possible. It’s like Dolly Parton shopping for a bra in the Junior Miss department

(Gene Perret)

Prince Harry & Riding a Bike

Prince Harry complains his parents never taught him to ride a bike. You know, maybe they couldn’t afford one.

He cried all the way home in his chauffeur driven coach, pulled by 4 white horses.

He’d better learn to ride a bike soon because that may shortly be the only transportation the Queen allows him.

The Queen never learned to ride a bike, either. Anyplace she wants to go, they carry her around on a red velvet chair.

Prince Harry never learned to ride a bike.  He also never learned to keep his mouth shut.

In my neighborhood, we had to learn to ride a bike. Then we had to learn to fight to get our bike back from whoever stole it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Social Security Raise

People on Social Security are getting a large cost of living increase this year. One question—Do they call this “living?”

Old folks are getting a raise, but it’s not enough. Just when it’s OK to go out again, we can’t afford it.

It should be changed from a COLA to a COLE – from cost of living adjustment to cost of living enduring.

The cost of everything has gone up. Many places have eliminated the restrictions. You can go into restaurants. You can sit at the bar. You don’t even have to be 6 feet apart. They want people to be nice and close so they can borrow money from one another.

You get a raise, but prices have gone way up. You get more so you can spend less.

Only our government can figure out a way so that you can get more spendable money . . . until you want to buy something.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

An Idaho man won his second lottery jackpot in seven years. He also bought a second home, purchased a second sports car, and filed for his second divorce.

(Keri Kelly)

A teenager broke the Guinness World Record for the longest hair. Her hair grew to six feet, seven inches. She washes it any time she can get a loan for shampoo.

(Louis Ferrante)

She hasn’t cut her hair for twelve years. What a coincidence, that’s the last time I had hair.

(Louis Ferrante)

There is a gardening gnome shortage in England. A gardening store owner said he hasn’t seen a gnome in six months. My advice is to find a bar with a better happy hour.

(Louis Ferrante)

Money Matters...

Bitcoin is confusing. One man tried to buy sex with bitcoin but he couldn’t go further than foreplay. He kept forgetting his password.

(Ugur Akinci)

Bitcoins are kept in digital wallets, which means you need a math Ph.D. to become a pickpocket.

(Ugur Akinci)

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how much they cut taxes, it’s going to cost me money.

(Gene Perret)

My wife is addicted to discounts. Her motto is, “You have to spend money to save money.”

(Gene Perret)

When I was a kid, the only money I had was what my parents gave me. Then I went off to college and discovered that wasn’t nearly enough.

(Gene Perret)

Deadly Sins...

They tell us there are only 7 deadly sins. I don’t know about you, but I could use more.

I find that 7 deadly sins are hardly enough . . . so I’ve started using some twice.

The 7 deadly sins are Envy, Lust, Greed, Pride, Gluttony, Sloth, and Wrath. It sounds like the oath of office for politicians.

I’ve been guilty of the sin of pride many times. When you’re as talented as I am, it’s hard to resist.

I committed all those sins except for Wrath. And I’ll probably commit that, too, once I find out what it is.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Travel…

More and more fights are breaking out on flights. It makes me nervous when the flight attendant is wearing a Kevlar uniform.

(Ugur Akinci)

A Russian airline is offering aerial tours of Chernobyl. The Yelp reviews are glowing and so are the people who went on the tour.

(Louis Ferrante)

If I want to take a tour of a disaster, I can save a lot of money and just go to my son’s room.

(Louis Ferrante)

A woman gave birth on a flight from Utah to Hawaii. The baby arrived early. Delta was thrilled. It’s one of the few times anything associated with their airline arrived ahead of schedule.

(Louis Ferrante)

Jogging...

My doctor wants me to jog 5 miles a day. I go to an old-fashioned doctor. He’s never heard of Uber.

The doctor said I need more exercise—so I’ve gone back to using a rotary phone.

I don’t want to run 5 miles a day. That’s why I gave up purse-snatching in the first place.

I came up with a clever solution, though. For 7 nights in a row I dreamt I jogged 5 miles a day. Sure enough—on the 8th night, I dreamt I lost 5 pounds.

I told the doctor, “It’s hard to jog that much because I have s o many aches and pains.” He said, “Yeah, but if you jog every day, at least we’ll know what’s causing them.”

So now I run every single day…looking for another doctor.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

What do you think is going to run out first – Bill O’Reilly books or the people he’s going to write them about?

The last man on earth was sitting in his room when a knock came to the door.

. . . It was Bill O’Reilly wanting to interview him.

Bill O’Reilly’s last book will have to be an autobiography.

He’ll have plenty of time to write it. He doesn’t waste a lot of time thinking up clever titles.

All of Bill O’Reilly’s book titles start with “The Killing Of.” Pretty soon he’s going to have to start writing “The Birth of.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Failure in and of itself is no disgrace. It’s when other people find out about it.

(Gene Perret)

Never put off until tomorrow what you can get away with never doing at all.

(Gene Perret)

I love sweets. I don’t really know what Heaven is going to be like. But it should have icing on it.

(Gene Perret)

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