Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Happy 4th of July!!

Our country will be 214 years old on the 4th of July. Thanks to our politicians we’ll not only have 214 candles on our birthday cake, but enough hot air to blow them all out. 

 (Gene Perret)

In the news

Global Warming

Global warming is a fact.  Chickens are now laying omelets.

(Gary Karbon)

And sea levels are rising everywhere.  This year, the Kentucky Derby was won by a three-year-old marlin.

(Gary Karbon)

Snortable Chocolate

A European company is marketing a powdered chocolate that can be snorted.  It’s not addictive, but your nose gets fat.

(Bill Mihalic)

Now you can inhale chocolate.  Is this really necessary?  Give me a couple of Hershey bars and I’ll show you how to inhale chocolate.

(Linda Perret)

Live Forever

According to a new study it may one day be possible for humans to live forever.  That’s the good news, the bad news is that your finances usually run out around year 133.

(Linda Perret)

Some people are taking this seriously, especially the post office who is re-thinking the idea of those forever stamps.

(Linda Perret)

There is a new fashion trend called “romphims”.  It’s a romper for men, so basically, a onesie for the man in your life.

(Linda Perret)

Good Will

While visiting North Korea, Dennis Rodman gave Kim Jong Un Donald Trump’s book on negotiating.  Rodman explained to the ruler that negotiating is something some people do when they just don’t feel like launching an ICBM missile.

(Bill Mihalic)

Crossword Puzzles...

I do crossword puzzles differently from most people. I use crayons and make all the square different colors.

…It requires less thinking and they’re much prettier when you’re finished.

My wife loves crossword puzzles.  She asked me once, “Give me a five-letter word for a great golfer.” I said, “Jack Nicklaus.”  She said, “Five letters.” I said, “Write small.”

I do crossword puzzles like a stand-up comedian.  If I can’t think of the appropriate work, I just put in an obscenity.

Why do they make you wait a week for the answers? That’s like hitting a putt in golf and coming back next Sunday to see if it went in or not.

I get even with them for doing that. If I know the correct answer to 14-across, I make them wait a week before I write it in.

…Of course, by then I usually have forgotten it.

I don’t like Sudoku puzzles either. It took me four months before I learned how to spell it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A museum dedicated to ice cream opened in LA.  Tickets cost $29…$29.50 if you want sprinkles.

(Louis Ferrante)

The museum’s curator said he wanted to open a place where adults could act like children.  I thought that’s what Congress was for.

(Louis Ferrante)

One feature is a room filled with bananas.  Big deal, I have that every year when my relatives come over for Thanksgiving dinner.

(Louis Ferrante)

…And one room is full of nuts.  And that’s what I have when my in-laws come over for dinner.

(Linda Perret)

The Opposite Sex...

My girlfriend loves having me around the house.  She just gets mad when I try to get in it.

(Kyle Parris)

Men say to women, “That dress looks nice.” Women say to men, “You’re not leaving the house dressed like that.”

(Gene Perret)

On the Calendar...

America’s a funny country.  July 4th is its birthday, but April 15th is when it collects all the gifts.

(Gene Perret)

July 14th is “National Nude Day.”  Already? I’m still trying to get over the sunburn I got last year.

(Louis Ferrante)

Bad Memory...

I’ve always had trouble remembering names. So now when I’m introduced to people, I write their name on their forehead with a sharpie.

I have such a bad memory that I carry a small notebook with me at all times.  When I have to remember something I simply write…darn, I forgot my pencil again.

I have such a bad memory that it’s easier for me to buy a new dog then it is to remember what I named the one I already have.

Sometimes when I go for a drive, I forget to bring my driver’s license.  And sometimes when I go for a walk, it means I also forgot to bring the car.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Exercise and Losing Weight…

My doctor put me on a surefire weight loss program.  He charged me so much per visit I can’t afford lunch.

Everybody in the world wants to lose 5 pounds.  But we all wear five pounds of clothing. If we would all agree to walk around naked – problem solved.

…In fact, we’d probably lose even more weight because none of us would have an appetite.

…But we’d be laughing more.

My doctor also prescribed a rigorous exercise regimen. He signed me up for a gym in Beverly Hills…but the parking lot is in Oxnard.

He asked me if I could touch my toes 25 times each morning.  I said, “Only if the toes meet me halfway.”

I’ve started a jogging program, but I’m easing into it gradually. Right now, I sit on my front porch and watch other people run by my house.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

A recent study said that more than 10% of retirees are ‘not satisfied’ with retirement.  Actually, they weren’t satisfied with working either, but at least they had someone to complaint to.

(Bill Mihalic)

When life gives me lemons, I try to make grapefruit juice.  I know, some people make lemonade, but I like more of a challenge.

(Gene Perret)

If you were the last person on Earth, you couldn’t go anywhere.  All the highways would be jammed with abandoned cars.

(Gene Perret)

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