Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Christmas Time!

As if there wasn’t enough stress during the holidays, I had to return the Elf on a Shelf I picked up.  It was afraid of heights.

(Louis Ferrante)

In the news

California Bar Considering Rule Change

The California Bar is considering a new rule banning lawyers from having sex with their clients.  Now even the attractive ones will have to pay cash.

(Bill Mihalic)

The rule change was in response to numerous complaints but this wasn’t what people were talking about when they said they got screwed by their attorney.

(Linda Perret)

Edison’s Keys Auctioned

Thomas Edison keys were auctioned off for over $10,000.  Finally after all these years, Thomas Edison can stop asking, “Where are my keys?”

(Linda Perret)

Cost of Drugs Causing Elderly to Give Up Sex

The high cost of sex enhancing drugs is causing many older people to give up sex. Maybe that’s why so many older folks are at the Early Bird Specials, they can’t afford to do anything else at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

(Linda Perret)

Many insurance companies won’t pay for the drugs.  Apparently, the insurance companies want you to have a long life, they just don’t want you to enjoy it.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

There’s a viral video of a woman crushing a can of Red Bull with her butt.  Now that’s a special skill you don’t see listed on a resume every day.

…She must be very popular in her neighborhood on recycle day.

(Louis Ferrante)

A chiropractor operating out of a truck stop in Atlanta was charged with falsifying medical exams.  What is the world coming to when you can’t trust a doctor you stumble upon at a truck stop?

(Linda Perret)

A python in the Everglades was found to have three reindeer in its systems.  If one of them had a red nose, it’s not going to be a very merry Christmas.

(Linda Perret)

Eternal Life...

Heaven is a place of eternal ecstasy…unless you happen to hate harp music.

Hell may not be that bad of a place…except maybe for the neighbors.

In the next life, there are only two choices – Heaven or Hell.  You’d think God might have come up with something like a “business class.”

If good people go to Heaven and bad people go to Hell, mediocre people must have to live forever.

(Series By Gene Perret)

Over Eating...

You know you’re eating too much when security at every Las Vegas hotel has your picture on their phone in case you go to the all you can eat buffet.

(Louis Ferrante)

I don’t want to say I have bad eating habits. But my food pyramid was just condemned.

(Louis Ferrante)

Before when I said I can’t make ends meet I was talking about my budget, now it’s my belt.

(Linda Perret)

The Holidays...

If Christmas took place today, Mary and Joseph would still stay in a barn but they’d would have found it on AirBnB.

(Louis Ferrante)

And of course, frankincense would now be legal in California, Washington, and Colorado.

(Linda Perret)

Nowadays so many people are shopping online.  Santa has replaced his elves with the Geek Squad.

(Linda Perret)

The first time my granddaughter heard “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” she wanted to know if Santa was texting.

(Louis Ferrante)

I love getting Christmas cards.  It’s nice to get something in the mail that isn’t stamped “Past Due.”

(Linda Perret)

Christmas cards are great.  You can keep in touch with family and friends without having to get their opinion on every little thing like on Facebook.

(Linda Perret)

Fractured Saying...

Two heads are better than one…

…except that you have to have all your dress shirts custom made.

…but it does present a challenge to your barber.

…especially if you’re an aspirin salesman.

…unless you’re seated behind that person at the theatre.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Writer's Life…

When I read a mystery novel, I like to read the last chapter first.  That way I always know who did it, but I can’t wait to find out what they did.

I’m writing a book now. It’s a mystery.  I have no idea what it’s about.

I’ve just written a great book for “Do-It-Yourselfers.”  It’s 230 pages…all blank.

I read a great book about Harry Houdini but the title escapes me.

(Series by Gene Perret)

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