Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the one day we give thanks for all the wonderful things in our lives. I think that’s wrong. We should give thanks 364 days a year and then complain on the 365th. Although the parade probably wouldn’t be as much fun.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Auction

Someone paid $36 million for a pearl pendant that belonged to Marie Antoinette. The pendant is made to be worn around the neck which is pretty ironic considering who the prior owner was.

(Linda Perret)

The buyer didn’t mean to spend that much but once the auction got underway, he just lost his head.

(Linda Perret)

Mid-Term Elections are Over

The mid-term elections are now over. The only thing left is the counting of ballots in Florida…and that may take a while.

(Linda Perret)

The mid-term elections are over. I know because the political ads have been replaced with drug commercials listing all the nasty side effects…the way it should be.

(Linda Perret)

The only thing remaining from the elections are the forgotten yard signs.

(Linda Perret)

Animals

A dolphin was found shot to death on a beach in Southern California. They don’t know how it happened, but the police have ruled out suicide.

(Linda Perret)

It is despicable that someone would shoot an innocent dolphin. Not only can’t dolphins defend themselves, do you know how hard it is to swim while wearing a bulletproof vest?

(Linda Perret)

A Colorado man survived a shark bite and being mauled by a bear in the same calendar year. He’s now taking classes on how to be less delicious.

(Gene Perret)

He said, “The strange thing is I really like animals.” Apparently, the feeling is mutual.

(Gene Perret)

Beer for Dogs

A couple created a beer for dogs called “Good Boy Beer.” Dogs love it. In fact, four out of five would rather drink it than water from the toilet.

(Louis Ferrante)

A beer for dogs…shouldn’t that be called “Hair of the Human?”

(Louis Ferrante)

I ordered it for my dog and accidentally drank one. It wasn’t bad, but for a few hours after I had this urge to chase cars driving down the block.

(Louis Ferrante)

My dog overindulged and ended up hungover. He spent all Saturday just lying around the house doing nothing. The sad part was, no one could tell the difference.

(Linda Perret)

More Ketchup

A woman assaulted a McDonald’s manager because she wasn’t given enough ketchup with her order. It’s strange, but ketchup is generally the last thing I want more of when I order at McDonald’s.

(Gene Perret)

Apparently, it’s the nation’s first incident of “condiment rage.”

(Gene Perret)

I can understand why she needed more ketchup. They serve it in small, plastic packages, and as soon as you open them, the ketchup squirts all over your clothes.

(Gene Perret)

The woman said she was angry enough to choke a whale…so they gave her a plastic straw.

(Gene Perret)

Amazon in New York

Amazon is building a headquarters in New York because if they can make it there, they can make it anywhere.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A woman in Utah gave birth while waiting at a red light. I’m going to say the traffic signals are too long, but she wasn’t even pregnant when she stopped.

(Doug Johnson)

…People will do anything to drive in the carpool lane.

(Doug Johnson)

A Japanese man married Hatsune Miku, a computer hologram. I sent a lovely wedding gift—towels monogrammed “His” and “Its.”

(Linda Perret)

They had their first spat and Hatsune went home to Microsoft.

(Linda Perret)

This is perfect. If things don’t work out, he doesn’t have to get a divorce, he just has to hit control+alt+delete.

(Linda Perret)

Researchers in England have been able to create an image of the “world’s sexiest man” using a computer graphics software. Actually, it was easy…they just took a picture of a random guy and then Photoshopped him holding the winning $1.6 billion lottery ticket.

(Bill Mihalic)

A Pakistani man set a world’s record by cracking 243 walnuts in one minute with his head. Too bad he’s not a U.S. citizen…with a head that thick he’d have a great future in Congress.

(Louis Ferrante)

Wine...

Some wine traditions are a bit pretentious. Why does it have to be served by a sommelier? Why not just call him “the wine guy?”

And why does he have to laugh so hard when I ask him if it comes in any other colors.

White wine is chilled while red wine is served at room temperature. What happens if you’re in a chilly room?

Have you noticed that the more expensive the wine is, the harder the connoisseurs have to pretend they know something about it?

I personally have a dislike for any liquid refreshment that involves bare feet in the making of it.

Some people act very haughty when they sniff the wine before tasting it. Big deal. My dog does that with his kibble.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Thanksgiving Meal...

You know you ate too much at Thanksgiving Dinner when…

…Towards the end of the meal, the turkey starts waving a white flag.

…The only items of clothing that still fit when you’re done are your slippers.

…During the meal, you begin to feel like a nap…so you take it in the mashed potatoes.

…You offer to help with the dishes, but the hostess tells you you’ve already eaten them.

…You burp mid-meal and the neighbors three houses away knock at the door to see if everything is okay.

…They also ask if you’ll pay for the repairs to their roof tiles.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Pringles is selling Thanksgiving flavored chips. There’s a turkey flavor, a stuffing flavor and a pumpkin pie chip. They’re very authentic. They even have a cranberry flavor. You put the can on the table and no one eats it.

(Louis Ferrante)

Toys at Christmas...

I’ve always loved playing with toys. At Christmastime, I never gave a darn what my kids wanted.

(Gene Perret)

My kids knew. They could ask Santa until they were blue in the face, on Christmas morning, he always brought the toys that Dad liked.

(Gene Perret)

In fact, I would write their letters to Santa…and, if necessary, forge them.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Some people say, “With age comes wisdom.” No…with age comes rheumatism.

(Gene Perret)

Someday I’d like to own the entire world…but the gardening bills would be prohibitive.

(Gene Perret)

I’m very conflicted right now. I bought a one-story house and then purchased a Stairmaster.

(Gene Perret)

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