Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Fall

In Spring a young man’s fancy turns to love. But in Fall, an old man’s fancy turns to thinking up excuses to not rake the leaves.

(Louis Ferrante)

In the news

Tourist Around the Moon

SpaceX announced the name of the first tourist that will travel on a 5-day journey around the moon.  The Japanese entrepreneur will have five years to prepare and to find six other people who he won’t mind being locked in a spaceship with for five days.

(Linda Perret)

The tourists will fly around the moon but not actually land on the moon. That’s like going all the way to Disneyland and just peeking in the gates.

(Linda Perret)

They haven’t built the rocket the tourists will travel in yet. They wanted to build the important things first…like the gift shop.

(Linda Perret)

Crows at Work

A theme park in France has trained crows to pick up litter. Apparently, that’s easier than teaching tourists to use a trash can.

(Linda Perret)

A theme park in France has trained crows to pick up litter. The hard part is getting those little orange safety vests on them first.

(Gene Perret)

It’s wonderful. The park is spotless. The windshields in the adjacent parking lot are another concern altogether.

(Gene Perret)

It’s a slippery slope, though. Birds of a feather flock together which could form a union, then they’ll demand $16 an hour with double-time on weekends.

(Gene Perret)

Animal Crackers

Nabisco finally gave in to pressure from PETA and let Animal Crackers out of their cages. This sounds like a good idea but just wait until someone gets mauled by a crazed wafer cookie in the shape of a tiger.

(Gene Perret)

It seems kind of petty. The animals aren’t real and the “bars” are made of cardboard.

(Gene Perret)

Nabisco will no longer show the animals in cages. Now children can learn to respect animals and their natural habitat, before they pull them from the box and bite their heads off.

(Bill Mihalic)

The animals shown on the box now are all walking happily side by side—or maybe they’re just all going together to hunt down the people who kept them caged for so many years.

(Gene Perret)

I think it’s great what PETA did. Tomorrow I’m going to open a whole box of animal crackers and release them into the wild.

(Gene Perret)

I was afraid of animal crackers when I was a kid. I wouldn’t even open the box unless I had a chair and whip in my hands.

(Gene Perret)

Translucent Lobster

A man caught a translucent lobster recently. He took a picture of it and threw it back. If you couldn’t see the lobster, why did he take a picture of it?

(Gene Perret)

The lobster didn’t start out that way. The first time he saw a pot of boiling water all the color drained out of him.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A thief was arrested for stealing a shark from an aquarium in San Antonio. The police were immediately on the lookout for a man in a grey tee shirt and blue trousers who answered to the name, “Lefty.”

(Gene Perret)

He snuck the shark out in a baby carriage. That’s one baby you don’t want to try to steal candy from.

(Gene Perret)

A thief stole $160 from a woman who left her wallet at Walmart then returned the money to the police. That’s amazing…someone who has $160 is shopping at Walmart.

(Louis Ferrante)

A study revealed 15% of people have used their smart phones during sex. That sounds fun—participating in one activity that confuses me with another activity that confuses me.

(Doug Johnson)

…The most embarrassing part would be when our 5-year old has to show me how to use the phone.

(Doug Johnson)

Housecleaning...

I don’t clean the house until I can no longer tell what color the rugs are.

I have a very clinical approach to housecleaning. I don’t do it until the plague becomes a viable threat.

I find if you just allow the dirt to build up under the bed, pretty soon you don’t have an under the bed.

I very rarely dust. I just wait for a strong windstorm and then open the front and back doors.

I may have to redecorate the kitchen. I’m looking around for a color that goes well with moss.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Strict Diet…

My doctor has me on a very strict diet now. If anything even looks like it might be delicious, I have to pass.

I’m on a diet now of only those foods that the FDA says are not good for you.

Now as soon as they announce on television that a certain food has been declared unfit for human consumption, I have to have three servings a day.

My doctor has ruled out flour, sugar, salt, and alcohol. Which leaves mah-jongg tiles and cellophane.

When I go to a restaurant nowadays, I say “What do you have in the way of non-food?”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics...

California Congressman Duncan Hunter was accused of misusing campaign funds. He is claiming that he let his wife handle all the finances. People found his story hard to believe until he explained that in return she lets him have the TV remote.

(Bill Mihalic)

Ben and Jerry’s is coming out with special ice cream for the election. I don’t think it’s a good idea to mix ice cream with politics. I don’t like my rocky road to have the lingering taste of horse manure.

(Linda Perret)

Fall...

You can tell it’s Autumn. The leaves are falling faster than our local politician’s approval ratings.

(Linda Perret)

In Fall, the leaves turn more colors than my face when I try to open that jar of pickles that’s been in the kitchen cabinet for five years.

(Louis Ferrante)

The first day of Fall has arrived and that means only one thing. No more holding in my stomach at the beach…until next year.

(Louis Ferrante)

Old Jalopy...

My old car is really a junker. I can still get around with it, but only if where I’m going is downhill from where I am.

I said to the car dealer, “What will you give me for my old car?” He said, “Sympathy.”

The new cars drive themselves. My old car has trouble just sitting up on cinder blocks by itself.

They have cars that can think now. My old jalopy thinks. Every once in a while it thinks it can run.

My old car still runs but it doesn’t have a windshield. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when I’m driving it.

I was driving “Old Betsy” last week when a cop pulled me over and left me there.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Justin Beiber is marrying (or is married, depending on who’s reporting) Alec Baldwin’s niece. Alec Baldwin said, “He’s not losing a niece he’s gaining more paparazzi.”

(Linda Perret)

This was a big week for Sesame Street.  Bert and Ernie came out of the closet and then quickly went right back in.

(Linda Perret)

Tom Arnold filed a police report regarding an altercation with Mark Burnett and his wife, Roma Downey. Tom claims he was more than “touched by an angel.”

(Linda Perret)

Tom Arnold accused Mark Burnett of attacking him.  There goes Mr. Burnett’s hopes of serving on the Supreme Court.

(Linda Perret)

A celebrity, apparently, is someone that everyone has heard of….except me.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I was a very innovative preschooler. I always thought outside of the sandbox.

(Louis Ferrante)

In mime school is “show and tell” just “show?”

(Louis Ferrante)

The truth will set you free…if you have a lawyer who knows how to manipulate it.

(Gene Perret)

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