Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

President Trump's First Year

Did President Trump have a good first year as President or a bad first year as President?  According to the various TV pundits, the answer is a definite “yes.”

 (Gene Perret)

In the news

Government Shutdown

Our Government has shut down.  Isn’t it ironic that the people who are deciding which people won’t be getting paid, will continue to get paid?

(Linda Perret)

The Government has shut down. That means if you call the IRS, no one will answer…only now that worker isn’t getting paid.

(Linda Perret)

There’s a lot of finger pointing going on in Washington.  The left is blaming the right, and the right is blaming the left.  And when it’s over, both sides are going to claim they were right.

(Linda Perret)

Cold Weather

It’s so cold that I’m eating my wife’s cooking just for the warm feeling from the heartburn.

(Louis Ferrante)

It was so cold the other day the fire department had to be called because an exotic dancer got stuck to her pole.

(Louis Ferrante)

New Tax Bill

The Government has passed a tax cut bill. That’s good news. It means the average American now has more money available to pay for fees, licenses, and penalties.

(Gene Perret)

People who work for the government get the biggest tax breaks. I have news for you – anyone who pays taxes works for the government.

(Gene Perret)

One side of the aisle loves this new tax law, the other side of the aisle hates it. The smart people should live in the aisle.

(Gene Perret)

McDonald’s

McDonald’s announced that by 2025 it will use renewable, recyclable or certified material in all of its packaging. To reduce the environmental impact even further, people ordering fries will be asked to hold out their hands.

(Bill Mihalic)

McDonald’s also announced it will re-introduce the “Archburger,” an upscale hamburger made from fresh beef.  It’s so exclusive McDonald’s will provide valet service for the drive through.

(Bill Mihalic)

Public Speaking...

I don’t know why people have such a fear of public speaking. Once you clear your throat and check that your fly is zipped, the worst is over.

Sometimes the best way to shut people up is to invite them to stand up and say a few words.

For some speakers, a sure-fire way to get applause is to use the words, “…and in conclusion.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A couple in Arkansas named their baby “Olivia Garten” in honor of the restaurant Olive Garden. She was welcomed home by her brother, “Chip Otlee.”

(Doug Johnson)

A Chinese Noodle Company made it into the Guinness Book of World Records by making a noodle that was two miles long.  I’m not eating something that will give me carpel tunnel by wrapping it around my fork.

(Louis Ferrante)

A Museum of Failure will begin its tour of the U.S. in L.A. and visit various cities. They’re skipping Washington D.C. It already has a museum of failure, Congress.

(Louis Ferrante)

The museum was started by a Swedish man specializing in workplace innovation. For those who’ve ever tried to assemble an IKEA product, if there’s one thing the Swedes know it’s how to manufacture failure.

(Louis Ferrante)

The Coast Guard discovered a turtle swimming around with $53 million of cocaine tied to its back. He claimed he was only holding it for a friend.

(Gene Perret)

He used to swim around with marijuana, but found out for a sea turtle, it was too hard to light.

(Gene Perret)

Getting Older…

You know you’re getting old when…

….You see Larry King on TV and find yourself thinking, “He doesn’t look that bad.” (Louis Ferrante)

….You hesitate on voting for Diane Feinstein because you like to see someone with a little more life experience. (Linda Perret)

….You find yourself looking at Yelp reviews for prune juice. (Louis Ferrante)

….You and your husband’s “date night” is now “date afternoon.” (Louis Ferrante)

….Your necessities of life are food, clothing, shelter, and a nap. (Gene Perret)

….You don’t sit in the most comfortable chair because it looks like it will be too hard to get out of. (Gene Perret)

(Series by Gene Perret)

Around the Office…

At the job interview, the hiring manager asked if I’ve ever been terminated from a job. I said, “Why do you think I’m here?”  I didn’t get the job.

(Kyle Parris)

A man told an employment counselor: “I’d like to be a conductor. I love telling people where to get off.

(Coke Ellington)

My boss warned me that I had to be more productive at the office. It bothered me so much that I tossed and turned for the rest of the day.

(Gene Perret)

Diet...

You know it’s time to diet when…

…. Your step-on scale runs into the house next door and asks for asylum

…. The only thing your talking scale will say anymore is “Uncle.”

…. You would like to stop eating between meals, but realize that you no longer have between meals.

…. Your doctor tells you to strip to the waist and you have to ask, “Which one?”

…. Your favorite recipe for a night time snack begins with “Take the contents from one refrigerator…”

…. You can’t find your copy of The Atkins Diet and fear you may have eaten it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Kim Kardashian named her new daughter, Chicago West. She joins her sister, North West.  Just a helpful hint, when deciding on what to name your kid, never consult your GPS.

(Linda Perret)

It’s award season where Hollywood honors the best of the best.  Only this year they may have to settle for honoring whatever’s left.

(Linda Perret)

Egotist...

An egotist is someone who not only promises himself the world with a white picket fence around it, but also thinks he deserves it.

I have a friend who thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Only sliced bread has a better personality.

I have an acquaintance who is a giant egotist. He tried humility once, but it made him nauseous.

I have an acquaintance who is a giant egotist. Even when he dines alone he insists on sitting at the head of the table.

This man has a high opinion of himself. He formed his own fan club but only if he could be president.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Do you suppose cavemen asked, “What came first, the pterodactyl or the egg?”

(Coke Ellington)

I’m getting good at parallel parking. The last time I tried it, I was perfectly parallel to the car beneath me.

(Gene Perret)

2018 has been an excellent year for me. I managed to break all my New Year’s Resolutions while I still had my party hat on.

(Gene Perret)

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