Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Gas Prices

Some parts of the country are having to wait in long lines for gas. It’s reminiscent of the 1970’s. Those weren’t the good old days that I wanted to remember.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

High Gas Prices

I drove cross country last weekend. Unfortunately, gas prices are so high I couldn’t bring my car with me.

(Gene Perret)

Gas prices are so high now, it’s cheaper to ship the car than to drive it.

(Gene Perret)

I’ve come up with a great business, I invented a gas pump that runs from Boise, Idaho to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

(Gene Perret)

It’s great for people who live out west, but want to go to the Packer’s games.

(Gene Perret)

I bought a cheap electric car. It runs on static.

(Gene Perret)

You can slide across the rug and get as far as the local grocery store.

(Gene Perret)

Penn State Gender Non-Specific

Penn State University has announced it is eliminating gender specific terms. The “Dean of Them” made that announcement.

A lot of people don’t agree with what “it” said.

They also want to eliminate the terms, “Junior” and “Senior.” And of course, they want to get rid of the term “Old Fogie Professor.”

They spent a lot of time thinking up these alternate terms. It kept them from wasting their time teaching the students.

They’re not going to have a King and Queen of the Prom. They’re just going to settle for two “it’s.”

Nothing at Penn State will be gender specific. Even on visitor’s day, Mom and Dad will be known as “it” and “the other it.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

420 Million Year Old Fish

A fish dating back 420 million years was caught off the coast of Madagascar. It doesn’t sell well. A fish that has been around for 420 million years can hardly be considered “fresh fish.”

It’s called a “coelacanth.” The fisherman who caught it, threw it back. He said it was easier to do that than to tell people what he caught.

No one knows what it tastes like. They can’t find anyone with courage enough to bite into a 420 million year-old fish.

It has four legs. I suppose you get a little tired swimming after 420 million years.

It’s the only fish where you can serve it and people will say “I’d like a drumstick.”

It’s the only fish when you try to catch it, it runs away.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Old Golfer

Phil Mickelson is the oldest golfer to win a major tournament at the age of 51. What a wonderful world when “51” is considered old.

(Gene Perret)

He’s an inspiration to all older golfers. At my country club, for example, all the bartenders are trained health professionals.

(Gene Perret)

Before you can have a drink there, you have to do 10 minutes on the treadmill.

(Gene Perret)

Despite Mickelson’s age, PGA rules still demand that he carry 14 clubs in his bag. In his case, though, one is a cane and the other a walker.

(Gene Perret)

Mickelson was surrounded by thousands of fans on the 18th fairway. It took that many to help him get to the green.

(Gene Perret)

The older guys in our country club were rooting for him. There was quite a buzz toward the end of the match. It was the sound of their pacemakers humming.

(Gene Perret)

As soon as the tournament was over, Phil Mickelson said, “I just won the PGA Championship and now I’m going to Leisure World.”

(Linda Perret)

Prince Harry & Free Speech

Prince Harry doesn’t like our Constitution. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin all tried their best, But Harry thinks he and Megan can do a better job.

(Gene Perret)

Imagine criticizing our First Amendment. If Prince Harry were king, he’d have to behead himself.

(Gene Perret)

…Which is much nicer than what Piers Morgan has suggested he do to himself.

(Linda Perret)

Prince Harry doesn’t believe in Freedom of Speech. His wife won’t let him.

(Gene Perret)

He calls our Freedom of Speech bonkers. What else can you expect from a kid who names a prince, “Archie.”

(Gene Perret)

No, Meghan believes in free speech. She tells Harry he’s free to say anything she tells him to say.

(Gene Perret)

Prince Harry doesn’t like Free Speech in America. Heck, he doesn’t even care for it in his own marriage.

(Gene Perret)

Boy, for someone who doesn’t believe in free speech, he’s certainly doing a lot of it.

(Linda Perret)

Woman Washes $26M Lottery Ticket

A woman lost a $26M lottery ticket in the wash. That’s getting cleaned out the hard way

She was rich for a little while and then she wasn’t. That’s like Bill Gates’ kid being told that he’s now out of the will.

She washed the ticket by accident. That makes sense, though. No one washes away $26 M on purpose.

The store where she bought it wanted to make the ticket good, but the State wouldn’t allow it. They said it had too much starch.

Look on the bright side, though. Her husband now has a clean $26M shirt.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A border collie inherited her owner’s $5M dollar estate. Man’s best friend? With that kind of money, this dog is going to be everybody’s best friend.

(Louis Ferrante)

They say the woman really loved the dog. I really love pizza, but I still only give the delivery guy a 15% tip.

(Louis Ferrante)

A 92-year old man became the world’s oldest water skier. He also enjoys white water canoeing and scuba diving. This guy is like Evel Knievel with a Rascal.

(Louis Ferrante)

He doesn’t use a chair lift to get upstairs, he uses a pole vault.

(Louis Ferrante)

Fashion...

The internet was touting a new bra made from bamboo. I think that’s dangerous. You could be walking down the street one day and get molested by a Panda.

I don’t know what inspired this except that bamboo can survive over 120 years in the wild. You can’t say that about many bras.

Bamboo is actually a species of grass, so these bras are not recommended for those who work around goats.

Bamboo can grow up to three feet in 24 hours. So a woman could go from Plain Jane to a Super Model in a single day.

Bamboo was actually the first firecrackers because they often explode when on fire. Which can be a real surprise on a first date.

Bamboo is actually stronger than steel. And you can imagine how uncomfortable a steel bra would be.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Nestle's Vegan KitKat Bar...

Nestle’s has come out with a vegan KitKat bar. It’s for people who don’t particularly care for meat candy bars.

It makes sense. I personally dislike biting into a bleeding chocolate bar.

It contains absolutely no animal products – except for a few pesky critters who got caught in the candy-making apparatus.

It does make one concession to animal products, though. It tastes like leather.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Medical Breakthroughs…

A surgeon in Italy claims that a full-body transplant is only a year away. I remember when they said the same thing about doing away with masks.

It may just be me, but if you’re that sick from the neck down, maybe it’s time to give someone else a chance.

The surgery costs an arm and a leg . . . so much for full body transplants.

After the surgery, the doctor asked, “How do you feel?” The patient said, “I’ve got a headache.”

My wife suggested I go the other way. . . take an old body and put a better-looking head on it.

The trouble was, they couldn’t find a better looking head.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Help in the Kitchen...

My wife was preparing dinner and I casually asked, “Can I do anything to help?” By the time she stopped laughing . . .

I often say I’m not very good in the kitchen. My wife says, “Why limit yourself. You’re not very good in any room.”

I have one recipe that I can make as good as anyone – peanut butter crackers.

…Once my wife tells me where the peanut butter is.

…And then point me in the direction of the crackers.

I don’t like to hang around uncooked food. I would have made a terrible cannibal.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

You know you’re old when someone asks you to streak on Snapchat and you get naked.

(Keri Kelly)

The CDC announced they had some good news–with the vaccination we’ll soon be able to see our relatives again. I’m still waiting for the good news.

(Louis Ferrante)

Just think when everyone is vaccinated, we’ll be able to go back to normal—thinking up different excuses why we can’t visit our in-laws.

(Louis Ferrante)

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