Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Academy Awards

Big mix-up at the Academy Awards this year.  It’s nice to know that we all make mistakes.  Even nicer to know that when we do, it’s not in front of 34 million people.

 (Linda Perret)

In the news

Academy Awards

There was turmoil at this year’s Academy Awards.  They had 24 categories and 25 winners.

(Linda Perret)

One good thing about the mix-up at the Oscars.  For a few days it gave people on social media something to talk about other than politics.

(Linda Perret)

This is the first Oscar telecast to feature a mulligan.

(Linda Perret)

Space-X Travel

Next year, Space-X plans on sending two tourists around the moon…and most likely their luggage to Jupiter.

(Linda Perret)

Space-X said this is just the beginning, they plan on sending more people into space.  I have the names of a few people I would like to put up for consideration.

 (Louis Ferrante)

Working with Millennials

We have a lot Millennials working at my office. It’s had an impact.  Take Casual Fridays, now we can wear all of our piercings.

(Louis Ferrante)

To make them feel comfortable, my manager encouraged us to decorate our cubicles to make it feel more like home. The kid next to me made his look like his parent’s basement.

(Louis Ferrante)

Meditating Mice

Some professors at the University of Oregon are doing a study to see if mice can meditate.  Perhaps someone at the University of Oregon should meditate on how much this is going to cost.

(Gene Perret)

Imagine meditating mice. Now instead of listening for the sound of tiny feet scurrying over the kitchen floor, you should listen for the sound of “ooommm” coming from the pantry.

(Gene Perret)

So far the professors haven’t been able to force the mice to meditate, but they did convince many of them to wear tie-dyed tee shirts.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A man set up his refrigerator’s ice maker to dispense pizza rolls.  Finally someone is putting technology to good use.

(Louis Ferrante)

…But I prefer my ice without anchovies.

(Louis Ferrante)

Studies show that crying over TV is good for you.  This refers to television shows, not your cable bill.

(Linda Perret)

Coach potatoes are jumping for joy.  Well, they would be if it didn’t involve actually getting up off the couch.

(Linda Perret)

While arguing about consummating their marriage, a 76-year old man shot his bride in the rear-end.  It’s the first time Viagra has lasted longer than the marriage.

(Bill Mihalic)

The latest internet fad is people using food to spell out messages.  That would never work for me.  I’m a fussy eater and a bad speller.

(Louis Ferrante)

I can never remember.  I think it’s spaghetti before linguini except after “c.”

(Louis Ferrante)

On the Calendar…

March 5th is Multiple Personality Day. I want to celebrate, at least one side of me does.

(Louis Ferrante)

March 8th is National Proofreader’s Day.  And for everyone who celebrates, I just want to say, ‘hAppie Profeaters’ Ady!”

(Linda Perret)

March 11th is Worship of Tools Day. I’ve never been good with tools. The only screwdriver that feels really comfortable in my hand comes in a glass with vodka and orange juice.

(Louis Ferrante)

Doctors...

No matter what ailment I complain of, my family doctor always sends me to another doctor who specializes in that ailment.

When you graduate from medical school today, they don’t give you a diploma, they give you an address book filled with the names of other doctors.

Someday I’d like to come up with an ailment that my family doctor can cure all by himself.

I reached a milestone in my life today – I now have more doctors than I have body parts.

When I go to the pharmacy, I say, “I’ll take whatever you have on sale.”

All medications have side effects. If you don’t believe me, listen closely to the next pill commercial you see on TV.

One medication listed so many side effects that I’ve decided I’m not healthy enough to take that pill.

They advertise one pill that is wonderful, but you have to take 14 other pills to cure all the side effects.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Travel…

I used to enjoy flying. And I still would if I could figure out a way of doing it without going through airports.

I love when the stewardess says, “We enjoyed having you travel with us today.” If they meant that, then why did they make me take off my shoes, open my purse, and force me to go through a machine that could see through my clothing before they let me get on their plane?

I’m not a good traveler. When I fall asleep on an airplane, I dream that I’m home watching television.

Cruising is fun. On a cruise you meet a lot of people that you otherwise wouldn’t want to meet.

Many people enjoy traveling to foreign countries and complaining that they don’t do things there the way we do them in America.

(Series by Gene Perret)

That's Entertainment…

Playboy Magazine just announced it will resume featuring nude photos.  The bad news, the April centerfold is going to be Hugh Hefner.

(Bill Mihalic)

Priscilla Presley has confirmed that she has custody of her two grandchildren while her daughter, Lisa Marie, goes through a difficult divorce.  Apparently, Heartbreak Hotel doesn’t allow kids.

(Bill Mihalic)

Kim Kardashian has announced that she’s starting a book club.  Members don’t have to actually read the books, they just  need to be holding it when they take a selfie.

(Bill Mihalic)

True Love…

For his 20th anniversary, a man gave his wife his kidney.  Sounds like someone forgot and needed a last minute gift.

(Louis Ferrante)

…The hardest part was figuring out how to wrap it.

(Gene Perret)

…The sad part was she tried to return it for a toaster.

(Linda Perret)

Who knew the 20th was the Organ Anniversary?

(Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

I picked up a book on “How To Improve Your Memory.”  I read the entire thing and I still can’t find my car keys.

(Gene Perret)

When people say “Can I ask you a question?” didn’t they just do it without asking?

(Gene Perret)

The person I really feel sorry for is the guy who won the Shuffleboard Tournament on the Titanic.

(Gene Perret)

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