Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Jury Duty

The judge earns a nice salary. The lawyers make a pretty penny for court time. So how come it’s my duty to serve for 26 cents an hour?

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Donald Trump Re-Election Campaign

Donald Trump has launched his re-election campaign. Let’s face it, of all the things President Trump could launch, a campaign isn’t so bad.

(Linda Perret)

Trump’s trip to England helped him make the decision to run again for President. While he was there, he found out he couldn’t be king.

(Linda Perret)

President Trump turned to Hollywood for his re-election slogan. It’s Make America Great Again – The Sequel.

(Linda Perret)

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. You can visit it now, but you need a reservation. So apparently the future is just as crowded as today.

(Linda Perret)

In honor of the Star Wars opening, Mickey kept walking up to Donald Duck and saying, “Donald, I am not your father.”

(Linda Perret)

The Star Wars section of Disneyland is going to have roller coasters, restaurants and a whole bunch of sci-fi geeks.

(Linda Perret)

Only in California

California wants to make it illegal to be sitting in a running car that is idling for more than 2 minutes. Police officers are going to get writer’s cramps filling out on those tickets on the 405 at rush hour.

(Linda Perret)

Beverly Hills has become the first US City to ban the sale of Tobacco products. The Mayor stated, “This reflects the values of our community.” Apparently, the people of Beverly Hills believe money is better spent on face lifts, tummy tucks and tanning salons.

(Bill Mihalic)

Congress Wants a Raise

Congress Members feel they deserve a raise. Apparently slinging mud is really hard.

(Linda Perret)

Even Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez wants a raise. She deserves it too. After all she’s been on the job for almost 6 months now.

(Linda Perret)

…Apparently, AOC is planning on doing a lot of shopping in the 12 years we have left on Earth.

(Linda Perret)

Finally, something that can unite the Country. Both side of Congress agree they should get a cost of living increase and the rest of the Country is in agreement that they should do something to actually earn the money they are already getting.

(Linda Perret)

Talking to Strangers

According to a new study pleasant exchange with strangers is actually good for your health…so take that, Mom.

(Linda Perret)

If talking to strangers is good for your health, kind of makes you question all the other things Mom said were bad for you.

(Linda Perret)

…Just think, all these years I could have left the house without a sweater.

(Linda Perret)

I’m not spiteful, but for the next 10 years I’m watching TV while sitting only 3 inches from the screen.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A Nebraska Company is offering “Fake Vacation Packages.” If you don’t have the money to travel, they will Photoshop your picture into different locations so you can post the pics on social media.  The fake vacation starts at $19.99…$23.99 if you want to Photoshop more than two pieces of luggage.

(Louis Ferrante)

This is great, you get lovely pictures and you don’t have to buy travel insurance.

(Linda Perret)

According to an environmental advocacy group, traces of weed killer have been found in many brands of cereal. Well, that certainly explains why I’ve never seen dandelions in my Cheerios.

(Bill Mihalic)

A recent study by the British Heart Association found that people can drink as much as 25 cups of coffee a day without damaging their heart. With that much caffeine most of their injuries will come from starting fights in the lines at Starbucks.

(Bill Mihalic)

Summer...

Summer is a beautiful thing. It’s when we all put politics aside and befriend the guy with a pool.

(Evan Lowes)

I love summer and inviting lots of friends over when my husband barbecues. We need all the help we can get to put out the fire.

(Melanie White)

Miscellaneous Sports...

On Sunday, I either go to church or go fishing. Either way, I always get a good nap.

(Melanie White)

Do you ever get the feeling that football has more rules than even the officials can keep track of?

(Melanie White)

The NFL does have a strict concussion policy now. If any player is suspected of a head injury, they ask him who he is, where he is, and what day it is. Those are the same three questions he had to answer to graduate from college.

(Gene Perret)

There is nothing like cracking open a cold beer at a Major League Baseball Game…and remortgaging your house to pay for it.

(Evan Lowes)

The good thing about surfing is that even though you’re scared enough to wet your pants, nobody notices.

(Melanie White)

Sumo Wrestling is the only sport where the team bus can carry only one player at a time.

(Gene Perret)

The worse part of Sumo Wrestling is the uniform.

(Gene Perret)

Products That Didn't Quite Make It...

A newspaper printed a list of the 50 biggest product flops. Here are a few products that weren’t on the list but probably should have been:

  • The Krazy Glue Popsicle
  • Fire Cracker Toilet Paper
  • Fish and Cow Chips
  • Sponge Cake made with real sponges

(Series by Tom Padovano)

Jury Duty...

I get angry when I’m on jury duty. On my last case, I sentenced the judge to 30 to 50 days in jail.

Some people feel sorry for the plaintiff or the defendant. I don’t. At least, they have a reason to be in court.

It’s almost impossible anymore to get out of jury duty. My Uncle Mort was lucky. He did get excused—but not until he showed proof of the cause of death.

The jury system seems to be unfair to the defendant. Who wants to put their fate in the hands of 12 people who are ticked off about being there in the first place?

I get a kick out of people who throw themselves on the mercy of the court. After driving through traffic and sitting there for forever waiting to be called, I show mercy to no one.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Balloons...

As a kid I would watch the balloons float away into the sky never to be seen again. I remember sometimes wishing my younger brother was filled with helium.

I always thought it was silly to spend good money on a balloon that would just disappear into the atmosphere. Later in life, my dad felt the same about my college education.

I always cried when my balloon slipped out of my hand and floated off into the sky. I wanted to go with it.

I always thought it was silly to waste my money on something that probably wouldn’t last for more than a day or two. I thought it would be better to buy goldfish.

Balloons make a loud noise when they pop. That’s why you very rarely saw balloons at a Mafia Birthday Party.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics...

President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese products are helping U.S. garlic farmers who had difficulty competing with cheaper garlic from China. China, however, is getting even. They threatened to withhold all shipments of breath mints.

(Bill Mihalic)

Why can’t we talk politics and religion in bars? God is too intelligent to care and the politicians are too dumb to know what we’re talking about.

(Gene Perret)

When you argue politics, you’re basically saying one thing: only an idiot could possibly think I’m wrong.

(Gene Perret)

I was always taught that God knows all things. Apparently, so does every person I argue politics with.

(Gene Perret)

When he said, “I want a divorce,” she said, “Who are you?”

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Books are great. You don’t have to wait for a commercial to go to the bathroom.

(Melanie White)

Even though it’s probably wrong, I prefer my opinion to yours any day.

(Gene Perret)

Hyperbole is probably the greatest thing in the world.

(Gene Perret)

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