Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives


A sure sign it’s Halloween is when you see the Christmas displays go up.

(Louis Ferrante)

In the news

MetLife Fires Snoopy

Snoopy was unceremoniously let go by MetLife Insurance.  You’d think after 31 years of service the least they could do would be to give him a gold fire hydrant.

(Linda Perret)

Snoopy immediately expressed his feelings regarding the company’s decision but the janitor cleaned it up right away.

(Linda Perret)

Social Security Increase

Good news, Social Security recipients will be getting an increase in their monthly payments.  The bad news, it’s only .3%.

(Linda Perret)

Imagine an increase of only .3%.  That means if you are on Social Security, you can rush right out and buy absolutely nothing.

(Linda Perret)

Man on Mars

President Obama thinks we can send a man to Mars.  A planet without campaign commercials?  I’ll go.

(Linda Perret)

Scientists don’t know what they’ll find on Mars but the odds are pretty good there will be a Starbucks close by.

(Linda Perret)


I have the worst luck.  I traded in my Hoverboard for a Samsung Note 7.

(Linda Perret)


The rumor that McDonald’s want to open a restaurant next to the Vatican is true.  The rumor that Ronald McDonald is going to become a saint, isn’t.

(Linda Perret)

I don’t think it’s going to be too popular.  The toy surprise instead the Happy Meal is going to be a St. Christopher statue.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

Thieves in New York are stealing premium ice cream from large retail stores and then selling it to smaller stores for 25 cents on the dollar….30 cents, if you want sprinkles.

(Louis Ferrante)

…Everyone is going green. Even thieves are recycling.

(Linda Perret)

The newest attraction at a North Korean zoo is a smoking chimpanzee.  The zookeepers said it’s okay because she doesn’t inhale, which means she has a good shot at becoming President of the United States.

(Linda Perret)

The chimpanzee can even light her own cigarettes.  Oh sure, they can teach a female chimp to smoke but they can’t teach a male chimp how to be a gentleman.

(Linda Perret)


I read a book about how to read people’s minds.  When I met the author, she said to me, “What did you think of it?”

I read a book about using mental telepathy.  I thought to myself: why did they have to print this?

I bought a book on doing pantomime.  It had no words in it.

I asked the librarian where I could find the “self-help” section. She said, “If you want to find it, you will.”

(Series By Gene Perret)


I have an idea that can save the military a fortune in camouflage clothing…to make the soldiers invisible, just dress all of them as clerks in a department store.

I picked out some nice men’s clothing the other day. It went out of style before I could find someone to ring it up for me.

I was in one department store.  I wanted to find a tie to wear to my cousin’s wedding.  My cousin was divorced before a sales clerk helped me.

Remember the good old days when the customer was always right.  Now it seems we’re always just an annoyance.


Halloween has changed since I was a kid.  We used to throw eggs.  Today parents are so health conscious they only let their kids throw the whites.

(Louis Ferrante)

And parents coddle their kids more.  My daughter wouldn’t let my granddaughter dress up as Mr. Peanut in case one of her friends had a peanut allergy.

(Louis Ferrante)

I’m not going to any haunted houses this year.  With the Presidential Election coming up, I’m scared enough.

(Linda Perret)


A spectator having a seizure recovered when Tim Tebow placed his hands on him and prayed, causing many baseball fans to consider it a miracle.  Just a little miracle, not a big one like the Cubs making it to the Playoffs.

(Bill Mihalic)

Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that kneeling during the National Anthem is dumb and disrespectful.  She also pointed out that at 83, it’s also awkward, painful, and difficult to get back up.

(Bill Mihalic)

My fantasy football team won’t be going to the Superbowl.  In fact, they are so bad they may be banned from watching it on TV.

(Linda Perret)


We’re getting so sick of the election process, we may skip the inauguration and go right to impeachment.

They talk so much about the Presidential campaign on television that it makes you long for the good old days – before language was invented.

TV political pundits spend days telling you exactly what’s going to happen. Then when it doesn’t happen, they spend days telling you why they knew it wouldn’t happen.

Why doesn’t television realize that the only way to know what’s going to happen in an election is to wait until the election is over.

(Series by Gene Perret)

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