Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Valentine's Day

I said, “Words can’t describe my love for you.”  She said, “Cash will.”

 (Tom Padovano)

In the news

Super Bowl

It’s Super Bowl Sunday…Let the eating begin.

(Linda Perret)

If you think football is rough, think what would happen if politicians were allowed to wear face masks and helmets.

(Gene Perret)

New Inventions

Piaggo Fast Forward has invented luggage that can roll by itself.  It can go as fast as 22 mph which means sometimes your luggage will get where you’re going before you do.

(Linda Perret)

Kentucky Fried Chicken in New Zealand is offering customers a chance to win a fried chicken scented candle.  It’s a perfect complement to their mash potato scented potpourri.

 (Louis Ferrante)

A woman modified her refrigerator’s water dispenser to pour wine.  Great now I’m going to have to figure out what goes well with Chateau Maytag.

(Louis Ferrante)

It’s a great way to lose weight because after the second glass, you forget what you went to the refrigerator for.

(Louis Ferrante)

Valentine’s Day

February 14th is, of course, Valentine’s Day.  But it’s also “National Organ Donor Day.” It’s the perfect day to give your heart to someone…or any other body part you can spare.

Roses on Valentine’s Day can be marked up more than 50%.  That’s not love, it’s extortion.

For Valentine’s Day, my wife said she would just like a quiet dinner out.  So she asked me to stay home.

(Series by Louis Ferrante)

Cold Weather

Punxsutawney Phil has predicted that things are going to be gloomy and dismal for another 6 weeks.  Most of the news proponents believe it’s going to last at least 4 years.

(Linda Perret)

Playboy Club in New York

The Playboy Club in New York is re-opening after a 30-year hiatus.  The bad news is that thanks to an ironclad employment contract, all the former Bunnies get their jobs back.

(Bill Mihalic)

…They are still beautiful, it’s just now they wear their little bunny tails a lot lower.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

An abandoned boat washed up on a California shore with 2,400 pounds of marijuana…this gives a whole new meaning to the term “High Seas.”

(Louis Ferrante)

2,400 pounds of marijuana or as Willie Nelson calls it, “Friday Night.”

(Louis Ferrante)

A man from Maine won the right to have his DMV picture taken with goat horns on his head.  You could say he marches to the beat of his own drummer, but I’m going with his drum skin is stretched a little too tight.

(Louis Ferrante)

It worked out well.  The horns fit right into the holes in his head.

(Louis Ferrante)

Oh So Smart...

An intellectual is a person who understands the theory of relativity but doesn’t know how to operate the thermostat.

An intellectual is a person who can talk on any subject for hours on end before anyone else realizes he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Women are smarter than men because they have the ability to let men think they are smarter than women.

I watch Jeopardy every night. If I get one answer right, I quickly turn off the television so as not to ruin my streak.

I get 98% of the answers on Jeopardy because I study.  I tape the show, study it, and the next time I watch it, I know most of the answers.

(Series by Gene Perret)

The Great Outdoors…

I’m not a big outdoorsman. To me, the outdoors is where you enter the plush hotel from.

I might enjoy the outdoors more if they had maid service.

I don’t enjoy gardening, either. As far as I’m concerned, if you want to be a flower, you should learn to take care of yourself.

Gardening to me is just playing in the dirt with a funny hat on.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Health and Fitness...

In Russia, the Health Ministry is considering banning cigarettes entirely in that country.  According to a spokesperson, the move would result in improved health, longer lives and more money to spend on vodka.

(Bill Mihalic)

Marie Osmond is constantly on TV boasting about how much belly fat she lost. Which is wonderful.  Of course, the down side is that she’s no longer invited to play Santa Claus at the Osmond Family Christmas party.

(Gene Perret)

Politics...

A poll stated that most Americans believe President Trump should stop Tweeting.  He’s considering that and will post his decision on Facebook.

(Louis Ferrante)

A majority of Americans feel President Trump should stop tweeting, but let’s face it, a majority of Americans would be happy if everyone stopped tweeting.

(Linda Perret)

President Trump cancelled his planned tour of the Harley-Davidson factory in Milwaukee.  He wanted to connect with the workers but refused to get the mandatory tattoo.

(Bill Mihalic)

The prospect of protests outside the palace when President Trump visits Buckingham Palace has put the Queen in a very difficult position.  She’s 90 years old, at that age every position is difficult.

(Bill Mihalic)

Hillary Clinton is writing a memoir on the past election.  She’s hoping her new book will rewrite history…starting with the results of the last Presidential Election.

(Linda Perret)

Spoiler alert, it doesn’t have a happy ending.

(Linda Perret)

Our new President may have to spend 8 years in office.  It may take that long for his cabinet to be approved.

(Gene Perret)

Matthew McConaughey said it’s time to embrace Donald Trump as President.  Shoot, if I had known the office came with a hug from Matthew McConaughey, I would have ran for President.

(Linda Perret)

Parting Thoughts…

Show me a man that let’s his smile be his umbrella, and I’ll show you a man with a wet face.

(Tom Padovano)

A woman’s work is never done.  A man’s work will still be there tomorrow.

(Gene Perret)

I live in a tough neighborhood.  The Welcome Wagon is a tank.

(Tom Padovano)

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