Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Royal Baby

Queen Elizabeth now has 4 children, 8 grandchildren, and 8 great-grandchildren. The line to the British Throne is now almost as long as the line to Avengers.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Royal Baby

Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, announced the birth of their son.  And he is the perfect blend of his two parents. He was born with a biodegradable silver spoon in his mouth.

(Linda Perret)

The newest baby’s name is Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor. When he gets older, he’ll have to drive around in a stretch limousine just to have room for his driver’s license.

(Gene Perret)

It seems like every time Queen Elizabeth II turns around, she has another great-grandchild. Prince Philip has asked her to remain facing in one direction.

(Gene Perret)

They’re thinking of changing the name to Buckingham Palace and Day Care Center.

(Gene Perret)

The Royal Family is growing so quickly that next year’s “cousin’s picnic” may have to be held in a larger country.

(Gene Perret)

Ukraine Comedian Elected President

In the Ukraine, a comedian has officially been elected President. Apparently, the United States and Ukraine are different politically. In the Ukraine, you do the funny stuff before you’re elected.

(Gene Perret)

In a way, it’s reassuring to have a President who is used to handling hecklers.

(Gene Perret)

You could tell he was a comedian…he began his acceptance speech by saying, “What is this an audience or an oil painting?”

(Gene Perret)

Volodymyr Zelenskiy was very grateful to the voters. He said, “Finally, no more open mike nights.

(Gene Perret)

Avengers

The Avengers had the largest opening weekend of any movie in history. I didn’t see it. I’ve already read the comic book.

(Gene Perret)

It’s the story of the greatest American heroes who come together, fight as a team, in order to rid the world of evil-intentioned opponents. Basically, it’s the tale of Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.

(Gene Perret)

People are flocking to see this movie. Theaters are so crowded they may have to call in the Avengers just to man the popcorn machines.

(Gene Perret)

More on the Royals

It’s rumored that there’s trouble brewing in the Royal Family. They may officially change the name from the House of Windsor to the House of the Hatfields and the House of the McCoys.

(Gene Perret)

It’s dangerous having a family feud in a family where they all have the power to behead.

(Gene Perret)

The feud is getting so bad that they’ve scheduled a Grand Reopening of the Tower of London.

(Gene Perret)

It’s reported that Prince William and Prince Harry had words. We won’t know what those words were until they’re officially translated from English to English.

(Gene Perret)

It’s driving them all to distraction. Except, of course, for Prince Philip. He’s not allowed to drive anywhere anymore.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A book was returned to a Vancouver Library that was 42 years overdue. The late fees would have been $3,422 or a millennial’s yearly avocado budget.

(Louis Ferrante)

Everyone was thrilled to get the book back. Especially the person who was next on the waiting list to check it out.

(Linda Perret)

A whiskey distillery in Florida converted a cement mixer to a large cocktail shaker. The mixer truck can hold 2,400 gallons of alcohol. It’s like a college spring break on wheels.

(Louis Ferrante)

Spring...

Spring is that time of year when you decide you might as well leave your Christmas lights up for just a few more months.

(Melanie White)

I did a little ‘Spring Cleaning’ and started throwing away all the useless stuff around the house. Boy, was my husband nervous.

(Linda Perret)

Spring is the time of year when we sow…and the IRS reaps.

(Melanie White)

Do you think the birds and the bees ever explain sex to their offspring by talking about men and women?

(Melanie White)

I started gardening when I was young. I thought it might help me find out what the birds and bees were up to.

(Melanie White)

The Other Birds and Bees...

Times have really changed. Getting lucky on prom night used to mean you won the raffle.

(Melanie White)

My girl split up with me. She said, “I’m not physically attracted to you anymore.” I said, “Don’t worry about that. Nobody is.”

(Gene Perret)

My girl went back with a guy she used to date years ago. She told me, “Look on the bright side. He used to be my ex-boyfriend. Now you can be my ex-boyfriend.”

(Gene Perret)

Politics...

Democratic Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren is proposing a plan that would eliminate student debt for people with a low or medium household income. And wealthy families would be fully reimbursed for bribe money paid as part of an admissions scam.

(Bill Mihalic)

It used to be a sin to tell a lie; now it’s a political expediency.

(Gene Perret)

There are two sides to every argument and today’s politicians don’t know which side they’re on until the other party declares first.

(Gene Perret)

There’s a lot of talk about building a border wall. What politicians really needs is a wall between the aisles in Congress.

(Gene Perret)

Household Chores...

My mom says that cleanliness is next to Godliness, so I make sure to dust my Bible every day.

(Melanie White)

I’m not a neat freak, but I’m trying to improve. I didn’t buy “Mr. Clean.” I bought “Mr. Less Dirty.”

(Tom Padovano)

Just like Cinderella, I’ve cooked and cleaned all my life, but Prince Charming never came to rescue me. All I got was leftovers and dishpan hands.

(Melanie White)

My mother vacuumed so much that our rugs were two feet off the floor.

(Gene Perret)

Mom hated dog hair so much that she would vacuum it fiercely…while it was still on the dog.

(Gene Perret)

…We had the only collie in the neighborhood that was totally bald.

(Gene Perret)

I’m not neat. When I get changed, I drop clothes everywhere. It gave my wife quite a scare once. She came into the bedroom and thought I exploded.

(Gene Perret)

I wish I knew how a self-cleaning oven worked. I would install one in my son’s room.

(Gene Perret)

Getting Old...

You know you’re old if you start a sentence with, “When I was young, I remember” and then forget what it was you remembered.

(Louis Ferrante)

You know you’re old when one of your kids asks you for advice on hearing aids.

(Louis Ferrante)

Actually, I’m really young…that is if you only count those years that I remember.

(Gene Perret)

My doctor assures me it’s not unusual for older citizens to forget names. But even my own?

(Gene Perret)

As I grow older I’m beginning to realize that there are certain things I can no longer do. However, many of them I should never have done in the first place.

(Gene Perret)

Reading is my favorite activity. After a certain age, reading becomes one’s only activity.

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

The woman who was married to Nicolas Cage for four days is now suing for spousal support. That marriage was so fast that all the wedding pictures are blurred.

(Gene Perret)

In a marriage of four days, you hardly get to know one another. On their honeymoon night, they wore nametags.

(Gene Perret)

Reconciliation was impossible. They were only married for four days. It takes at least two weeks to get an appointment with a marriage counselor.

(Gene Perret)

That marriage was so fast, by the time he said “I do,” he didn’t.

(Gene Perret)

When he said, “I want a divorce,” she said, “Who are you?”

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I was an obnoxious kid. None of the other kids liked me. When I played Hide and Go Seek, it was usually to save my life.

(Gene Perret)

Money can’t buy happiness, but it does make being miserable a lot easier to take.

(Gene Perret)

June 14th is Flag Day. I don’t see how our flag can stand for freedom when it’s tied to a pole.

(Melanie White)

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