Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

COVID-19

I woke up this morning and didn’t know what day it was or what I was suppose to boycott.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Pandemic

Social distancing is easy. Just pretend that everyone you meet has been sprayed by a skunk.

I feel relaxed with social distancing. Everyone has to stay at least 6 feet away and I can’t hear anything beyond 5 feet.

They call it social distancing when people have to stay 6 feet away from each other. Shouldn’t it be called ‘anti-social distancing’?

I have trouble with the masks. I grew up in a tough neighborhood. Whenever I see a person wearing a mask, I throw them my wallet and put my hands up.

There are advantages to wearing a mask. Many friends have told me it improves my looks.

. . . I also don’t have to trim my beard as often.

I like the idea of everyone wearing masks. Some of my friends have faces I’d rather not look at.

(Series by Gene Perret)

College Football

There may not be a college football season this year. That’s a pity. What are all those poor college athletes going to do for money now?

If there are no football games on TV, what am I going to nap to?

There may be no college football season this year. Oh no!  Not another two or three months of watching beanbag corn hole tossing.

I don’t really watch the games; I just use them as an excuse to get out of helping my wife with the housework.

With no games on, there will be no betting. My bookie may have to enter a monastery.

My buddy would get a few bottles of beer, stretch out on his easy chair, and fool his wife by watching reruns of games played years ago. He watched Notre Dame beat Yale and earn Knute Rockne the title of Coach of the Year.

(Series by Gene Perret)

School Reopening

My son is eager for school to re-open. We think the teacher owes him money.

I wish the politicians would make up their minds about opening the schools. I have to decide whether to buy my daughter a new pencil or not.

Virtual schooling is not bad. It prepares the kids to go out and make a virtual living.

First they’re going to open the schools and then they’re not. Mothers across the nation are confused. Should they open a nice bottle of wine or a new bottle of aspirin?

The bureaucrats have only three responses:

a) you’re going to school

b) you’re not going to school

c) You’re either going to school or you’re not.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Coin Shortage

Apparently there now is a coin shortage. I’m cleaning up. I just keep telling people “a penny for your thoughts” and then I keep the change.

(Linda Perret)

This will have a sobering effect…especially on fraternities. Do you know how hard it is to flip a debit card into a red Solo Cup?

(Linda Perret)

Some people are saying the shortage is due to the Corona Virus. Apparently, germs fester on a penny but just slide right off a 20 dollar bill

(Linda Perret)

Sports

Because of this pandemic, Americans are starving for sports on TV. The SuperBowl this year may be replaced by the Calaveras Frog Jumping Contest.

. . . the half time entertainment may feature the world-renowned “Dancing Lizards of Pango-Pango.”

. . . in their tribute to Guy Lombardo.

(Gene Perret)

They may bring back wrestling. But a wrestling match can be terribly dull when the opponents have to remain at least 6 feet apart.

(Gene Perret)

Baseball has started their season but they’re already having COVID-19 problems. They’re thinking of playing all future games in a hospital parking lot.

(Gene Perret)

The players don’t like it, either. They have to wait until the game is over to go out and spit.

(Gene Perret)

They celebrate by pretending to give each other a high five, but they don’t touch. So it’s really a high nothing.

(Gene Perret)

Baseball has opted to go with an abbreviated season. They may have opening day, the All-Star game, and the World series all on the same day.

(Gene Perret)

I dislike watching baseball with no people in the stands. It reminds me too much of some audiences I’ve had.

(Gene Perret)

If nothing else, though, it did put an end to that annoying “wave.”

(Gene Perret)

Sports teams need to have cheering fans in the seats, although, The Miami Dolphins seemed to get along last year without them.

(Gene Perret)

This is the height of optimism. They have no fans in the stadium, but one hot-dog vendor showed up for work.

(Gene Perret)

He would’ve sold himself a hot-dog, but he couldn’t make change.

(Gene Perret)

The Washington Redskins are changing their name to “The Washington Football team.” That’s kind of like Tiger Woods having his name legally changed to “Golfer.”

(Gene Perret)

They’re also about to reveal their new uniforms. Supposedly they look like business suits.

(Gene Perret)

If their former name was a slur on native Americans, are the Dallas Cowboys an insult to Gene Autry, Roy Rogers, and Gabby Hayes?

(Gene Perret)

The Miami baseball team showed up on opening day and there were 140 Dolphins protesting in front of the players entrance.

(Gene Perret)

The Texas Rangers tested the 300 toilets in their new stadium by flushing them all at once. It was a success, but it did leave a ring around the stadium.

(Louis Ferrante)

The new stadium has 300 toilets, but there will still be a line outside the ladies room.

(Louis Ferrante)

Odd But True…

A patient undergoing brain surgery was asked to play her violin during the procedure. I’ve heard of singing for your supper, but this is a little ridiculous.

(Louis Ferrante)

The surgery ran longer than expected. There were no complications. The surgery team just kept making requests.

(Louis Ferrante)

An Iowa tanning salon broke a Guinness Record by spray tanning 113 people in one hour. I haven’t seen that many tan people since my company had a George Hamilton look-a-like contest.

(Louis Ferrante)

I don’t believe in spray on tans. A person should get a tan the old-fashioned way—using a sick day and going to the beach.

(Louis Ferrante)

Two 11-year old girls developed a friendship when one girl found a bottle with a note in it that the other girl had thrown into the ocean. The bottle traveled from Florida to North Carolina. With COVID-19, that bottle is having a better vacation than I will.

(Louis Ferrante)

The girls are sharing a friendship and also the fine for littering.

(Linda Perret)

Aging...

I’m at that age where I should know better. The only problem is I can’t remember what it is that I should know better.

(Louis Ferrante)

You know you’re getting old when everyone you meet tells you how young you look.

(Gene Perret)

After 65 pulling an all-nighter is a cramp in bed.

(Louis Ferrante)

They say Methuselah lived to be 969 years old. I’d hate to have his pharmacy bill.

(Gene Perret)

The doctor told me my memory could start to go. I said, “What memory?”

(Gene Perret)

Really, I have an excellent memory; I can recall the names of all my classmates from whatever high school we went to.

(Gene Perret)

It’s hard for me to remember my past – I have so much of it.

(Gene Perret)

No matter how old I get, I continue to live with gusto. That’s the name of my pet goldfish.

(Gene Perret)

My aim is to live forever. I have to – I have doctor’s appointments scheduled for that long.

(Gene Perret)

Heat Wave…

It’s been hot in Los Angeles. You see a lot of people walking along wearing a mask . . . and nothing else at all.

My wife said, “Would you go out and pick up the mail?” I said, “Only if it meets me half way.

It’s scorching here. At the zoo, all the polar bears have taken off their fur coats.

You see a lot of snails in the streets that are just baked. Of course, it was 46 degrees when they started crossing the street.

I’ve got blisters on my feet because the heat came right through my shoes . . . and I was indoors.

Pizza shops are saving money. In this heat, they don’t have to turn on their ovens.

It was so hot in Palm Springs that it moved to Canada.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politicians...

Both political conventions are coming up soon. We just don’t quite know where, when, or why?

Both conventions will open with a prayer. If you listen closely and long enough, the prayer will begin to sound like a campaign speech.

We need prayers at the conventions. In fact, we’ve needed prayers long before the conventions started.

I’m sure whoever offers the opening prayer will pray for peace . . . which, if answered, could take most of the fun out of politics.

If I had a nickel for every time someone says, “The Great State of . . .” I’d be rich enough to move to a country that doesn’t have politics.

These will be virtual conventions. Aren’t they all?

Virtual conventions are quite educational because you can sleep through the important speeches.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

54- year old Mike Tyson is planning on getting back into the boxing ring. They will have to make some minor rule adjustments. For example, there will be no hitting your opponent below the belt and no hitting your opponent with your walker.

(Linda Perret)

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli sold their Bel Air mansion for $18 million. With that kind of money, they can afford to send a couple more kids to college.

(Bill Mihalic)

A petition is circulating to rename Columbus, Ohio Flavortown, which is Guy Fieri’s catch phrase. Fieri was born in Columbus in 1968…the same year that a lot of the places he visits on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives changed the oil in their fryers.

(Louis Ferrante)

Parting Shots...

God helps those who help themselves. . . which leads one to believe that all the meals in Heaven are going to be buffet style.

(Gene Perret)

Advice is like donating to the less fortunate. You give away whatever you’re never going to use yourself.

(Gene Perret)

They say that action speaks louder than words, but I’ve yet to hear anybody holler to a mime, “Hey, hold it down, will ya?”

(Gene Perret)

Enter your email address to keep up to date with our news letter!