Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Back to School

I can always tell when summer is over…the days get shorter, the air gets crisper, and I officially give up on having a bikini body.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Ban on Gender Specific Words

A town in California recently changed their municipal code to ban any words that are based on gender. Legally, “He said, she said” has been changed to “Both its said the same thing.”

(Gene Perret)

It’s even affected my mother. When the family sits down to eat she tells us kids, “Mind your personners.”

(Gene Perret)

I think the person who introduced this bill is a potential personiac.

(Gene Perret)

Birth certificates in this town now read “male,” “female,” and “gender to be named later.”

(Gene Perret)

In this town, you can no longer take your favorite girl to the prom. You must take your favorite “it” to the dance.

(Gene Perret)

…come to think of it, that pretty much describes my date for the prom.

(Gene Perret)

At the city’s zoo, the tank that used to house the manatees, now has a sign that says, “thingatees.”

(Gene Perret)

One thing remains unchanged, though – members of both the “itscouts” and the “itscouts” will still do their good deed by helping little old “somethings” across the street.

(Gene Perret)

Dillinger Exhumed

John Dillinger’s body is scheduled to be exhumed. No one quite knows why. Dillinger is hoping it’s because of a call from the Governor.

(Gene Perret)

Rumor has it that the authorities may want to ask him where Jimmy Hoffa is

(Gene Perret)

The FBI will be on hand when the body is exhumed. They think he may be trying to escape.

(Gene Perret)

They are planning to do a documentary on John Dillinger. I doubt if they would try to do it with the original cast, though.

(Gene Perret)

The History Channel is planning a documentary on his life. They may be negotiating to get him to do a walk-on.

(Gene Perret)

One story has it that Dillinger faked his own demise and that’s not really his body in the cemetery. Boy, talk about getting a friend to do you a favor…

(Gene Perret)

Crossing the English Channel

A French daredevil attempted to cross the English Channel on an “airboard.” He went about 11 miles before he fell into the sea. Still he goes into the record books with the longest “Cannonball” dive in history.

(Gene Perret)

Apparently, the trip across the English Channel is 21 miles with a loud splash in the middle.

(Gene Perret)

The trip was semi-successful. He made the first 11 miles with the “airboard” and the last 10 miles with the breaststroke.

(Gene Perret)

After the attempt, reporters asked him how he felt. He said, “Wet.”

(Gene Perret)

He was disappointed because he said the end was in view. Which proves his eyesight is better than his “airboard.”

(Gene Perret)

Pregnant Male Basketball Player

D.J. Cooper, a basketball player in Europe was suspended when his drug test revealed that he was pregnant. He’s already picked out a name for the baby – Surprise.

(Gene Perret)

It really wasn’t that surprising. I understand the team’s colors are pink and blue.

(Gene Perret)

It must be true. At halftime of next Sunday’s game, the team plans to throw a baby shower for him.

(Gene Perret)

He takes a lot of shots for his team, but as he says, “I have to. After all, I’m shooting for two.”

(Gene Perret)

His teammates clear the lane for him when he drives. They holler, “Coming through, fella with a baby.”

(Gene Perret)

The league suspended him for two reasons…because he failed the drug test and because the new baby probably will dribble better than he does.

(Gene Perret)

There was a player many years ago who was suspected of being pregnant. Turns out he was just stealing basketballs.

(Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A lock of Beethoven’s hair will be auctioned off. The lock of hair is estimated at $15,000 to $19,000. At that price, I couldn’t even afford Beethoven’s dandruff.

(Louis Ferrante)

A woman in Texas called the police when she thought the crashing sounds she heard coming from her living room were a burglar. It turned out to be a deer. The deer was caught and given a stern warning. The woman was given an eye exam.

(Louis Ferrante)

Luckily, they caught the deer in the act. It would have been pretty hard to track him down. How do you dust for hoof prints?

(Louis Ferrante)

The woman said she heard a lot of things breaking and stumbling footsteps. That’s not a burglar—that’s me coming home after the office holiday party.

(Louis Ferrante)

Back to School...

A recent news report stated that “Back to School” day was stressful for most parents. If that’s true, how come my Mother used to walk me to school on that day singing “Zippity-Doo-Dah?”

Take a close look at all the Parents waving goodbye as the school bus pulls away…half of them are wearing party hats.

Sometimes the kids would look out the back of the bus and wonder why all the parents were tossing confetti in the air.

One time my mother had to force me to get on the bus on the first day of school. I argued with her. I said, “But Mom, I graduated last year.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Summertime...

The worst part of the heat is that people of all shapes and sizes feel obliged to wear shorts.

(Melanie White)

It’s been so hot lately that when I bring home the bacon, by the time I get there, it’s already cooked.

(Melanie White)

At picnics, dirt is considered a condiment.

(Melanie White)

There’s something so peaceful and quiet about fishing. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that my wife never goes with me.

(Melanie White)

Diet and Exercise…

I’ve eaten so many oat products lately that I’ve got the uncontrollable urge to run in the Kentucky Derby.

(Melanie White)

My doctor says that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life. I walked three miles today…looking for a new doctor.

(Gene Perret)

My doctor told me all the things that are bad for me to eat. I said, “This list is no good without recipes.”

(Gene Perret)

They say that exercise is good for you. How good can it be when everything you read says, “Consult your doctor before exercising.”

(Gene Perret)

…I’ve never seen anything that says, “Consult your doctor before taking a nap.”

(Gene Perret)

I do ten sit-ups every morning. That’s the only way I can get out of bed without help.

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

In an interview, former Disney star, Bella Thorne announced that she is “pansexual.” I’m not sure exactly what that means, but please…keep her out of the kitchen.

(Bill Mihalic)

The new fad in Southern California is car chases. It’s the new thrill ride for those who can no longer afford the admission to Disneyland.

(Gene Perret)

Car chases are unusual because they are reality shows featuring real reality.

(Gene Perret)

It’s also a convenient way for non-celebrities to get a police escort.

(Gene Perret)

…And it’s an easy way for non-Kardashians to get on television.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I’ve been married three times: the first for love, the second for money; and the third time from sheer stupidity.

(Melanie White)

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover and more than one way to skin a cat. Whatever you do, don’t get them mixed up.

(Gene Perret)

Someone once said, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat. I don’t know who said that or why. One way has always been more than enough for me.

(Gene Perret)

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