Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Holiday Office Party

I must misbehave at the Office Christmas Party. Each year my Holiday bonus becomes my severance pay.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Political Hearings

Have you noticed, there’s always an even number of committees in Washington? That’s because every committee has another committee investigating it.

I love the interrogation in Washington investigative committees. Each politician gives a campaign speech, but he phrases it in the form of a question.

Committee hearings are so predictable. The politicians speak and the witnesses simply nod in all the right places.

The witnesses are usually malleable. They say to the questioner, “I’ll give you my answer and then you can tell me what I said during the press conference.”

The most common answer given at most congressional hearings is “I don’t recall.” It’s the same answer I give when people asked what college I attended.

Most of the questioners follow the same general rule: You say whatever you want, and I’ll hear whatever I want.

. . . “Is that all right with you?” “I don’t recall.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Royal Family

Rumor has it that Prince Harry and Meghan won’t be spending Christmas with the Royal Family. The poor Royals. Prince Harry, who they want around, is going to be absent and Prince Andrew, who no one wants around, will be there.

(Linda Perret)

There seems to be some bad blood among the British Royal Family. Just last week, the Tower of London lighted up their “Vacancy” sign.

(Gene Perret)

The Queen is concerned about it. Recently she asked that the royal library stock a few books about the Hatfields and McCoys.

(Gene Perret)

Some have said that Prince William and Prince Harry are not talking to each other . . . which is OK because no one can understand what an Englishman is saying anyway.

(Gene Perret)

Other people say they get along just like brothers—Cain and Abel.

(Gene Perret)

In other Royal news, an American art forger is claiming he forged three paintings that are currently on display at Prince Charles’ estate. Investigators say the painting appear genuine but they’re not sure Prince Charles is for real.

(Bill Mihalic)

Helmet Incident in NFL

A player in the NFL hit another player in the head with his helmet. Helmets can be lethal weapons, except perhaps when they’re being worn by the Cincinnati Bengals.

(Gene Perret)

Several players in the NFL have been knocked senseless by their own helmets…but they were only trying to put them on.

(Gene Perret)

The NFL doesn’t promote such violence. That’s why they’ve only shown the replay of it 726 times.

(Gene Perret)

What can be worse than pulling a player’s helmet off and hitting him on the noggin with it? Well, maybe pulling his jock strap off over his head.

(Gene Perret)

Whoever thought the NFL would one day be more violent than the Three Stooges?

(Gene Perret)

In other football news, Colin Kaepernick held an audition workout but at the last minute changed locations. He wanted to show the NFL scouts his football technique while at the same time see how skilled they were at scavenger hunts.

(Linda Perret)

Mark Zuckerberg Testified before Congress

Mark Zuckerberg was called before Congress to explain Facebook. It’s pretty difficult to explain technology to people who still have VCRs…blinking 12:00.

(Louis Ferrante)

It’s estimated that Facebook is used by one third of the world’s population and that’s just sharing cat videos.

(Louis Ferrante)

The point of the hearing was to discuss the cryptocurrency Facebook is trying to launch. They say in the future we won’t have any paper money. I already have that…every month after I pay my bills.

(Louis Ferrante)

Odd But True…

A camel, a cow and a donkey were found wondering the streets in Kansas. Now if it was a priest, a rabbi, and a minister, we’d have the makings of a good joke.

(Linda Perret)

…they weren’t really lost, it was just a pop up nativity scene.

(Linda Perret)

A Florida man parked his Smart Car in the kitchen of his home to protect it from a hurricane. Sounds like this is a case of a Smart Car, but not so Smart Driver.

(Louis Ferrante)

He meant to park the car in the living room but got lost at the den and he didn’t want to ask his wife for directions.

(Louis Ferrante)

A man received a message back in reply to a bottle he threw in the ocean nine years ago. It was not so much a message as a ticket for littering.

(Linda Perret)

The message was from a whale it said, “Send plastic straws…these paper ones keep falling apart.”

(Linda Perret)

Thanksgiving...

Our family doesn’t have the best eating habits. Our preferred vegetable at Thanksgiving is Candy Corn.

(Louis Ferrante)

But we really do know how to party. Even the turkey wears a lampshade.

(Louis Ferrante)

We have so much food at Thanksgiving which makes me very thankful…mostly for elastic pants.

(Linda Perret)

We have plenty of turkey every Thanksgiving—some on the table and some on the TV.

(Melanie White)

…And others we continue to vote into office.

(Linda Perret)

Holidays...

This Christmas I’m giving my relatives exactly what they’ve been wishing for. I’m staying home.

(Melanie White)

I didn’t like what Santa brought me last year, so this year I greased the landing area on my roof.

(Gene Perret)

New Years—a day for bowl games and to finish off what’s left of the Thanksgiving Day Turkey.

(Melanie White)

Office Holiday Parties…

Be wary, the office Holiday parties are coming. Get your resumes written now.

I left the office Christmas party early last year . . . Before I put my clothes back on.

You’d be surprised how difficult it is to be naked and successfully flag down a cab at one in the morning.

You can imagine how much imbibing one must do in order to think he looks fashionable wearing nothing but a lampshade.

I drank so much at last year’s office Christmas party, that I made a toast to my boss. Unfortunately, “toast” was the only word in it that was longer than four letters.

It’s probably not a coincidence that I’m an employee for the office Christmas party, but I’m rarely an employee at Christmas.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Meetings...

When I was a youngster, we called it “hanging out with the guys on the corner.” Now that I’m in the business world, we call it “going to a meeting.”

In my company meetings, we discuss what we discussed at the last meeting and decide what we’ll discuss at the upcoming meeting. That leaves no time for this meeting.

We always start this week’s meetings by reading the minutes from last week’s meeting. So right from the start, we’re a week behind schedule.

Nothing good ever comes out of a business meeting . . . and that includes the people who went into it.

It’s my belief that executives swear by business meetings so they can gather in a private room and ask one another, “What the hell is happening in this company?”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

The author of the book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up now has a website offering gadgets and knickknacks. The woman who made me throw everything away now wants me to buy it all back.

(Linda Perret)

I have news for Marie Kondo. Spending 9 bucks on a soap dish does not bring me joy.

(Linda Perret)

Parting Shots...

Success is impossible. Once you get it you find out it’s not really what you wanted after all.

(Gene Perret)

Think about it…a hypochondriac is someone who just thinks he’s sick. So when the doctor bill comes, can he just think he paid it?

(Gene Perret)

I used to think I was my own worst critic…until I read my reviews.

(Melanie White)

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