Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Autumn

The leaves are falling and no two are the same…very much like the excuses I give my wife for not raking them up. 

 (Louis Ferrante)

In the news

iPhone 10

Apple’s iPhone 10 has a bunch of features I don’t want, won’t use, and ain’t going to pay 1000 bucks for.

(Linda Perret)

The new iPhone 10 can do everything except pay for itself.

(Linda Perret)

I just got the new iPhone 10.  The first message I got on it was from Apple telling me they’ve just come out with a new model.

(Gene Perret)

Toys R Us Filing for Bankruptcy

Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy. The situation is so serious that even the Tickle Me Elmo dolls aren’t laughing.

(Bill Mihalic)

Toys R Us filed for bankruptcy.  Of course, the petition was written in crayons.

(Linda Perret)

This is a lesson for all of us.  Never trust your finances to a man who carries a ‘My Little Accountant’ briefcase.

(Linda Perret)

Football

Fall means football season.  And to all the wives who get mad when we watch too much football, I say, “If God hadn’t wanted us to watch football, he wouldn’t have given us the recliner with the built-in refrigerator.”

(Louis Ferrante)

Football season, so many games, so little barbecue flavored potato chips.

(Louis Ferrante)

Football causes me to ask the really deep questions, like “Can an atheist make a Hail Mary pass?”

(Louis Ferrante)

I watched the Patriots beat the Redskins. Don’t know if that’s a football game or a history lesson.

(Kyle Parris)

There’s only one thing I hate about football…and that’s how many times my wife asks me, “Isn’t the season over already?”

(Linda Perret)

…And the way my team is playing, it’s going to be a long season for both of us.

(Linda Perret)

New Twist on an Old Saying...

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, especially since my neighbor is a fertilizer salesman.

(Louis Ferrante)

These days nobody wants to keep up with the Jones’s; they want to keep up with the Dows.

(Coke Ellington)

A student asked his English professor, “If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…what’s plagiarism?”

(Coke Ellington)

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.  I don’t know, it sure bets looking in the other end.

(Linda Perret)

Pick pockets believe every crowd has a silver lining.

(Coke Ellington)

Odd But True…

A fruitcake over 100 years old was found, and it was almost edible…kind of like the fruitcake my wife made last week.

(Louis Ferrante)

Fruitcake is the perfect holiday gift.  You take a bite at Christmas and you’re still chewing when the New Year rolls in.

(Linda Perret)

After a customer at a McDonald’s drive-thru complained about his food, the manager reached through the car window and attacked him. Boy, you know it’s a tough neighborhood when McDonald’s offers drive-thru beatings.

(Bill Mihalic)

Speed Reading...

I sent away for information about a Speed Reading Course. It took me four months to read the pamphlet.

I have my own speed reading method. I only ready every 10th word. It’s fast but I have to read the book 10 times to understand it.

I took a speed reading course and it was great. I can now flunk out of a class in half the time it used to take me.

I used my own speed reading process for reading Shakespeare’s plays. I read only those words I understand.

I used speed reading to finish 16 books this month. I have no idea which ones they were or what they were about.

I took a course in speed reading and I read much faster now. I discovered it was trying to understand what the books were about that was slowing me down.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Snobby Neighborhood...

We live in a very upscale neighborhood.  Even the birds are snobs.  They won’t come to your feeder unless it has cable.

(John McBride)

As you enter our neighborhood, there’s a sign that says, “Welcome…You’re not planning on staying, are you?”

(John McBride)

Travel...

If God wanted people to fly, he wouldn’t have created TSA.

(Kevin Harkins)

The security lines at the airport are getting so long that no matter where you’re going, it’s easier to walk than go through security.

(Gene Perret)

I was going to the back of the security line at the airport, and on the way, I passed my house.

(Gene Perret)

I would prefer to travel by bus…if I could find one that didn’t have other passengers on it.

(Gene Perret)

Ventriloquism...

I saw a ventriloquist act one time where the guy absolutely never moved his lips. His dummy was a mime.

I saw a great ventriloquist who did a show for an audience of deaf people. He did his entire act in sign language without once moving his fingers.

I had a friend who was a ventriloquist and both he and his dummy stuttered.  He could do an hour show with only three minutes of material.

A ventriloquist was mugged on the streets of New York. When he cried out for help, people rushed to the aid of the guy next to him.

(Series by Gene Perret)

I Didn't Get the Job…

I was filling out a job application. One question was, “Do you have reliable transportation?” I put, “How do you think I got here?” I didn’t get the job.

A job application asked if I had any convictions.  I put, “I believe in God.”  I didn’t get the job.

I was filling out a job application. One question was, “What’s your greatest accomplishment?” I put, “If I’m looking for work here, I obviously haven’t had any yet.”  I didn’t get the job.

(Series by Kyle Parris)

Parting Shots...

I have the worst luck in the world. Anytime I find a great parking space, I don’t have my car with me.

(Gene Perret)

…By the time I go home and get it, the spot is gone.

(Gene Perret)

One time I was driving and found a great parking space…so I parked.  I had to call Uber to drive me home.

(Gene Perret)

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