Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Roseanne

25 million people watched the revival of Roseanne. Just goes to show, left or right, Americans just want to laugh.

…And like it or not, we have plenty to laugh at. 

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Royal Wedding

The Royal Wedding may cost 45 million dollars. Actually, it may cost 45 million and 100 dollars if the tuxedos aren’t back to the rental shop by noon.

(Gene Perret)

45 million dollars! Wouldn’t you like to be there when the Father of the Bride gets hit with that tab?

(Gene Perret)

Prince Charles will be a Father-in-Law once again. It’s beginning to look more and more like that may be the highest ranking he ascends to in the UK.

(Gene Perret)

Coffee with Cancer Warning

California now demands cancer warnings on coffee. Starbucks has threatened to secede from the State.

(Gene Perret)

Now coffee has to have a label about cancer, that contents may be hot…Most places will no longer sell a small cup of coffee, they don’t have room for all the warnings.

(Linda Perret)

Why do they need cancer warnings on coffee? Why doesn’t Governor Brown just declare California an anti-cancer state?

(Gene Perret)

Coffee is still good to the last drop. But California says that last drop maybe you.

(Gene Perret)

Hell Doesn’t Exist

Pope Francis said that Hell does not exist. Apparently, the church he goes to has better sermons than the church I go to.

(Gene Perret)

The Pope said that Hell doesn’t exist. When I hit the lottery, I guess I’ll have to come up with another place to tell my boss to go to.

(Gene Perret)

The Pope doesn’t believe that Hell exists. I guess he’s never had to sit through Godfather Part III.

(Gene Perret)

The Pope says that Hell doesn’t exist. If he’s not careful he’s going to have a Nun uprising on his hands.

(Gene Perret)

The Pope has said that Hell doesn’t exist. Now he tells me. All these years I’ve been good for nothing.

(Gene Perret)

Self-Driving Car Ticketed

The policeman approached the car with his gun drawn, but it was loaded with blanks.

(Gene Perret)

Imagine giving a ticket to a driverless car. That’s like arresting a mime for going into a crowded theater and acting out “Fire.”

(Gene Perret)

How do you give a ticket to a driver who doesn’t exist? That’s like being a hair stylist for Steve Harvey.

(Gene Perret)

…It’s like a ventriloquist cancelling his show because the dummy has laryngitis.

(Gene Perret)

A ticket is a notice to appear in court. That’s silly. If the driver didn’t show up in the car, chances are he won’t show in court, either.

(Gene Perret)

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

Dunkin Donuts is coming out with a running shoe. I don’t think I want to go to a donut shop where the clerks help people try on shoes.

(Gene Perret)

Why does a donut shop sell running shoes? Now Taco Bell…that’s a whole different story.

(Gene Perret)

Las Vegas airport has installed “Marijuana Amnesty Boxes.” The reason for the boxes is Nevada legalized marijuana, but you still can’t bring it on a plane. It creates a safety risk if the plane is flying at 37,000 feet and some of the passengers are at 39,000.

(Louis Ferrante)

An interesting fact is the boxes still can’t hold as much marijuana as the average Grateful Dead fan.

(Louis Ferrante)

Taxes…

You can tell it’s spring.  The temperatures are rising, the flowers are blooming, and the tax man is at the door.

(Linda Perret)

My tax situation is really bad. This year, IRS stand for “I’m Really Screwed.”

(Louis Ferrante)

This year your taxes aren’t due until April 17th.  That means you get an extra two days before you have to kiss your money good-bye.

(Linda Perret)

Some people say we should be proud and honored to pay taxes.  Couldn’t I be just as proud and honored at the Macy’s One Day Sale.

(Linda Perret)

I got a degree in accounting and I still count on my fingers. I file tax returns now…but only for clients who make under $10 a year.

(Gene Perret)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. After taxes it’s just worth one-and-a-half in the bush.

(Gene Perret)

Self Esteem...

I have no self-esteem. At a job interview they asked why I lost my last job. I said, “Because I was the same then as I am now.”

I went into therapy and the doctor asked me, “What’s the best thing that you have going for you.” I said, “Mortality.”

I have no self-esteem. I went into a loser’s contest and came in last.

I bought a dog because dogs are supposed to be “man’s best friend.” Mine was an acquaintance.

Nobody really likes me. Even at my wedding…the preacher asked, “Do you take this man to love, honor, and cherish until death do you part?” She said, “Okay.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Baseball...

Major League Baseball is trying to speed up the game. Eventually “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” will just be “Take.”

(Tom Padovano)

The manager will only be allowed to go to the pitcher’s mound twice a game. If he goes out a third time he’ll have to bring the umpires a gift.

(Tom Padovano)

Pitchers coming in from the bullpen will take a 747.

(Tom Padovano)

If a player gets hurt on the field, they’ll play around him.

(Tom Padovano)

They do want to speed up the game.  From now on, players are going to have to do all their scratching and spitting before the game starts.

(Linda Perret)

Breakfast...

The thing I hate about breakfast is that you have to wake up to eat it.

Some people say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I would agree with that except that I don’t want to alienate lunch and dinner.

Always send your kids off to school with a good, healthy breakfast. Then once they’re gone you can go back to sleep until lunch.

I always look terrible until I’ve had my first cup of coffee in the morning. I look terrible afterwards, too, but I can handle it better.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

 Things were so much more cordial before the Internet. Hatred was confined to family, neighbors, and co-workers.

(Steve Segneff)

Once I went to an Overeater’s Anonymous Meeting. Every seat was packed.

(Patrick Manalio)

A fool and his money are soon parted. So if you often have to borrow money, hang around with fools.

(Gene Perret)

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