The leaves are falling and no two are the same…very much like the excuses I give my wife for not raking them up.
In the news
Apple’s iPhone 10 has a bunch of features I don’t want, won’t use, and ain’t going to pay 1000 bucks for.
The new iPhone 10 can do everything except pay for itself.
I just got the new iPhone 10. The first message I got on it was from Apple telling me they’ve just come out with a new model.
Toys R Us Filing for Bankruptcy
Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy. The situation is so serious that even the Tickle Me Elmo dolls aren’t laughing.
Toys R Us filed for bankruptcy. Of course, the petition was written in crayons.
This is a lesson for all of us. Never trust your finances to a man who carries a ‘My Little Accountant’ briefcase.
Fall means football season. And to all the wives who get mad when we watch too much football, I say, “If God hadn’t wanted us to watch football, he wouldn’t have given us the recliner with the built-in refrigerator.”
Football season, so many games, so little barbecue flavored potato chips.
Football causes me to ask the really deep questions, like “Can an atheist make a Hail Mary pass?”
I watched the Patriots beat the Redskins. Don’t know if that’s a football game or a history lesson.
There’s only one thing I hate about football…and that’s how many times my wife asks me, “Isn’t the season over already?”
…And the way my team is playing, it’s going to be a long season for both of us.
New Twist on an Old Saying...
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, especially since my neighbor is a fertilizer salesman.
These days nobody wants to keep up with the Jones’s; they want to keep up with the Dows.
A student asked his English professor, “If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…what’s plagiarism?”
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. I don’t know, it sure bets looking in the other end.
Pick pockets believe every crowd has a silver lining.
Odd But True…
A fruitcake over 100 years old was found, and it was almost edible…kind of like the fruitcake my wife made last week.
Fruitcake is the perfect holiday gift. You take a bite at Christmas and you’re still chewing when the New Year rolls in.
After a customer at a McDonald’s drive-thru complained about his food, the manager reached through the car window and attacked him. Boy, you know it’s a tough neighborhood when McDonald’s offers drive-thru beatings.
I sent away for information about a Speed Reading Course. It took me four months to read the pamphlet.
I have my own speed reading method. I only ready every 10th word. It’s fast but I have to read the book 10 times to understand it.
I took a speed reading course and it was great. I can now flunk out of a class in half the time it used to take me.
I used my own speed reading process for reading Shakespeare’s plays. I read only those words I understand.
I used speed reading to finish 16 books this month. I have no idea which ones they were or what they were about.
I took a course in speed reading and I read much faster now. I discovered it was trying to understand what the books were about that was slowing me down.
(Series by Gene Perret)
We live in a very upscale neighborhood. Even the birds are snobs. They won’t come to your feeder unless it has cable.
As you enter our neighborhood, there’s a sign that says, “Welcome…You’re not planning on staying, are you?”
If God wanted people to fly, he wouldn’t have created TSA.
The security lines at the airport are getting so long that no matter where you’re going, it’s easier to walk than go through security.
I was going to the back of the security line at the airport, and on the way, I passed my house.
I would prefer to travel by bus…if I could find one that didn’t have other passengers on it.
I saw a ventriloquist act one time where the guy absolutely never moved his lips. His dummy was a mime.
I saw a great ventriloquist who did a show for an audience of deaf people. He did his entire act in sign language without once moving his fingers.
I had a friend who was a ventriloquist and both he and his dummy stuttered. He could do an hour show with only three minutes of material.
A ventriloquist was mugged on the streets of New York. When he cried out for help, people rushed to the aid of the guy next to him.
(Series by Gene Perret)
I Didn't Get the Job…
I was filling out a job application. One question was, “Do you have reliable transportation?” I put, “How do you think I got here?” I didn’t get the job.
A job application asked if I had any convictions. I put, “I believe in God.” I didn’t get the job.
I was filling out a job application. One question was, “What’s your greatest accomplishment?” I put, “If I’m looking for work here, I obviously haven’t had any yet.” I didn’t get the job.
(Series by Kyle Parris)
I have the worst luck in the world. Anytime I find a great parking space, I don’t have my car with me.
…By the time I go home and get it, the spot is gone.
One time I was driving and found a great parking space…so I parked. I had to call Uber to drive me home.