Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Cold Weather

Much of the country has been hit with cold weather. In fact, some states are expecting over a foot of global warming.

(Linda Perret)

In the news

Consumer Electronics Show

At the recent Consumer Electronics Show they had a smart hair brush.  This brush tells you if your hair is dry, tangled, or frizzy.  I already have something that does that.  It’s called a mirror.

(Linda Perret)

Nowadays all electronics are becoming “smart.” Remember the good old days when the only thing your gadgets could tell you was what time it was.

(Linda Perret)

I need a smart brush that tells me where my hair went.

(Gene Perret)

Cold Weather

It’s been cold lately.  Yesterday I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both ice skating.

(Gene Perret)

It’s been so cold recently that all the people back east have to buy their clothes a size larger…to allow room for all the goose bumps.

(Gene Perret)

We’ve had a real cold spell lately. General Electric has even come out with a new crock pot that sleeps two.

(Gene Perret)

There is nothing more terrifying to a parent than hearing those two little words: “Snow Day.”

(Linda Perret)

This recent cold spell could have been a disaster if it weren’t for all the hot air still coming out of Washington D.C.

(Gene Perret)

Presidential Inauguration

Washington DC is preparing for the Presidential Inauguration.  Some people are happy, others aren’t so thrilled. No matter which side you’re on there is someone on Twitter to tell you you’re wrong.

(Linda Perret)

During the inauguration, the U.S. Marine Corps will give Donald Trump a 21 comb-over salute.

(Tom Padovano)

The Radio City Rockettes and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will be performing at the Presidential Inauguration.  It will be a bit challenging – they’re still trying to synchronize high kicks with the “Hallelujah Chorus.”

(Bill Mihalic)

Football Playoffs in Cold Weather

Many of the playoff football games are being played in cold weather. They not only send in plays from the bench, but also hot cocoa.

(Gene Perret)

You see a lot of long counts in cold weather playoff games. That’s because the quarterback’s hands feel so warm under the center.

(Gene Perret)

In cold weather the guys want to get gang-tackled…just for the warmth.

(Gene Perret)

The players prefer to play in warm, sunny weather. That way if you get faked out of your pants, at least you don’t get frost bite.

(Gene Perret)

Words

According to a recent survey, one of the most mispronounced words in 2016 is “xenophobia,” which is a “fear of anything strange or foreign” – for example, the word “xenophobia.”

(Bill Mihalic)

Odd But True…

The FBI is on the lookout for a bank robber who misspells his holdup notes. They’re starting by interviewing local Starbucks baristas.

(Louis Ferrante)

The FBI said he’s getting more aggressive.  His last note was misspelled in caps.

(Louis Ferrante)

When he is caught, the judge will throw the book at him. It’ll be a dictionary.

(Louis Ferrante)

In South Africa, a cobra was found in the toilet at a home.  The owners were confused.  They didn’t know if they should call Roto-Rooter or a snake charmer.

(Louis Ferrante)

…No one was hurt but the Tidy Bowl Man is missing.

(Linda Perret)

Relationships...

According to one website, being ignored is the number one reason women walk away from a relationship.  Of course, it’s tough for a guy to argue when it takes him three days to realize she’s gone.

(Bill Mihalic)

My wife and I haven’t argued in 15 years. I know because that’s when we stopped talking to each other.

(Gene Perret)

I make it a point never to argue with my wife until after she’s done packing my lunch.

(Gene Perret)

My wife never lets me win an argument. But she’s always gracious about giving me a rematch.

(Gene Perret)

I always have the last word in any argument with my wife. That word is “sorry.”

(Gene Perret)

You Know You’ve Reached Adulthood When…

  • You can’t answer any of the music questions on Jeopardy.
  • Your denim trousers get holes in them and you throw them out.
  • You refer to your jeans as “denim trousers.”
  • You discover it’s easier to walk to the store than to get in and out of the car.
  • You have a cell phone that folds in half.
  • You read about two celebrities getting divorced and you never knew they were married…or were celebrities.

(Series by Gene Perret)

On the Calendar...

January 12th is “National Pharmacist Day.”  Pharmacists are very important.  Without them who would be able to read the doctors’ prescriptions.

January 13th is “Make Your Dream Come True Day” and “International Skeptics Day.”  I wonder what would happen if people who celebrate these holidays ever met?

January 18th is “Thesaurus Day.” And let me tell you there are so many words I can use to describe it.

January 24th is “Compliment Day” and “Beer Can Appreciation Day.”  I observe both by saying “I never drank from a beer can I didn’t like.”

January 28th is “Fun at Work Day.” That brings up an interesting question.  If you’re self-employed and you take yourself out to lunch, who picks up the bill?

(Series by Louis Ferrante)

Computers...

Computers can’t think; computer owners don’t think.

My computer can find the square root of 4,214 in under a second.  Before it would take me 4 months to come up with a reason to find the square root of 4,214.

They say computers do only what you tell them to do.  I don’t believe it. Last week, I told mine to go jump in a lake and it’s still sitting on my desk.

The most terrifying phrase in the English language today is: “Our computers are down.”

A person who refuses to work is called shiftless.  A machine that refuses to work is called a computer.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Thoughts…

Some people say there are no easy answers. Not me. I’m of the opinion that there are no easy questions.

(Gene Perret)

They say elephants never forget. But I never seen one take a lie detector test.

(Tom Padovano)

When I was a kid I used to get a quarter from the Tooth Fairy for every tooth I lost.  As an adult, I had heart surgery…didn’t make a dime.

(Gene Perret)

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