Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Back to School

Many things I learned in grade school I never used in my adult career — like how to make and fire a spitball.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Facebook Tanks

Mark Zuckerberg lost $16 billion in 5 minutes when Facebook stocks plummeted.  Wow! I thought I was having a bad day when I couldn’t find my car keys.

(Linda Perret)

Mark Zuckerberg lost $16 billion in 5 minutes.  The saddest part is that he didn’t even notice.

(Linda Perret)

Embezzling Lunch Money

Two sisters were arrested in Connecticut for embezzling over $500,000 in school lunch money. They first became suspect when so many schoolkids would ask their parents for $18,000 for lunch.

(Gene Perret)

When they were arrested, their excuse wasn’t that believable. They claimed the kids were just big tippers.

(Gene Perret)

The authorities suspected the sisters were stealing.  They were the only cafeteria workers whose hairnets jingled.

(Linda Perret)

The school never even realized that over $500,000 was missing. It’s a real black mark for their Math Department.

(Gene Perret)

Imagine over $500,000 for school cafeteria food. When I went to school we would have paid that much for the Lunch Lady to eat it herself.

(Gene Perret)

Theybies

There’s a new trend where parents refer to their children as only “they” until the baby reaches the age of 4 and then they can decide which sex they want to be. The babies are being called “theybies.” The parents are being called “whack-a-doodles.”

(Linda Perret)

It can be tough on the parents when they finally ask the child on its fourth birthday, “What do you want to be?” and the kid says, “Adopted.”

(Gene Perret)

It used to be when a baby was born the doctor would say, “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl.” Now the doctor says, “It’s an undecided.”

(Gene Perret)

It used to be when a baby was born the doctor would say, “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl.” Now the doctor says, “Leave me out of this.”

(Linda Perret)

This is brilliant. The child will be able to plan his or her own gender reveal party.

(Linda Perret)

One problem is if it’s twins, who gets to cast the deciding vote?

(Gene Perret)

Ban on Straws

In Santa Barbara, workers can get jail time for handing out plastic straws. The sentence can be up to 6 months—12 if it’s a bendy straw.

(Linda Perret)

Gotta love California…it’s legal to smoke pot so long as you don’t use a straw.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A house in Texas is being sold for one dollar. What’s really sad is one buyer asked if financing is available.

(Louis Ferrante)

I tend to stay away from houses that cost less than a Starbucks’s latte.

(Louis Ferrante)

A Massachusetts man was arrested for exercising in the nude at a Planet Fitness. Patrons weren’t too upset as they could clearly see he’s nuts.

(Linda Perret)

A company is marketing “Redneck Sandals.” They have a lower portion like a typical sandal, but an upper portion like a cowboy boot. Of course, they’re not practical for horseback riding. It’s hard to get on a horse that’s doubled over with laughter.

(Bill Mihalic)

Break-Ups...

My girlfriend says I’m the man of her dreams. But when she wakes up, she’d like someone else.

(Steve Shrott)

I had to split up with my girlfriend. Yeah, we had a knock-down drag-out fight the day I got the invitation to her wedding.

(Gene Perret)

They say that “breaking up is hard to do.” Not so much if one of you moves to Australia.

(Gene Perret)

My girl split up with me but wanted us to still be friends. So I borrowed 20 bucks from her.

(Gene Perret)

My girlfriend split up with me—even gave me back her engagement ring. The joke’s on her. I never gave her one.

(Gene Perret)

Blind Dates…

A blind date is like playing the lottery where even if your number is picked, you’re not sure whether you won or not.

Many blind dates are like a boxing match where neither fighter wins.

Some blind dates turn out to be a win-win situation—neither side shows up.

I don’t like blind dates. Even if it goes well, then I have to spend the rest of my life dating a stranger.

My blind date said, “You seem a little guarded.” I said, “Why? Just because I brought my lawyer along?”

Meeting your soul mate on a blind date is like trying to win the Kentucky Derby when the horse you bet on has a milk wagon behind it.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Picking on Places...

Lamborghini has recalled its Aventador SV models after reports that under certain conditions the wheels could come off…like if you parked it overnight in Detroit.

(Bill Mihalic)

The Reader’s Digest website has an article on “How to Unlock your Car Door without a Key in 30 Seconds.”  Easy, park it in downtown Detroit and walk away.

(Bill Mihalic)

A sign from New Jersey that was washed into the ocean during Hurricane Sandy ended up on a beach in France. Poor New Jersey, even the signs don’t want to stay there.

(Louis Ferrante)

Education...

Much to the consternation of my 6th grade teacher, I have gotten through life so far without once having to figure out the area of an isosceles triangle.

(Gene Perret)

The educators who teach us reading, ‘riting, and ‘rithmatic…I wonder if they realize that two of those three words are misspelled.

(Gene Perret)

It’s amazing that everything we learned from kindergarten through 8th grade is now available on an app for your iPhone.

(Gene Perret)

…plus you can take pictures.

(Gene Perret)

It’s frustrating. I studied Latin for four years in high school and I still can’t get an audience with the Pope.

(Gene Perret)

One student says, “The university is dropping baseball to add softball. Another says, “How underhanded!”

(Coke Ellington)

Exercise...

I hate exercising, but at the same time I want to feel like I’ve done some. So I’m looking for a pedometer that lies.

(Steve Shrott)

I really think my pedometer has an attitude. When I push the button to see how many miles I walked, I swear I hear it laughing.

(Steve Shrott)

My wife is proud of me because I walk five miles a day. And I’m proud of myself, because I figured out how to put a pedometer on the dog’s tail.

(Steve Shrott)

I watched a marathon on television and boy was it dull. To make it more interesting they should make them run 26 miles through a maze.

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Jerry Seinfeld turned down NBC’s offer of $5 million an episode to return to TV. Jerry Seinfeld said no, but Mark Zuckerberg said he’d do it as he could use the money.

(Linda Perret)

Former Today host Matt Lauer is reportedly furious that he had to pay his ex-wife $50 million in their divorce settlement. He’s optimistic he can make the money back once he gets back into television…if he can just borrow cab fare to get to the interview.

(Bill Mihalic)

The Emmy Nominations were released and Roseanne was nominated for “Best Editing.” That was a surprise—normally that award isn’t given for cutting out the lead character.

(Bill Mihalic)

Parting Shots...

I had a terrible birthday. I opened up one gift and it was a cat toy. Either someone gave me the wrong present or Fluffy re-gifted.

(Steve Shrott)

Re-gifting is the art of wrapping up something you don’t want and giving it to someone who has no use for it.

(Steve Shrott)

I would like to be a movie star. Not for the fame and fortune, but because no matter where they go in the movies, they always find a parking spot.

(Gene Perret)

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