Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Bird Box Challenge

I went to see the movie Bird Box. I have no idea what it’s about…I was blindfolded at the time.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Postage Going Up

USPS is planning to increase the price of a first-class stamp to 55 cents. I was going to send a complaint letter but I couldn’t afford it.

(Linda Perret)

I wish we still had lickable stamps. When I think about how much it’s costing me to mail a letter, I just want to spit.

(Linda Perret)

This is going to hurt Hallmark. Let’s face it, there’s nobody I care about enough to send the very best at 55 cents a pop.

(Linda Perret)

The Scouts

The Girl Scouts have come out with a new cookie. It’s gluten free! Oh no, now I have to come up with a different excuse for not buying them.

(Gene Perret)

The cookie is made with cookie dough, caramel, semi-sweet chocolate chips and sea salt. No wonder—with all those ingredients, there was no room for gluten.

(Gene Perret)

And the Boy Scouts are considering filing bankruptcy. A Boy Scout nowadays is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent…and broke.

(Gene Perret)

The poor Boy Scouts have nothing to sell…except maybe their old uniforms.

(Gene Perret)

Bird Box Challenge

Everybody’s talking about that movie, Bird Box. It’s hard to figure out what all the fuss is about. It’s just a remake of “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.”

(Gene Perret)

It’s a workable innovation. In fact, there are a lot of other movies I’ve seen that could have benefited from blindfolds.

(Gene Perret)

In the film, Sandra Bullock takes a rowboat out into a treacherous river completely blindfolded. She can’t see anything so she has to navigate by the sound of the stars.

(Gene Perret)

Many teenagers are taking the challenge by driving around town while blindfolded. The accident rate has gone down considerably.

(Gene Perret)

Jeff Bezos Divorce

Jeff Bezos, the richest man in the world, is divorcing his wife, MacKenzie, which should make her the richest woman in the world.

(Gene Perret)

And it should make both of their lawyers the happiest attorneys in the world.

(Gene Perret)

She could collect over 60 billion dollars from the divorce. That’s like hitting the lottery when only one ticket was sold.

(Gene Perret)

They’ve been married 25 years. I don’t care what you say, that’s one helluva 25th Anniversay present.

(Gene Perret)

Bezos has a new girlfriend. That’s fine, but if a first date with a new girlfriend is going to cost 60 billion dollars, I would try to convince her to go Dutch.

(Gene Perret)

….at the very least, I’d try to talk her into a fast food restaurant.

(Gene Perret)

Monopoly for Millennials

Hasbro just released a version of Monopoly for Millennials. There are a few changes. You don’t actually buy the properties, you sublet space in your parent’s basement.

(Louis Ferrante)

My son is a millennial. He said he’d be willing to try it, as soon as I lend him the money to buy the game.

(Louis Ferrante)

With the millennial version of Monopoly, there’s no hurt feelings, so everyone wins!

(Linda Perret)

Valentine’s Day

I can tell it’s almost Valentine’s Day. My drugstore just put out all their Halloween decorations.

(Linda Perret)

It’s just not romantic when your Valentine is addressed to “My true love—or current occupant.”

(Tom Padovano)

If your girlfriend has fake breasts is it okay to give her artificial flowers?

(Tom Padovano)

There’s almost six weeks until Valentine’s Day. That gives you plenty of time to think up your excuse for forgetting that it’s Valentine’s Day.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A couple cleaning for Thanksgiving found a lottery ticket worth 1.8 million dollars, proving that not only is cleanliness next to godliness, it’s also next to a higher tax bracket.

(Louis Ferrante)

The ticket was two weeks away from expiring. I don’t have to worry about that. The only thing I’d find cleaning up my house is a Twinkie…and you know those things last forever.

(Louis Ferrante)

A pastor in Mississippi used a zip line and cables to fly down to deliver his sermon. It was so entertaining, next week the church is thinking about charging a two-drink minimum instead of passing the collection plate.

(Louis Ferrante)

Tipping...

Tipping is an obscene tradition. I got caught in a revolving door once. Not only was I getting dizzy, but it was costing me a fortune to keep tipping the door man.

Next we’ll have vending machines with two coin slots—one for the price of the candy, and one that tips the vending machine for providing the service.

One restaurant even figured out the tip for me and added it to my bill. My question is: Should I tip them for doing that?

I got such bad service at a restaurant once that I left without leaving a tip. The waiter followed me outside and said, “Excuse me, sir, but I was your waiter this evening…” I said, “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Strict Diet...

My doctor wants me to eat only things that are healthy. So I ate his stethoscope.

I’m off salt altogether. If I go on vacation now, it has to be to a resort that’s by a low-sodium ocean.

I now have a craving for sodium. I follow deer into the woods hoping they’ll lead me to a salt lick.

I want to take my doctor to lunch…just to see if he’ll be able to swallow the same stuff he expects me to eat.

You’ve heard of decaffeinated coffee? My doctor allows me to have detastinated food.

I couldn’t finish my meal the other day so I put it in the dog’s bowl. She just sat there and laughed…

(Series by Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

In response to charges of sexual assault, Kevin Spacey made his first appearance in a courtroom in Nantucket. Legal experts say it was the first time formal charges had ever been read in the form of a limerick.

(Bill Mihalic)

Back to the Future actor, Michael J. Fox just got his first tattoo. He went to a celebrity tattoo parlor in New York City named “BangBang.” That’s probably better than going to a tattoo parlor named “WhoopsWhoops.”

(Gene Perret)

Michael J. Fox got his first tattoo at the age of 57. He’s already setup a follow-up appointment to get his next one at the age of 114.

(Gene Perret)

Prince Harry, at Meghan’s request, recently gave up alcohol. Now he’s vowed to stop drinking tea. Very un-British. Next, he may start talking so Americans can understand him.

(Gene Perret)

Giving up tea is nothing new. Anne Boleyn officially gave up tea also but that was because Henry VIII left her with nothing to drink it with.

(Gene Perret)

An Englishman giving up tea—it’s unheard of. It’s like the Kardashians giving up see-through dress pictures on the internet.

(Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

Show me a man who keeps all of his New Year’s Resolutions, and I’ll show you a man who is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

(Gene Perret)

When you argue politics, you usually say something stupid. Why not just leave that to the politicians?

….They’re so much better at it than we are.

(Gene Perret)

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