Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Thanksgiving

The Native Americans were very gracious at the first Thanksgiving. They said to the settlers, “We’ll teach you how to plant corn if you’ll teach us how to build a slot machine.”

 (Gene Perret)

In the news

Transportation

Uber says that it will have a flying taxi service in Los Angeles by 2020.  I don’t know, how do I explain to my boss that I was late to work due to being stuck in traffic behind a flock of seagulls?

(Linda Perret)

Driverless cars, flying taxis.  I think the developers at Uber are spending a little too much time watching The Jetsons.

(Linda Perret)

Scrabble Scandal

There’s a big cheating scandal in the competitive Scrabble world. They discovered that 80% of the tiles were underinflated.

(Gene Perret)

When the officials found out, they all said, “Gadzooks!”…which was worth 178 points in the right position.

(Gene Perret)

If there’s cheating in Scrabble, what’s next? Chutes and Ladders?

(Gene Perret)

Thanksgiving

We’ve had a whole year now to think of things to be thankful for. Not nearly enough time.

(Gene Perret)

Several celebrity chefs said that sweet potato casserole lacks substance, has no redeeming qualities and should never be included in a Thanksgiving dinner. Why can’t they say the same thing about in-laws?

(Bill Mihalic)

Thanksgiving comes before Christmas for a reason. Some of the gifts we get at Christmas aren’t things to be thankful for.

(Gene Perret)

Christmas

Every year, stores put out their Christmas decorations earlier and earlier. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” is going to have to be changed to “Santa Claus Never Left.”

(Louis Ferrante)

If stores keep putting Christmas merchandise out earlier, the Advent Calendar is going to be 365 days long.

(Louis Ferrante)

One thing for certain, no matter how early stores put out their Christmas decorations, I will still wait until the night before Christmas to do my shopping.

(Louis Ferrante)

Retirement...

I consider myself semi-retired. I no longer work, but I haven’t told the boss about it yet.

I think I’m retired because I stay home all day. My wife calls me semi-retired because she claims I’m not all there.

I consider myself semi-retired. I don’t think I ever worked hard enough to be fully retired.

I did nothing at work. And just when I started to get good at it, they retired me.

I’m retired but I still go to work. I love it when the boss says, “Hey, you’re not doing anything.” I say, “So?”

When I retired, my fellow workers gave me a gift that summed up my entire career – a pair of loafers.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

A chocolate maker created a record made out of chocolate that plays actual music.  It comes in an LP, but if you’re on a diet, there’s a 45 version.

(Louis Ferrante)

When I heard it play, I thought the record was skipping.  Turns out it was almond crunch.

(Louis Ferrante)

For a limited time, a hotel in New York is serving a bagel with edible gold leaf. The price is $1,000.  I generally tend to avoid a breakfast that costs more than the current value of my 401K.

(Louis Ferrante)

Tiffany is selling a tin can for a $1,000.  If I spend a thousand dollars at Tiffany’s, I want something I can put on my finger, not something I can put soup in.

(Linda Perret)

A piece of wedding cake from Donald and Melania Trump’s wedding was auctioned off.  The cake is over 12 years old and is still easier to swallow than some of the things President Trump says.

(Linda Perret)

The cake sold for $2,240.  The owner had to sell it to pay off his debts from betting the marriage would never last.

(Linda Perret)

A Pennsylvania man’s last wish was honored when he was buried with two Philly cheesesteaks.  His family wasn’t sure if he was going to Heaven or Hell but either way he had something to munch on along the way.

(Linda Perret)

He was buried with two cheesesteaks.  Throw in a couple of peanut butter Tastykakes and you have my idea of Heaven on earth.

(Linda Perret)

Technology...

Pope Francis said, “It makes me very sad when I say Mass and see so many cell phones in the air.” And he said he really gets ticked off when someone interrupts his homily to ask for the Wi-Fi password.

(Bill Mihalic)

We keep trying to insert artificial intelligence into computers. Maybe we should try to get it into a few more humans.

(Gene Perret)

My computer said “Printer isn’t working.” That shows you how intelligent computers are – I don’t even have a printer.

(Gene Perret)

We’ll know the end of the world is coming, when we get a text message from God saying, “My computer is down.”

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

News Flash: The entire city of Hollywood has been accused of sexually harassing the entire city of Burbank.

Lately, so many Hollywood stars have been tainted that it’s predicted all of the Academy Award winners this year will be cartoon figures.

The men this year will still be expected to wear tuxedos. The women are expected to wear suits of armor.

It will be an unusual Oscars telecast this year.  There will only be three people in the audience.

Several of the presenters this year may appear on camera with their faces blurred out.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I feel creative. I think I’ll go work on my income tax.

(Coke Ellington)

I’m counting calories. I lost count at 5,000 today.

(Coke Ellington)

“The early bird catches the worm.”  All that says to me is that worms should sleep in.

(Gene Perret)

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