Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Airlines

Some airlines are planning to reduce legroom by as much as two inches. Now United will have to use excessive force to get passengers into their seats. 

 (Bill Mihalic)

In the news

Ringling Brothers Closes

After 146 years, Ringling Brothers Circus had its last performance.  From now on if we want to see a bunch of clowns at work we have to wait for Congress to be in session.

(Linda Perret)

This is an end to childhood as we know it.  From now on all disgruntled 8-years will have to run away from home by joining PETA.

(Linda Perret)

The circus folded up its big top for the last time.  The trapeze artists, lion tamers, and clowns are all out of work.  The unemployment line just got a whole lot more entertaining.

(Linda Perret)

Potato Chip Shortage

Typhoons destroyed the majority of Japan’s potato supply, so Japan is facing a potato chip shortage. Looks like the world is finally going to have an answer to “Can you eat just one?”

(Louis Ferrante)

There’s a shortage of potato chips, but the good news is that there’s now plenty of onion dip to go around.

(Linda Perret)

Fashion

Nordstrom’s is selling jeans covered with fake mud for $450.  The catch is you have to pay for them with real money.

(Gene Perret)

It’s interesting. I wonder if the jeans covered with fake mud have a tag inside that say, “Fake Dry Clean Only.”

(Gene Perret)

There is a new fashion trend called “romphims”.  It’s a romper for men, so basically, a onesie for the man in your life.

(Linda Perret)

The romphim is an all in one shirt and shorts.  It’s very popular among nerds.  They can give themselves a wedgie simply by raising their hand.

(Linda Perret)

IKEA

IKEA is introducing snap together furniture.  I’m going to miss the old way of putting together furniture from IKEA.  Plus all the extra pieces saved me a lot of money on firewood.

(Louis Ferrante)

IKEA or as I like to call it, the Rubik’s Cube of furniture.

(Louis Ferrante)

Odd But True…

In Oregon a woman stole a package but left a thank you note.  She may be a thief but she’s not uncouth.

(Linda Perret)

…The package she stole contained a bottle of hair oil.  People like this have no respect for the law.  I’ll bet when she shampoos she doesn’t even rinse and repeat.

(Louis Ferrante)

A five-year-old girl is so in love with Costco she had a Costco themed birthday party.  It was great.  The girl and 10 of her closest friends shared a birthday cake that feeds 500.

(Louis Ferrante)

Pretty smart girl.  She got all her favorite toys as presents, in bulk of course.

(Linda Perret)

Amazing Animals...

A pig in a Florida zoo understands commands in both English and Spanish.  Big deal, I have a cat who ignores me in three languages.

(Louis Ferrante)

If dog is man’s best friend, how come mine never picks me up at the airport?

(Louis Ferrante)

A company is selling a perfume that smells like a kitten. The company says it’s so realistic, people who wear it will feel an overwhelming desire to chase a laser pointer.

(Louis Ferrante)

Bedtime Stories for Adults...

They now have an app that reads bedtime stories to adults.  They’re so effective that nobody knows how they end.

They’re not perfected yet.  You still have to tuck yourself in and kiss yourself goodnight.

This app reads bedtime stories to help adults drift off to sleep.  They come with a warning…”Not to be used while operating heavy machinery.”

…I guess you have to use your electric toothbrush before you listen to them.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Earth Will End...

Stephen Hawking says we only have about 100 years before we have to move to a new planet.  I’ve already started saving up empty boxes.

Hawking predicts that in 100 years, Earth may be the Universe’s largest Ghost Town.

I’m looking forward to the move. I just love that new planet smell.

Personally, I don’t think the earth will be uninhabitable in 100 years.  Although, we may have to put a new roof on it by then.

If Hawking is right, this may be a good time to invest in rocket fueled moving vans.

Hawking said that the people of Earth may have to abandon the planet within 100 years.  Will the last person to leave please lock up?

(Series by Gene Perret)

Celebrity News…

Johnny Depp surprised crowds at Disneyland when he donned his Jack Sparrow outfit and jumped onto the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride.  Some people will do anything to get to the front of the line.

(Bill Mihalic)

Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle says she is being considered for replacing Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary.  The remaining steps are an interview with President Trump, a background check, and finding someone to play her on Saturday Night Live.

(Bill Mihalic)

Golf pro Matthew Goggin is furious that his golf clubs were broken by airline personnel during a recent flight on United Airlines.  He said they should have found something better to use for subduing unruly passengers.

(Bill Mihalic)

Parting Shots...

I’ve always wanted to be a penniless artist.  I’ve got the penniless part down pretty good.

(Gene Perret)

Total helplessness would be if you were the last man on earth and you put a dollar in the vending machine and the candy bar didn’t come out.

(Gene Perret)

Many people consider me a good listener.  That’s because while they’re talking, I’m generally thinking about something else.

(Gene Perret)

Enter your email address to keep up to date with our news letter!