Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Christmas

Things are a little tight this year. We’re still having a gingerbread house, but we’re listing one room on Airbnb.

(Louis Ferrante)

In the news

Boy Scouts May File for Bankruptcy

The Boy Scouts are considering filing for bankruptcy. They are officially changing their motto from “Be Prepared” to “Brother, can you spare a time?”

(Linda Perret)

Times are tough. They will still help little old ladies cross the streets but now there will be a service charge.

(Linda Perret)

Penguins

Scientists found penguins living on a remote island. The island was so remote there was nothing but a ton of snow, 1.2 million penguins, and one Starbucks.

(Linda Perret)

The penguins have inhabited that island for at least 2,800 years. Boy, I imagine their property values must have doubled by now.

(Linda Perret)

Music for Dogs

YouTube now offers a program of soothing music to relax your dog. I enjoy listening to it. Of course, lately I also enjoy biting the mailman.

(Gene Perret)

The music is delightful. I can see why it appeals to dogs — as I listen to it, I wish I had two more feet to tap.

(Gene Perret)

It’s amazing how much the dogs enjoy it. In fact, the other day, my Labrador Retriever asked me if I would care to dance.

(Gene Perret)

It might be too innovative for dogs. For instance, my new puppy now wants to drop out of Obedience School and sign up for piano lessons.

(Gene Perret)

Embezzling Nuns

Two nuns were arrested for embezzling $500,00 from a Southern California school. The sisters confessed and said, “The devil made them do it.”

(Linda Perret)

The nuns charged were Sister Maria Catherine and Sister Mary Sticky Fingers.

(Linda Perret)

The sisters used the money to finance their frequent gambling trips to Las Vegas. They were obsessive gamblers. Every time the two of them knelt down in chapel, a craps game broke out.

(Gene Perret)

They were unusual nuns. For instance, their convent didn’t have a Mother Superior. It had a pit boss.

(Gene Perret)

It may be the only nunnery in California that had a Novena to Lucky Luciano.

(Gene Perret)

And yet they taught their students well. Every youngster that graduated from this school was expert at counting cards.

(Gene Perret)

The sister wrote to the bishop and said they would make restitution and does he know of any Protestant banks they might rob.

(Gene Perret)

California Taxing Texts

Lawmakers in California want to tax texting. It’s getting to the point that the only thing you can do in California without being taxed is leave.

(Linda Perret)

This is scary.  Every LOL can cost you a fortune.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

A man pulled a 677-ton cargo ship with his teeth. His nickname is “Tug Tooth.” I would have guessed “Gummy.”

(Louis Ferrante)

He pulled the boat 52 feet, which is more progress than I make on the 405 every morning.

(Louis Ferrante)

A toddler crawled through an X-ray machine at a train station in China. The kid was okay and his father found out where his spare car keys went.

(Louis Ferrante)

The boy really is fine, and now at night his father will be able to find him by following the green glow.

(Louis Ferrante)

Entertainment...

The town of Friedberg, Germany, where Elvis spent his time in the military, has installed three “Walk-don’t walk” traffic lights featuring the images of Elvis Presley. So now Elvis Presley is the star of stage, screen, and pedestrian cross-walks.

The only problem is that you have to swivel your hips as you cross the street.

When the image turns green and people cross the street, they all mutter, “Thank you…thank you very much.”

Other traffic lights like these have been installed around the world, but they all feature Elvis impersonators.

The ones in Friedberg are very realistic. The first time the light turned green, 17 teenagers fainted.

And it’s official. Several people have already been ticketed for “crossing against a superstar.”

It’s an honor to have your image on an authorized traffic signal. This may be something for Justin Bieber to shoot for.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Politics...

President Trump cancelled the Press Christmas Party at the White House. He not only cancelled the party but also sent a letter to Santa asking that all the reporters be added to the Naughty List.

(Linda Perret)

He didn’t really cancel the party; he just changed it. The invitations read: “BYOB” “DIYOH.” These stand for “Bring Your Own Booze” and “Drink In Your Own House.”

(Gene Perret)

Some of the members of the Caravan sent a letter stating that they would return home if the U.S. paid them each $50K.  I thought it was a great idea. I went and stood on my neighbor’s porch. I told him I’d go home if he paid me 20 bucks.

(Linda Perret)

I hate to argue politics. It’s either with someone ignorant who doesn’t know as much as I do, or someone arrogant who knows more than I do.

(Gene Perret)

I hate political discussions. Every time I win an argument, I lose a friend.

(Gene Perret)

If you’re going to argue politics, know your facts…which is generally more than the politicians do.

(Gene Perret)

Christmas...

I love Christmas shopping. It’s a chance for me to meet all the other people in the world.

(Gene Perret)

Normally, I don’t mind crowds when I shop…but in the dressing room?

(Gene Perret)

I saw two women get in a fight over a cardigan sweater. The poor man who was wearing it didn’t know what to do.

(Gene Perret)

Christmas Eve, my wife and I have all the relatives over for dinner. The only Silent Night is when I turn off my Miracle Ear.

(Louis Ferrante)

I just read that candy canes can give you heartburn. Great, now I’m going to have to spike my eggnog with Mylanta.

(Louis Ferrante)

Stress affects everyone during the holidays. Our Elf on a Shelf had to be talked out of jumping.

(Louis Ferrante)

Dollar Store...

I’m thrilled that a “dollar store” has opened in our area. It helped my wife make a big decision – I am getting a gift this Christmas.

…at least, I think I am. She’s still haggling over the price.

A few members of my family are still holding out for the “98-cent store.”

I even told Santa I’d be happy with anything from the “dollar store.” He said, “Sorry, but my elves figured you’re only worth 63 cents, tops.”

I’m sure you heard of the “dollar store.” In the dictionary it’s defined as the last place you would look for one of the Kardashians.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

I wonder if Superman could still be able to leap tall buildings if his parents had named him Eugene instead of Clark?

(Gene Perret)

My friend is a definite optimist, but all he does is complain about it.

(Gene Perret)

They say, “Beauty is only skin deep.” Well, most of us don’t have the equipment to look any deeper than that.

(Gene Perret)

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