Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

Year of the Ox

It’s the Year of the Ox, but out of force of habit, I keep writing Year of the Rat on my checks.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Back to School

Parents are fighting to reopen schools and get the kids back to class. If you thought back to school made parents excited after 2 months, just wait to see how giddy they are after a year.

(Linda Perret)

Kids going back to school is big news. Almost as huge as the Back-to-School sales that are being planned.

(Linda Perret)

Kids may start going back to school but have to remain 6 feet away from everyone else. On the first day back, one kid walked to his desk and passed his house.

(Linda Perret)

Changing the Names of  Schools

San Francisco wants to remove the names of several Presidents from schools. First the Redskins have to change their name. Now all the schools must change their names. We can’t name them after Presidents, after Indians … pretty soon we’re going to be naming our schools after Cartoon character.

How would you like to be the Valedictorian at Rocky and Bullwinkle Highschool?

I can just hear the cheers now: “Go, Fighting Flintstones, Go.”

It’s ironic. San Francisco wants to change the names of the schools that the children are not allowed to go to.

If this trend keeps up, Mt. Rushmore may soon be converted to an outdoor handball court.

It’s an indication of how well our learning institutions are. The students say, “So, they change the name from George Washington elementary school and Thomas Jefferson high school. Why should we care about people we’ve never heard of?”

(Series by Gene Perret)

Harry and Meghan Expecting

How do you like that? The spare to the heir is now going to have a spare of his own.

(Linda Perret)

The rumor is true that Archie is going to be a big brother. But there’s no truth to the rumor that baby will be named Jughead.

(Linda Perret)

Harry and Meghan are expecting. At least now we know what they’ve been up to since they moved to the U.S.

(Linda Perret)

9-Armed Octopus

A 9-armed octopus was found off Japan’s coast. He didn’t realize it until someone gave him mittens for Christmas.

He wants to grow up to be a juggler.

Either that or a boxer.

He really wanted to be a baseball pitcher, but it took him forever to wind up.

His parents were very upset with him. They said, “What? Eight’s not enough for you?”

He lived a very miserable life until he met a female octopus with 9 arms. They fell in love and walked off hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Odd But True…

An Indonesian man bought every seat on a commercial flight for himself and his wife….and they still had to wait until their row was called to board.

(Louis Ferrante)

He bought 150 economy seats and 12 first class seats. He now has enough frequent flyer miles for a free ticket

…coach…

…one way.

(Louis Ferrante)

Don’t know how it happened, but the man bought every seat so it was just him and his wife and yet still spent half the flight listening to a crying baby.

(Linda Perret)

The man and his wife had their choice of the steak or chicken for their inflight meal. They choose the chicken. Unfortunately, they were out of it.

(Linda Perret)

A woman in New Zealand was sentenced for trying to smuggle in 1000 cacti plants strapped to her body. The judge said, “You may be seated.” She said, “Your Honor, I’d really rather not.”

(Gene Perret)

The investigators spent an unpleasant hour and a half pulling evidence out of her derriere.

(Gene Perret)

It was an emotional moment for her too. You’d be surprised how difficult it is to part with 1000 cacti strapped to your body.

(Gene Perret)

Foodies...

I’ll give you a hint of what my cooking is like. I just opened a box of ‘Toast Helper.’

(Patrick Manalio)

I’m trying to learn how to cook. So far, all I’ve mastered is ‘defrosting.’

(Gene Perret)

Some restaurant chain advertised plant-based burgers. Good idea. For my anniversary, I sent my wife a meatball-based bouquet of roses.

(Gene Perret)

I don’t think I’d like plant-based burgers. I’m not fond of the taste of bamboo.

(Gene Perret)

Meat is meat; and plants are plants. If you can’t tell the difference, don’t go hunting.

(Gene Perret)

Fear of Speaking…

The first time I spoke in public I was so nervous that I never said a word. So far, it’s the largest ovation I’ve ever received as a public speaker.

I don’t know why people are so afraid of public speaking. You just say what you think and listen for the audience reaction. When the audience reaction is “Let’s string him up,” it’s time to stop speaking.

One speaker advised me that when you enter the auditorium, the first thing you should do is look around for alternate exits.

Speaking is a wonderful profession. There’s nothing as pleasant as the sound of sincere applause…so I’ve been told.

Public speaking is nothing to fear. The audience can be something to fear.

The key to public speaking is to have a strong beginning and a strong ending…and leave out as much of the rest as possible.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Golf…

Golf is supposed to be a friendly game. Whoever said that has not spent an entire Sunday evening after a round of 18 trying to rebend his clubs back into shape.

(Gene Perret)

A golfer in Florida retrieved his ball after it landed on an alligator’s tail. Now that’s what I call a water hazard.

(Louis Ferrante)

Trying something like that could have changed his handicap…to putting with eight fingers.

(Louis Ferrante)

The alligator is known around the golf course as “Charlie.” The guy who got his ball back is known as “Crazy.”

(Louis Ferrante)

Golf tries to give the appearance of being friendly, but then again, so does politics.

(Gene Perret)

Entertainment...

Bruce Springsteen was arrested for a DWI. It’s a good thing he was Born to Run because without a license that may be his only form of transportation.

(Linda Perret)

Jeep pulled its commercial featuring Bruce Springsteen. Apparently, they realized that it wasn’t a smart move to have a man who is facing DWI charges hawk a car… or a man who called half the country bums preach about unity.

(Linda Perret)

An Ohio man set a world record for having the largest collection of Ghostbuster memorabilia. I’ve always wondered how many Stay Puft Marshmallow pepper grinders does a person really need? According to this man, the answer is 256.

(Louis Ferrante)

Parting Shots...

You know you left business school too soon when you open the Al Capone Tax Services.

(Patrick Manalio)

I couldn’t afford a memory foam mattress. So, for half the price I bought an amnesia foam mattress. It’s just as good only now I can’t remember my dreams.

(Patrick Manalio)

If life gives you lemons, you can’t even make lemonade unless life also gives you a pitcher.

(Gene Perret)

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