Laugh Lines for Speakers, Comedians, Teachers, Pastors, Executives

No Sweethearts This Year

This Valentine’s Day they won’t be selling those candy hearts with the sweet messages on them. They used to sell 8 billion of those hearts a year. I didn’t think the country had that much love left in it.

(Gene Perret)

In the news

Saints Fans Suing the NFL

The Saints’ ticket holders are planning to sue the NFL. They want to get a restraining order to prevent the Rams from coming within one hundred yards of SuperBowl LIII.

(Gene Perret)

Actually, there may be two lawsuits—one by the Saints’ ticket holders and another one by the Association of Illegal Bookies of America.

(Gene Perret)

It used to be that “it’s not over till the fat lady sings.” Nowadays, “it’s not over till the fat lady not only sings, but also testifies in court.”

(Gene Perret)

My buddies used to say, “Hey, are you gonna watch the game today?” Now they ask, “Hey, are you gonna watch the court case tomorrow?”

(Gene Perret)

It used to be that the game would decide the winner. Today, the game is considered “Exhibit A.”

(Gene Perret)

If it goes to court will some of the players take a knee during the swearing in ceremony?

(Gene Perret)

No Sweethearts This Year

There will be no candy hearts with the sweet messages on them sold this Valentine’s Day. I think that’s unfair. Now we men will have to think up romantic things to say all by ourselves.

(Gene Perret)

That didn’t stop me, though. I took a magic marker and wrote some nice things on a Pepto Bismol tablet.

(Gene Perret)

You remember this candy? They were shaped like hearts, they had tender messages written on them, and they tasted like poker chips.

(Gene Perret)

It’s a pity. Those little hearts were fun to chip a tooth on.

(Gene Perret)

SuperBowl LIII

Daniel Radcliffe said he is rooting for the Rams in a slam against Tom Brady.  Relax, it’s a football game, not a quidditch match.

(Linda Perret)

This year the SuperBowl is shrouded in controversy. I don’t care as long as everything else is covered in cheese sauce.

(Linda Perret)

SuperBowl LIII is going to be filled with protests…the refereeing, the halftime show, the national anthem, my sister insisting on us eating her liver and onion dip.

(Linda Perret)

I may just end up watching the Puppy Bowl. At least in that game, the referees have to clean up their messes right away.

(Linda Perret)

Odd But True…

According to a study at the University of Iowa, a daily serving of fried chicken will increase your risk of an early death by 13%. Of course, that percentage is a lot higher if you’re the chicken.

(Bill Mihalic)

A burglar got caught in a Texas restaurant’s grease trap for two days. I guess everything is bigger in Texas…except grease vents.

(Louis Ferrante)

Church...

If you’re ever experienced “baptism by fire,” you’re probably going to the wrong church.

(Melanie White)

I don’t dress up for church. I want God to recognize me when I get there.

(Melanie White)

People might listen to spiritual leaders more if they could just make up their minds whether they want people to stand up or sit down.

(Melanie White)

The patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church says smart phones are paving the way for the Antichrist. Wow, these days there’s an app for everything.

(Bill Mihalic)

Self-Employed...

I’m self-employed, which is dangerous. That means if I have a layoff, I’m the first to go.

Self-employment is precarious. If I can’t make it to work, there’s no one who can fill in for me.

I came close to being self-employed, but I didn’t pass the job interview.

There are drawbacks to being self-employed. What do you do if you can’t stand your boss?

I’m not crazy about being self-employed. When I give myself a Christmas bonus, I’m just breaking even.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Side Effects of Medicine...

We have to be fair to the pharmaceutical companies. Sure, the price of their medications is exorbitant, but look at all the side effects you get for free.

I saw a drug advertised on television, but when I went to buy it, I had to buy two bottles. There wasn’t room enough on one bottle to list all the side effects.

My doctor asked me if I had this, if I had that, if I had something else. I answered “no” to all of them. He said, “Well, you’ll have them after you take these pills.”

Taking today’s medications just opens the door for multiple side effects. It’s like inviting one ant into your kitchen.

My doctor recommends a healthy diet and reasonable exercise. I did two push-ups and discovered that they had side effects, too.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Placebos...

I had a hospital stay not long ago. It seems I overdosed on placebos.

Tests showed I had too much nothing in my system.

Placebos are unique—they’re the only pills they don’t advertise on television.

It was interesting, though. I found out there is no antidote for placebos.

The doctor knew he was prescribing placebos. He told me to take two of them and not to bother calling him in the morning.

(Series by Gene Perret)

Parting Shots...

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other, unless you’re on the Titanic. Then you need a life raft.

(Melanie White)

I told my nephew to bring an apple to his teacher. He bought her a computer.

(Tom Padovano)

Have you noticed, you very rarely hear an opera star say to the audience, “C’mon now, everybody clap your hands?

(Gene Perret)

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